Via Jamil Smith.
Transcript below the jump!
John Kasich: Hello, I’m Ohio Governor John Kasich. You know, there have been a lot of questions about the recent abortion amendments we tacked on to the Ohio budget, at the last minute, behind closed doors, without input or debate from you, the Ohio citizens. So I thought I’d take a moment to explain what these laws mean to you, the women of Ohio.
Stacy: I’m Stacy. I just found out that I’m pregnant, but I’m in no condition emotionally, physically, or financially, to have a child. Am I still able to have an abortion?
Kasich: Of course you are. But under this new law, it’s now our right to force a camera up your hoo ha and take a picture so that you have to form a relationship with your thumbnail size fetus.
S: This is already a very difficult experience for me and this will make it more traumatic.
K: That’s the goal! Let’s get started. Hey Stacy, how’d it go?
S: They gave me this, to keep.
K: Oh, look at that little miracle!
S: Can I have the procedure now?
K: Not quite yet! First, there’s someone here to see you.
Mom: Hello, Stacy.
K: You see, according to the new budget amendments, you now have to stand here next to your mother in complete silence for 45 minutes, while she cries and holds a picture of her holding you as a baby. How did that go?
S: It was terrible.
K: Fantastic. You’re almost ready to make your decision. But first, you have to paint your potential child’s nursery.
S: Oh boy.
K: Hey, great colour scheme! Now the law says you have to have a baby shower thrown for you by your judgmental Christian aunts.
K: Absolutely. Right after you go tell your childhood priest what you’re about to do.
S: Please no.
K: How’d it go?
S: I’m excommunicated.
K: And rightfully so! How do you feel?
K: That’s the feeling of democracy working.
S: Can I please have the procedure now?
K: Absolutely. Right after you pass the physical challenge! First you have to cross these monkey bars hand over hand in under ten seconds. Then swim out to that buoy and back. Then finally you just gotta haul this semi truck up a hill 50 yards.
S: OK, I’ll just have the baby.
K: Hallelujah, it’s a miracle! But remember this was your decision.
S: Ok, whatever.
K: Well there you have it. The new laws are just that simple, ladies. Old white Republican men, helping Ohio’s women to decide what to do with their vaginas, since we egregiously gerrymandered the state in 2010.
S: I can’t afford to feed this baby.
K: That’s not our problem.