The Onion takes on aggressive bro bonding techniques

When The Onion gets it wrong, they really get it wrong, and after their tweet about Quvenzhané Wallis, they’re going to be earning back my respect for quite some time. This parody of bro dude culture is a good start.

“When Bill called me ‘limp dick’ and punched my shoulder, I wasn’t sure if he was insulting me or just being friendly, but everyone else was smiling and laughing, so I smiled back,” said Chambliss, adding that he has also been called “fucker” several times, which feels like bullying even though the whole group seems to be referring to one another as “fucker.” “I wish I could figure out whether I’m being included or excluded. When Jeff burped loudly in my ear while I was playing pinball, I was torn between storming off angrily and buying the next round. And when they asked how my ‘piece of ass’ was doing, I couldn’t tell if they were trying to compliment my wife or were just being degrading.”

Transcript below the jump!

Announcer: While getting drinks after work with a group of co-workers, local shipping clerk Russell Chambilss told reporters Wednesday night he was unsure whether he was bonding with his male associates or being mercilessly bullied by them.

Chambliss I’m pretty sure that Bill called me “limp dick” earlier, and Todd keeps punching me in the shoulder. Pretty hard, too. I can’t tell if it’s their way of making me feel part of the group, or making me feel bad about myself.

Announcer: Chambliss said that while his co-workers demeaned him and even made him feel physically threatened at various points of the evening, they did so with large smiles on their faces, making it extremely unclear if his co-workers enjoyed his company or wanted him to leave the bar.

Chambliss: Well I told Jeff about this problem I was having with my girlfriend, and he called me a pussy and walked away. But then, like 5 minutes later he came back with a beer he’d bought for me. What does that even mean? Apparently I’m invited over to Todd’s house for dinner this weekend. I guess that’ll be fun?

Announcer: For more on this story, keep checking TheOnion.com