Thought leader Rick Santorum converts me on gay marriage

Leading social theorist, eloquent and diplomatic visionary, logician extraordinaire, king of the brown stuff, and official candidate for the GOP presidential nomination Rick Santorum has put forward such a convincing argument against same sex marriage that he has compelled me to change my previous position.

See, I used to think that gay marriage was a no-brainer. A simple matter of equality and anti-discrimination. A way to afford the same rights and protections to all married people, regardless of their sexual orientation (though obviously there’s much more to the LGBTQI agenda than gay marriage.)

Thankfully, that’s all behind me. I’ve seen the light thanks to Rick Santorum, who recently presented THE definitive case against same-sex marriage during a meeting with the Des Moines Register: society can’t “redefine” marriage because water isn’t beer.

“It’s like saying this glass of water is a glass of beer. Well, you can call it a glass of beer, but it’s not a glass of beer. It’s a glass of water. And water is what water is. Marriage is what marriage is,” he said. [Emphasis mine.]

Remarkable, isn’t it? So simple, yet so deep. A metaphor for the ages. Watch it below:

Oh, Rick. That’s not an argument, it’s just some nonsense that you said. If “marriage is marriage” is the best argument against gay marriage you’ve got, progressives have a lot of victories to look forward to in regards to this subject.

Furthermore Rick, you and your fellow marriage metaphorists and crusaders better lay off the anti-queer agenda. Dan Savage has threatened to redefine your first name in addition to your last if you don’t stop soon- and we all know by now that no amount of water OR beer can fix the fact that “Santorum is what Santorum is” because of Savage.

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12 Comments

  1. Posted August 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    Water is water. Fair enough. Water is defined as H2O. Beer is not. It’s all very simple.

    So, tell me, Mr. Santorum, when does water cease to be water? If I mix a pouch of Kool-aid powder into a glass of water, then it surely stops being water and becomes Kool-aid. But what if it’s only half a pouch? A quarter? A hundredth of a pouch? A few measly crystals? How many crystals form the exact line where slightly Kool-aid-flavoured-water starts becoming watery Kool-aid?

    What about sand? If I pour some sand into my glass of water, is it still water? What if I pour in some acid? Or what if I start chemically extracting the hydrogen from the oxygen? At what point in the process does the water break down into two separate parts?

    What if, using your own analogy, Mr. Santorum, I mix some beer with water? Is it beer, or water? So many questions!

    Wow. Suddenly water seems a lot more complicated, doesn’t it?

    • Posted August 10, 2011 at 4:07 pm | Permalink

      ‘Nonsense’ is quite the fitting tag for this article/post.

  2. Posted August 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

    I’m having trouble hearing the clip, even with my computer speaker turned up. Is there a transcript somewhere?

    • Posted August 11, 2011 at 8:47 am | Permalink

      “Marriage is…what marriage is. Marriage existed before there was a government. It’s like handing up this and saying…this glass of water is a glass of beer. Well, you can call it a glass of beer, but it’s not a glass of beer, it’s a glass of water. And water us what water is, marriage is what marriage is.” Philosopher and All Around Cool Guy Rick Santorum.

      • Posted August 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm | Permalink

        Thanks. Perhaps I’d say then that water is like love. It’s a primal thing that exists. Marriage, like beer, is a thing created by humans. But one of the prime ingredients of beer, regardless of what else is added in the brewing process, is water, and one of the primary ingredients of marriage, no matter who it’s between or what sort of ceremony they have or anything else, needs to be love for it to be successful. And love isn’t the sole province of heterosexuals.

  3. Posted August 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    “Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
    Groucho Marx

  4. Posted August 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

    Rick Santorum had difficulty with that “water into wine” passage.

    • Posted August 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm | Permalink

      I’m pretty sure that’s what he was doing here. Conservatives don’t just talk; they dig into the Bible and pepper their speech with hints of Biblicism. If he’d done a better job of it, he would have talked about single people being water and married people being wine and gays being stale beer. Or something.

      That’s why Michelle Bachman is a better candidate for the GOP nomination; she’s better at speaking the evangelical code.

  5. Posted August 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm | Permalink

    The fun thing is, beer is mainly water (H2O) otherwise one couldn’t drink it (as any beverage). It is basically water mixed with a bit of alcohol, starch and some other ingredients. The biggest difference is how you define it. So his analogy basically means that marriage is like water, but since water is to some degree an ingredient of most beverages, the core of marriage is in any kind of relationship. But he doesn’t realize it, because he thinks water = totes different from any other liquid (when it isn’t).
    By the way what does he mean by water? Destilized water or tap water? That’s a big difference too. Man can’t he be more precise :D

    • Posted August 10, 2011 at 5:46 pm | Permalink

      Now with your statement of “as any beverage” you have me trying to think about things that people can drink that have no water.

      Pure ethanol? Admittedly you can’t drink very much of it and it wouldn’t be very pleasant.

      I know you can “drink” a very small amount of liquid nitrogen, about a teaspoon (it evaporates on your tongue and then you can “breathe steam” for a second or two).

      You could probably theoretically extract the small amount of water from various cooking oils (e.g. olive oil) and then drink them safely.

  6. Posted August 12, 2011 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    I better get to work brainstorming the new meaning of the word, “rick”…

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