Date and Wait or Straight to the Sack?

A new study released yesterday from  a sociologist at the University of Iowa suggests that “average relationship quality was higher for individuals who waited until things were serious to have sex compared to those who became sexually involved in “hookups,” “friends with benefits,” or casual dating relationships.”

From this you’d infer that if you are looking for serious relationship, then you should wait to have sex with your partner. It is in line with existing theories to hold out for someone you love, if you want a satisfying long-term relationship. (cusses under breath)

However, the study also presents this caveat:

“But having sex early on wasn’t to blame for the disparity. When Paik (the sociologist) factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found no real difference in relationship quality. That is, couples who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship ended up just as happy as those who dated and waited.”

Aha! So basically it depends on each person’s intentions and relationship preferences. That should make things easier, right? No more game playing, just an honest conversation about you and your partner’s motivations. Paik’s research seems to suggest so:

What is behind the lower quality scores for relationships initiated as hookups? Paik points to selection: Certain people are prone to finding relationships unrewarding, and those individuals are more likely to form hookups.

“The question is whether it’s the type of relationship that causes lower quality or whether it’s the people,” he said. “The finding is that it’s something about the people.”

People with higher numbers of past sexual partners were more likely to form hookups, and to report lower relationship quality. Through the acquisition of partners, Paik said, they begin to favor short-term relationships and find the long-term ones less rewarding.

It’s also likely that people who are predisposed to short-term relationships are screened out of serious ones because they don’t invest the time and energy to develop long-term ties, Paik said.

(cringing/smiling/blushing at past relationships)

What especially interested me was the variance in the reporting of this research. The press release states the facts of the study as expected. The first story I found from the Vancouver Sun was titled: “Wait before being intimate for lasting relationship” while the following article listed (from Salon) was called: Surprise! Hookups can lead to love. Of the few places this was reported, most of the framing was that “hookups” can lead to long-lasting relationships. It’s a refreshing departure from “slut-shaming” and making folks feel bad about having casual sex. The idea is simply that everyone is honest with their partners about their expectations and goals; and even more so it emphasizes the importance of being honest with ourselves.

That might be easier said than done but that’s a whole other post…