I’m a nice guy!

I feel like i’m one in a million- One of the “nice guys”. The guy who becomes “too close of a friend to date”, the one who would never take advantage of a girl if she was drunk, or emotionally distressed. As if this con wasn’t enough, it comes with the slanderous stereotypes: nerd, weird, stupid, and any other names that apparently today translate to respectable, timeless, old-fashioned. Does it make me a nerd to want a real, meaningful relationship with a girl? Does it make me weird to actually respect women? Does it make me weird to want more than a physical, one-time encounter with a girl? Does it make me stupid to be equally as turned on from a girl’s smile as I am with her breasts? If so, I am all of those things.

I live to break stereotypes. – On my Tumblr dashboard last night.

I would like to discuss this, Nice Guy…point by point. A disclaimer: I know- or really, I think- that you mean well. I just think you are doing a very poor job of it, and probably unaware of the unfortunate message that this is actually sending. You may also be unaware of the real baggage that comes with the term “nice guy.” This isn’t just about you, though. It’s also about the throngs of other guys who call themselves “nice guys” as if is is synonymous with “martyr.”

“I feel like i’m one in a million- One of the “nice guys”.”

I must be really really lucky, because I have met a lot of nice guys! Of course, ‘nice’ is a near meaningless adjective so actually, I suspect you’re overestimating (or underestimating your peers). Being “nice” does not make you one in a million. You seem to later define “nice” as applying to a man who does not sexually assault women. I don’t have perfect stats on that, but by one estimate, it actually makes you more like fifty-nine in sixty.

“The guy who becomes “too close of a friend to date”, the one who would never take advantage of a girl if she was drunk, or emotionally distressed. As if this con wasn’t enough…”

Wait, wait. This is starting to make me think you are not a nice guy at all. You seem to be complaining that women don’t want to date you…or at least your close female friends don’t. My conjecture as to the situation: you make friends with women that you want to date, develop the friendship until you would consider yourself “good friends” with these women/the woman in question, and then when it doesn’t develop into a relationship you are disappointed. Presumably, ladies have then offered the explanation that you are “too close of a friend to date.” Well, any explanation that a woman offers for not wanting to date you (regardless of whether or not the offered reason is even the truth or the whole truth!) should be enough, and then you should quit barking up that tree. That is what a nice guy would do!

Here’s the thing: friendships and romantic relationships are different. That sounds obvious, but really take this to heart: they are different and require different investments. Yes, it sometimes happens that these lines get blurry and friendships and relationships take unexpected turns, but do you know what you should not do if you become romantically invested in a friendship and it doesn’t go as you want it to? Hold it against the other person. If they were in it for friendship, rather than romance, then that is what you owe them. If you explain your feelings and they are not reciprocated, you need to be the one to back up and lick your wounds. Your “friend” does not owe you an explanation or romance. No matter how “nice” you are, no matter how much you think you deserve a consolation prize for being a good friend.  This is making you sound like you probably aren’t a very good friend either.

Also, “this con?” Excuse me?

“…it comes with the slanderous stereotypes: nerd, weird, stupid, and any other names that apparently today translate to respectable, timeless, old-fashioned.”

Do people actually call you a nerd, weird, and stupid for not sexually assaulting women upon gaining their trust? I don’t have a word for those people. I have a word for people who do the opposite: rapists. And no, I am afraid I cannot offer you a cookie for not being a rapist.

“Does it make me a nerd to want a real, meaningful relationship with a girl? Does it make me weird to actually respect women? Does it make me weird to want more than a physical, one-time encounter with a girl? Does it make me stupid to be equally as turned on from a girl’s smile as I am with her breasts? If so, I am all of those things.”

No, it does not make you a nerd. No, it does not make you weird to respect women but I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ACTUALLY RESPECT WOMEN because from what I can tell, you have a problem respecting the boundaries of your various relationships with women. No, it does not make you weird, but have you considered the possibility that sometimes, a woman really just wants a physical one-time encounter(it ain’t all about you, Nice Guy!)? No, it does not make you stupid. However, I actually still know pretty much zilch about you. You still might be unappealing for a myriad of reasons unrelated to the aforementioned qualities.

“I live to break stereotypes.”

Then, Nice Guy, break these stereotypes of self-proclaimed nice guys: are you going to be an asshole about it if, for any reason, I don’t want to date you, or even speak to you if you approach me? Are you going to make me feel guilty about not wanting to date you? Are you going to scoff and size up my boyfriend and try to guess at the ways that he is inadequate (and the ways in which you are no doubt much more of a Nice Guy)? Are you going to say that I sell myself short by dating him? Do you demonize people who choose to have casual sex? Are you going to imply that I am a sad victim of an unrealistic standard of beauty because I am skinny? Is that supposed to flatter me? Is the word “FEMINAZI” flashing in your mind as you read this? Are you going to write a response to this explaining how feminists are ruining it for other women by finding things to be pissed about and convincing them that they are oppressed when they aren’t and- heaven forbid!- making them hate men (even the Nice Guys!)?

Did you answer no to all of those?

Great. You aren’t a certain type of horrible person. That said, do we have anything in common? Am I attracted to you? Are you aware of your privileges? Are you kind to animals? Do you have interesting tastes in music, literature, and films? Do you have interesting things to contribute to conversation? How much do you like Jack Johnson? Do you think critically about the images put before you by society at large?

Because “nice” says nothing, and there’s a lot I’d like to know.