On being a feminist submissive

This is a sampling from my personal blog, but I wanted to share it here to offer an example of the types of topics I’d like to discuss. If you like what you read, feel free to check out my blog at perspectivesonsex.com.

I am an adamant feminist, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not shy about calling people out on sexism, homophobia, and transphobia. I am also very much a submissive in my sex with men. This combination does not tend to jive well in the feminist community. I can play a dominate role, but much prefer a submissive one. I like to be spanked, have my hair pulled, sometimes tied up, blindfolded, and various things that some people might consider degrading to women (not always acts, it can sometimes just be the general tone–the way my partner communicates with me and how we interact). I prefer my male partners to take the lead (I specify this, because the majority of my sex is with men). I’ve even described it to some by saying, “I want a man who will respect me as a person and degrade me in the bedroom.” This is not every sexual encounter I have, and it’s not a requirement for me to get off. It’s just something I enjoy. My tastes vary, but that one is pretty consistent.

So why would such a passionate feminist want sex like that? Well, for me, submitting to someone, allowing him to treat me in ways I would never allow anyone to treat me in reality, is exciting. It’s also a nice change from my day to day where I am a strong, independent, take-shit-from-no-one feminist and activist.

Some feminists take issue with this concept. They often view it as women conforming to patriarchal gender norms, or an unhealthy way of dealing with sexual assault. Well, I can say with absolute certainty that I do not conform to gender norms, and more often than one might think, I do play a dominate role in the bedroom (usually when I engage in pegging). I also have been primarily a submissive since long before I was raped, so it has nothing to do with coping with trauma. It’s a kink. In a lot of ways, it is empowering, because while I am submitting and allowing a man to take control of my body and my sexual pleasure, I am also in total control. This is a very basic principal in BDSM (though my submissiveness isn’t always about BDSM, it’s just an intersectional aspect), that the sub can stop the action at any time. I am choosing to allow this to happen, and I choose what boundaries are in place. I communicate what I want to happen and what I don’t want to happen.

In an essay titled, “Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t)” Stacey May Fowles states, “…it’s pretty evident that the feminist movement at large is not really ready to admit that women who like to be hit, choked, tied up, and humiliated are empowered. Personally, the more I submitted sexually, the more I was able to be autonomous in my external life, the more I was able to achieve equality in my sexual and romantic partnerships, and the more genuine I felt as a human being.” This speaks volumes for how female submissives are viewed not only by feminists, but society as a whole and also illustrates that those assumptions have nothing to do with the sex itself, but sociopolitical hang ups about gender roles. She later writes, “Paradoxically, sexual submission and rape fantasy can only be acceptable in a culture that doesn’t condone them.” For any sub-dom play, there has to be boundaries of consent, or the play does not work, and can become dangerous. So for sub-dom play or rape fantasy to exist in a healthy fashion, it has to exist in an environment in which explicit consent is the most important thing and that anything less is unacceptable.

I personally do not have a rape fantasy, and not all submissives do, but they aren’t bad and they aren’t indicative of any pathology. Most sex involves some realm of fantasy, and in my mind, creating a fictional scene of non-consent can be the ultimate form of consent for some people. To give themselves over to someone else, pretending it’s something that should not be happening, while knowing that it could stop at anytime with a single word can be empowering.

I am a feminist. I do not condone the mistreatment of women in society or media. I am also a submissive and sometimes, I like to be treated like a (for lack of a better term) “dirty whore” in the bedroom.