This should be a no-brainer

In the past two days, I’ve been really frustrated with the attitudes toward victims this (US) culture has. I’m aware that there are other cultures that also hold these attitudes, and that makes me more frustrated. We are living in a rape-culture and it appalls me what I’ve heard and seen in the last two days regarding the subject of victim-blaming and what constitutes a rape.

The first situation that made me angry arose from reading this blog:

In this blog, the author talks about how she was date-raped while she was drunk after firmly telling the man she was a virgin and not ready for penetrative sex. She had fooled around with him before, but didn’t feel ready to go all the way. They had some drinks, and before she passed out, she told him she did not want to have sex. Two nights later, she consciously consented to sex. When she commented on how she felt about having it for the first time, he said:

“We had it two nights ago, didn’t you notice?”

Turned out, while she was drunk in her semi-passed out state, he decided to ignore her previous statements that she was not ready for sex, and did it anyway. Since she was passed out, she didn’t notice.

This is date-rape. It doesn’t matter if she had fooled around with him before, or that she was drunk. She did tell him that she did NOT want to have sex. He waited for her to be less-conscious, and did it anyway despite what she told him. When she brought that up, all he said was:

“Well, whatever.”

The author did break up with this guy, but told her friends it was for a different reason than the fact that she couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. After reading the comment section of her blog, I can understand why she gave a different reason, and it pains me that this is the kind of world we STILL live in. The comment section was positively loaded with sneers and cruel snaps at her about how it was her fault for being with someone she’d known for a short time, her fault for fooling around with him if she didn’t want sex, her fault for drinking, her fault for being there, her fault, her fault, her fault! There were so many people who made it her fault for everything from laying down with him to moaning, to (I kid you not) not fighting back. How was she supposed to fight back when she’s drunk and passed out? Why is it her fault for him ignoring her previous statement? When she told him she wasn’t ready, she trusted him not to y’know, rape her. Oh, oops, I forgot, it was her fault for trusting him too.

In all this, why did barely anyone blame the guy for raping her? Why was he not blamed for ignoring her when she said “NO” to sex? It should be a no-brainer that consent to kissing, making out, touching, or fooling around is not automatic consent to full on sex. And being in a state where you can barely speak is definitely NOT the same as consent, especially when just 30 minutes before a definite “NO” was spoken.

But no. All her fault. Because that’s rape culture.

The other thing that made me frustrated was said by one of my own friends. And it appalled me to hear the words come out of his mouth.

I told him about the foot in the door I have for an apprenticeship at a local tattoo shop. He asked me if it was the one near the movie theater, which is run by a guy whom I wonder how he is still in business. I said absolutely NOT. When asked why, I explained to him that clients who had gone to him, as well as other tattooists in the community, have told me he is a pervert with women, and a jerk to men. If you make him mad, he will purposely mess up your tattoo. His reputation among other tattooists is that his temper is out of control and he has no respect for women. (Another friend of mine went to him and told me how the tattooist put the needles in so deep he started bleeding out the ink. Looking at the tattoo, I saw how screwed up this made it look. I was amazed no infections occurred.)

When my friend asked me how he was a pervert, I explained that I female client I knew went to him for a tattoo on her back, and he had her bent over a table with his crotch pressed against her butt the whole time. She never went back to him when she found out that is absolutely NOT necessary for a back piece. (I’ve also been audience to a very upset person telling me how she left the shop after he asked her to remove her pants to do an ankle tattoo.)

After telling all my friend these things, he just said:

“Well, it was consensual. She didn’t stop him.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This woman was in a place of ignorance and vulnerability. She felt uncomfortable the whole time he had his crotch pressed against her. She did not even know that it wasn’t necessary for her to be bent over a table like that. She was shocked and upset to find out that it wasn’t. Not everyone knows the dynamics of tattooing and body position and technique. I only do because I want to be a tattooist myself. He could have told her there was no other way to do it and she would have no idea.

Yes, it is wise to do research on a tattoo shop and it’s reputation before getting a tattoo, but if it’s your first time getting one, that can be daunting and maybe someone she trusted told her about this place. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, it’s no excuse for what he did to her. He knew what he was doing when he told her to bend over the table. His shop has been around for a long time (which really, really boggles my mind…) and when you’ve been in the business as long as he has, I know he knows better. I have two tattoos on my back and both were done with me laying on my stomach. There are also specialized chairs where a client can sit in it backwards for back pieces. I refuse to believe he doesn’t know that.

All of that aside, the absence of the word “no,” especially when the victim is in a position of ignorance or vulnerability, is NOT the same as the presence of a willful “yes.” There are plenty of rape and sexual assault victims who have been unaware of what was happening to them (and the rapist wanted it that way) or they were plain out scared to say “no.” That doesn’t mean that they were consenting. Compliance is NOT the same as consent.

It absolutely infuriates me that this kind of thing still exists. Infuriates me. I also thought that this friend of mine was better than that. I avoided talking to him when I saw him later in the day. I was just shocked.