No Means No…but does it? Really?

Trigger Warning

As children of the 20^th century, we have had the phrase “no means no” pounded into our heads since at least 5^th grade. Before then, we learned about “good touches and bad touches” and to go to a responsible adult if something inappropriate happened. And I’m fairly certain we all thought we knew what “no means no” meant.

However.

As women, we are socially conditioned from birth to hide our feelings. To be polite. To say “no” without actually saying the word. To dissemble, to feint, to evade. To avoid hurt feelings, and guilt, women go to great lengths to politely to turn someone down. And because we’re so polite, so nice about it, the people we are saying “no” to generally don’t grasp that they were just turned down. In fact, for the most part, they just keep talking. Imagine how hard it is for us, or anyone really with any sense of social awareness, to say “no” to a dude handing out pamphlets on the street, or to hang up on a survey call, even if its just a robo-call! They just keep talking, because our polite answer in the negative was so very non-negative that they just keep right on giving their schpeel.

Now imagine how much harder it is to say “no” to someone trying to, or actively, sexually assaulting or raping you. Imagine how hard it is to say “no” to a stranger, and then imagine how very much harder it is to say “no” to a person you’re intimate with. Because god forbid we hurt feelings. God forbid we give offense, or state our intentions strongly enough that that attacker listens. And stops. And calls us a bitch or a cunt or another heinous, socially unacceptable, but in this case seemingly totally acceptable name, because we had the audacity to say “no” and mean it. Because then we’re cast in an entirely different light. An arrogant bitch, a tease that thought she could prance her way into a party or bar or park or relationship and drink (or not) and have fun and expect to NOT get raped. Who do we think we are?

But really…a lot of women, no matter how forcefully we say “no” and mean “no”, it doesn’t seem to matter. Our attacker will continue, because he’s been taught that women are socially conditioned from birth to hide their true feelings. He’s been taught that women evade, feint and dissemble. That we’ll be so polite about it that he can reasonably ignore it. He’s been taught to take what he wants, politeness be damned, because he’s a jock, or a wall street mogul or a middle manager, or some other ridiculously ego enhancing title, but mostly because he’s a man. And while girls were taught in pre-school to share, boys were taught to be tough.

Boys will be boys, after all. So convenient.

The prevalence of assault and rape in this country is outrageous. And none of the blame lies with the women and girls, and fully lies with the men and boys perpetrating it. But it also lies with society as a whole. Because we keep falling into the easy trap of treating boys as “snips and snails and puppy dog tails” and girls as “sugar and spice and everything nice”. Its time for everyone to start treating children as equally capable of being polite and respectful, and holding them accountable when they’re not. Maybe then, just maybe, we’ll have a society that doesn’t surreptitiously reward rape and punish women who shout “no” a little too loudly.