I was street harassed twice in the space of an hour yesterday. Well, the first time didn’t happen on the street, per se. It happened inside Grand Central Station, which was bad news for the well-dressed middle-aged businessman who decided to sidle past me, look me up and down appraisingly, and sneer “Niiiice” as he passed. Bad news, indeed. Because inside this particular section of Grand Central Station, when someone of my lung capacity loudly responds to such harassment with a hearty, “Fuck off, asshole!” it echoes. And everyone around us can hear it.
Street harassment is part of my daily life in New York, as it is for women all over the world. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Holly Kearl, author of Stop Street Harassment: Making Public Spaces Safe and Welcoming for Women, has a piece in the The Guardian about how to talk to women without eliciting the kind of reaction that Pinstripes McFuckwad got out of me yesterday:
Consider if the context might make them feel uncomfortable if you approach them. For example, is it dark out or a deserted area? Are you larger or older than them? Are you with friends while they are alone? If any of these factors apply, be aware that they may feel a little unsafe or unsure if you approach. So make it clear that you mean no harm and then leave them alone if they look uncomfortable.
This point – Kearl also writes about using appropriate, non-sexualized language, and about picking up on whether the woman wants to talk to you at all – is, I think, the most important, because it cuts to the heart of how to end street harassment. Simply put, street harassment won’t end until the men who do it learn to consider the possibility that their words will affect women in a negative way, and until those men care enough about women for that possibility shut them up. In other words, until these men let go of the male privilege that grants them the right to say whatever the hell they want, without regard for the impact it might have on women. Until then, ladies, I suggest you have your middle fingers ready to fly. Or perhaps, if you’re feeling extra festive, a nice hearty, “Happy Valentine’s Day, dickhead!”
4 Comments
Wow! I wish I was as brave as you. I don’t know about New York but in Birmingham (UK) were I live I have to pass groups of men whenever I walk to the shops or have to get the bus. They are very intimidating and can get quite aggressive even when you just don’t acknowledge them. I have to brace myself every time I see a group of them. I’m a confident person at the best of times but I hate having to mentally prepare myself for these comments. It would be great if I could give these guys ‘the rules’. Unfortunately I don’t think cat calling for them is actually for my benefit. I think its more like a social thing between them and it wouldn’t change unless they change their view of what it is to ‘be a man’.
For the life of me, I don’t understand the reason to be that vulgar to women. I think where I’ve gotten my feelings hurt is in situations where cultural norms regarding stranger-to-stranger contact were very different than what I was used to.
In the South, one strikes up random conversions with strangers, regardless of sex. I even saw my father do much the same thing, speaking to women in the checkout line at the grocery store. Here in DC, not so much. I once really frightened this poor woman who was not comfortable with such a degree of friendliness. She pushed away from me quickly and started walking away as fast as she could. My feelings were really hurt. I felt rejected. Where I am from, not engaging in conversation is often considered rude or, at best, odd.
In any case, that wasn’t street harassment at all, but it did remind me that definitions of privacy vary from region to region and culture to culture. I’m not saying that what happened to you or any woman in that circumstance is acceptable. The code of conduct I am used to does not include harassment as justifiable behavior.
That was awesome what you did in Grand Central, ha!
I appreciate that a book of this nature is being published and there is attention to this issue. I just wonder if these harassers are really going to be the ones reading the tips there!! I have been dealing with cat calls and remarks on the streets for years, and have hit men with books, magazines, and yelled things like “I am not your baby!”
Funny enough though, tonight I was at a famous restaurant in NYC and an older waiter said “Wow!” as I walked by him. I knew I looked good this evening, and I took it as a compliment (for a change) though I did not stop and just kept walking.
I guess it’s all about the delivery and the moment, it’s true.
But usually, unwarranted street comments make for a lot of gross discomfort.