Track My Bitch

While perusing the newest September edition of Esquire at my local hair salon, I came across an intriguing question in the “MaHB/Sex” column concerning a new phone application, heinously entitled, “Track My Bitch”. Now, you might think this is some sort of stalking application or even a way to monitor your female canine friend. It is, in essence, a combination of both. This carefully named app is actually for tracking your potential girlfriend’s (or, “my bitch’s”) menstrual cycle so you can find out if she is ovulating, PMS-ing (in order to avoid her during this time), and to know when she is “extra horny”. On their website, www.trackmybitch.com, not very much information is offered other than that they provide “products to keep track of the ones you love the most”, with a picture of a dog and a woman being followed by a man with a tracking device. Creepy stalker or boyfriend? Apparently the line is drawn thin with this family of applications.

This isn’t the only app of it’s kind either. Code Red was made by a man (Jon Rose), for men. His defense is interesting. “There’s people that are like, it’s sexist and it’s this and whatever, you know? And I don’t get it, because it’s not. Whatever you know? They’re just taking themselves too serious. I just think a lot of people take themselves too serious in the world today. If we can have fun and help some dude avoid the wrath at the same time, then that’s great. It’s just, you know, it’s just an iPhone app.” (This is the actual quote from Esquire. Seriously.)

So eloquently put, Jon Rose. Oh ok, it’s just whatever! Now I get it. You’ve convinced me that this it’s NOT sexist to creepily track your girlfriend’s period, so you can avoid the impending “wrath” that tornados through society everytime a woman approaches her 30 day mark. Another example, iAmAMan allows even more flexibility. With this app, you can keep track of multiple girlfriend’s menstrual cycles. It allows men to “know about your girlfriend’s period and her mood. You can plan your dates, evening and save some money.” Not only this, but you can also set different passwords for each girl, just in case one of your many girlfriends knows the password, it will only show her information! Because, if you are a man, you are obviously juggling multiple relationships that you are hiding from each one of them.

I am not exactly sure what type of phone “Track My Bitch” runs on, as it is not in the iTunes store, but you can purchase Code Red (man’s defense against the monthly “her-ricane”) and iAmAMan there for a measily $0.99 and $1.99 respectively. Now, men can win any argument by just pulling up their app and saying “see, Code Red says you are just pms-ing! Go back into your menstrual hut for 2 more days and THEN we can talk about this.”

Although I am all about men learning more about women’s anatomy, cycles, etc., I’m not quite sure these apps are headed in the right direction. I am quite capable of keeping track of my own cycle, using such useful, non-sexist tools such as www.monthlyinfo.com, a simple website that allows you to see your cycles, write in any changes, and help track your phases…without a picture of a man with a tracking device honing in on you.