Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Get Past His Not Cumming?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I’m sure you get this all the time, but I feel like my issue may be the first you’ve heard. My boyfriend and I recently had sex (both of our first times), and have had sex a handful of times since, and he has never cum. He thinks it’s because he had a back problem a couple years back, which made one of his legs almost completely numb, along with parts of his torso (including, apparently, an important area). Before we had sex, we’d fool around, with me touching him, and I could never get him off, which embarrassed me and made me feel like it was my fault because I’m not all that experienced. He masturbates, so I know it is physically possible for him to cum, though. I just can’t figure out how to do it–and I think that for me to make him cum, it’s going to involve going outside of my comfort zone (I’m not down with oral sex quite yet).
I know it’s probably just a physical thing, not just me, but I’ve been feeling guilty about it because I have these AMAZING orgasms every time.
We’ve been trying different things for a month or so and can’t seem to get past this pretty major block. I know it’s frustrating for him, even though he tries not to show it, and it’s possibly more frustrating for me, because I feel like I’m getting nowhere. He doesn’t give me a lot of feedback either, I wish he’d give me some heavy breathing or a moan or something to let me know I did something right.
We’ve talked about it a lot and where we are right now is agreeing to keep trying things, trying not to put pressure on cumming, just enjoying the experience. But how can I hurry this along?
Thank you,
Frustrated and Confused

Dear Frustrated,
Your last paragraph sums up your issue: you want to be supportive and you want him to cum. In this case they are two, possibly conflicting issues. I understand the desire to hurry this along, but in order to truly just enjoy the experience; you need to work on actually letting go of the desire to hurry it along. The pressure to cum is the natural enemy of orgasm.
What you need are steps and feedback. You are not getting a physical or the vocal response and it is hard to feel like you are a good lover without either of those. Have you asked him for vocal feedback? Can you tune into other parts of his body? Do his arms tighten when he aroused? His toes? If he is not comfortable making noise, can he hold on to you and tighten when he is aroused? It is hard for you to work in a vacuum., but men are often taught that men should not make noise during sex.
You don’t need to go out of your comfort zone, but you should actually see what makes him cum. Has he jerked off in front of you yet? It may also be about him relaxing with another person. How has his back problem impacted his self-image? He needs to not feel pressured and you should not feel guilty about your orgasms, these things won’t help either of you.
I would also go one step further and take him having an orgasm off the table all together. Don’t make it the goal (explicit or implicit), instead focus on fun and exploring what feels good on his body, what turns him on, and getting to a place where orgasm feels much less important. By doing this you are creating a space where orgasm can happen and is not the goal, but just another activity.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

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32 Comments

  1. genericjanedoe
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    No advice here I just want to offer support…your situation sounds exactly like my experience w/ my current partner about 7 years ago when we started having sex…and he DIDN’T have a physical problem to suggest was the source. I was very orgasmic and he wasn’t. Even though he enjoyed what we did. God, was it frustrating.
    I felt like it was me…like I wasn’t doing something right. He assured me it wasn’t, and he felt like a freak for not getting off 2 minutes into our first time (you know, because society tells us this WILL happen to all guys.) Thankfully, by a year into our sexual relationship things were so different that I could hardly even remember what had been going on before. For my partner it was a lot of things in his mind that he had to deal with…it had nothing to do w/ me not responding to what he wanted physically (we had great communication.) Once he worked through feeling a pressure to orgasm and some other anxieties, like I said, we’ve been together for seven years now and we’re better than ever.
    Just want you to know that you’re not alone.

  2. ruthieoo
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    “The pressure to cum is the natural enemy of orgasm.”
    This. Yes. Amen.
    That’s all I have to say.

  3. Melissa
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 3:38 pm | Permalink

    People are here giving valid, good, advice, but I’m afraid all I have today is snark.
    Is it not bullshit that when women don’t cum during sexual activity it’s considered no big deal, normal, even…but when men don’t cum it’s like a huge freaking deal? I don’t mean this on the level of individual men and women, but as a larger culture…if a man doesn’t have an orgasm during every single sexual encounter, it’s considered some HUGE failure, while for women it’s like if you even manage to orgasm 50% of the time it counts as a win. Because of course women aren’t supposed to REALLY be sexual, and if they do receive sexual pleasure, it MUST be from a penis, so if we don’t cum, it’s like no big deal, and if we CAN’T cum without some kind of clitoral stimulation (which, let’s face it, most women can’t), then we’re somehow deficient? It’s bullshit. Fingers and mouths can provide a heck of a lot more pleasure to most women than penises can, so why is PIV still considered the only really valid form of sex?
    Gah. Rant over.
    (And you should know that I’m not judging you personally. I fall prey to it just as much as you do, and in your case, at least you’re having orgasms, which is great! Good for you.)

  4. salymander
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

    This COULD be from his injury, but since he can have orgasms from masturbation I’d be inclined to say no.
    It’s highly likely that he’s not comfortable having orgasms with another person yet. My boyfriend had a really hard time orgasming at all for a few months after we started dating. He said that often happened with a new partner.
    I will add that it’s also possible he has delayed ejaculation–which basically means he can keep it up a really long time. This tends to stem from using a deathgrip like approach to masturbation. It’s very very very common in men. Very similar to women who can only orgasm to a vibrator. The head of the penis becomes mildly desensitized and needs stronger stimulation than vaginal sex allows for.
    My bf has delayed ejaculation often. It might help if you tried using a butt plug on him during sex, and or a blow job when you’re comfortable performing one. They stimulate the prostate and my boyfriend WILL come in about 2 min during sex after we put it in.

  5. paperispatient
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm | Permalink

    Has he jerked off in front of you yet?
    This. It can be a big turn-on to watch your partner masturbate, and it can also be really helpful to see what he does and how he does it – and what he does as he gets closer to having an orgasm both voluntarily (making sounds) and involuntarily (twitching limbs, his balls changing position, etc).
    Also, nothing says you can’t stimulate him in other ways while he touches himself – one of my favorite things to do is to snuggle and touch different parts of my partner’s body while he touches himself. Sometimes he gets himself off, other times I take over, but it’s a nice way to relax and explore and learn about his body and his turn-ons.

  6. Claudia_T
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 6:26 pm | Permalink

    Many men masturbate with techniques such as lying face-down and rubbing their genitals against the mattrass that no human orifice or action could simulate. They have quite simply gotten themselves used to a form of stimulation that your body cannot offer.
    The only solution I know is that he would have to stop masturbating in that way to gain some sensitivity back and actually enjoy intercourse with a partner.
    But many men prefer to use porn and masturbate because it is easier and more efficient, both physically and emotionally, so it looks to me like you are in for some major disappointment…

  7. Emeraldcityserendipity
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 7:32 pm | Permalink

    I have never achieved orgasm while having (heterosexual) sex and don’t care if I do since I honestly do not find sexual intercourse all that pleasurable. However, I also have no problem cumming when I masturbate, so I wouldn’t assume that it is your fault (I know that is not the right word, but I couldn’t think of any other).When couples have sex, it is quite common for one partner to achieve orgasm or the other not to, or both to not cum at all; and fairly rare that they will not need a lot of practice before they both can achieve orgasm simultaneously.
    According to the men I’ve talked to about masturbating (yes, there are plenty of men out there who are willing to discuss this practice openly and honestly with other men), they typically establish a habit of how they masturbate -most, but certainly not all, men said they like to do it prostrate (on one’s back), will only use one hand, and have difficulty (or inability) achieving orgasm from any other modus operandi. Good luck, and don’t get down on yourself (or let him get down on himself).

  8. paperispatient
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    so it looks to me like you are in for some major disappointment…
    That is not helpful at all. They’ve only recently started having sex and I inferred that the OP feels a bit concerned that she’s inexperienced, so telling her that she better just resign herself to be disappointed isn’t terribly empowering or useful.
    From my experience, you have to learn how to come with a partner. I went from never getting anywhere close to orgasm with some of my first partners to very easily having multiple orgasms with my current partner. And for that matter, the first few weeks that my partner and I were having sex, he did not have an orgasm every time and often got himself off, because he was nervous. Once he felt more comfortable and relaxed, I started getting him off myself.
    It takes time and trial and error to really get to know what works for your partner, and I don’t think it’s very helpful to tell her that her boyfriend will probably find porn more efficient and that she’s just going to be disappointed.

  9. EndersGames
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 9:58 pm | Permalink

    Women vary in how easily they orgasm. Men do too. That’s totally okay. Many men have alot of trouble having an orgasm during oral sex.
    Since he orgasms during masturbation but not sex, it very well be due to back pain or other physical issues that make it harder to orgasm when your body is motion. Or, it might just be that he would need to thrust more vigorously than is comfortable for you, or he has anxieties, or his penis is less sensitive, or more dirty pillow talk is needed. Or maybe it’s just fine as is.
    The more focus that gets put on it, though, the more stressful and pressure filled sex will become for him. If he’s okay with the situation, that’s okay. If he doesn’t orgasm during sex, tell him how sex it would be to watch him jerk off while you kiss him, his chest, his nipples, etc. If he’s not okay with the situation, he’ll bring up options to explore what else might work.happen during sex.

  10. EndersGames
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 10:01 pm | Permalink

    “This COULD be from his injury, but since he can have orgasms from masturbation I’d be inclined to say no.”
    Back problems make it harder to orgasm during sex. You use your back in almost every sexual position. Pain in general makes it more difficult.

  11. DAS
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

    A minor technical note — in watching your partner to see how he masturbates make sure to pay careful attention to what he is doing: sometimes it isn’t quite what it looks like — what may look like a “death grip” might actually be a rather loose-grip with rigid hands. Also, note whether or not he uses lubrication — if he is used to lubrication and a rather rigid grip, a death grip without lubrication is gonna be painful not orgasm inducing!

  12. DAS
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    Speaking from personal experience, sometimes it takes me a while to reach orgasm with a partner even though I can do so fairly quickly masturbating. Sometimes it is merely because I am overly tired. Oftentimes it is because I am afraid to cum too soon lest she not have enough stimulation (does “Frustrated and Confused”‘s partner really know she’s having these wonderful orgasms? if he does know, maybe he’s, at some level, afraid to do anything that stops the sexual experience — sometimes men are not able to keep going after cumming).
    Another issue which happens is that when a woman is very stimulated, the vaginal muscles can become quite loose and there is a lot of lubrication — to the point where the male partner might not actually be able to feel anything (especially if he has diminished sensation from being used to a “death grip” and/or having a back problem). Also, sometimes in the throws of passion a woman will spread her legs really wide to allow the man to penetrate further but which means the man feels less. Similarly, if the man and woman get out of rhythm in thrusting, the woman might slide away from him (if the couple is in the missionary position).
    One thing I’ve noticed that helps when I cannot feel my partner is to increase the amount of clitoral stimulation, which seems to result in her vaginal muscles tightening which means I can feel her again (and, of course, she doesn’t mind the clitoral stimulation ;) ). If “Frustrated and Confused” is having such a wonderful time, perhaps she is so lubricated and, well, open her partner can’t really feel her. Perhaps next time she should ask him to stimulate her clitoris more and maybe she should try closing her legs a bit. If she is on top, it may help as well, since it will allow for better access to her clitoris and also prevent her from opening herself up too much.

  13. Kurumi & Cheese
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 1:45 am | Permalink

    What’s good for the goose …
    Women who have difficulty orgasming are often given the advice to just “enjoy” the act of sex without the grand finale. So I would say that the way you should get over it is to put it in your head that he should just enjoy the ride and that finishing isn’t everything.
    Now, generally speaking I think this is terrible advice. If you’re horny, you want to get off and if you don’t, you’re going to feel awkward for at least a short while. “Just enjoy the sensations” isn’t going to cut it. But I feel like I MUST give this advice, because I see it so often directed toward women and never at men, as if orgasms are only important to men and men alone. Foxy almost reaches this point in the last paragraph, but misses it by a hair.

  14. Surfin3rdWave
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 1:48 am | Permalink

    I went through this with my first lover. Our situation was nearly identical.
    I can’t offer advice because everyone is different, but my own experience might be relevant to yours.
    My first lover eventually determined that the reason he couldn’t cum during intercourse was because he wasn’t attracted to vaginas. He identified himself as bi when we were dating, but now identifies as essentially gay.
    Well, specifically, he identifies as “I love people of all genders, but don’t get off from vaginas.”
    Your partner may be going through a similar realization regarding his sexuality or orientation. If that is the case– and if it’s not– understand that you can not and did not do anything to alter his orientation.
    I beat myself up for years thinking that I was so bad in bed that I scared the guy away from vaginas forever. I know better now.

  15. lindsay
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 3:23 am | Permalink

    What you’re saying sounds far more like an age old scare tactic of the “if you masturbate, you won’t be able to enjoy partnered sex” variety than anything else. Although there is some truth in the idea that masturbating using the same technique every time can make it difficult to get off in any other fashion, saying that she/he is in for a major disappointment is not at all helpful. There are plenty of solutions outside asking him to refrain from masturbation, take for instance everything suggested by Professor Foxy.

  16. timothy_nakayama
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    I didn’t realize having an orgasm was considered a normal thing when having sex until I had sex with one of my exs.
    While she could achieve orgasms easily enough through having sex, I never did. I mean, the way I saw it, the whole experience was fun, but I did not realize that an orgasm was 100% necessary. I was fine with that and didn’t realize it was unusual until one day she broke the silence and said “Why do you never cum?”
    I just shrugged and said “I’m not sure. I’m okay with it.” But she said it was bothering her, because for some strange reason, she felt that me not reaching an orgasm during sex equaled me not finding her attractive etc, when that was the very last thing from my mind.
    I don’t think a guy is missing out if he doesn’t orgasm. I mean, sex is suppose to be fun for both side, right? Rather than about having to reach a certain level or achieve a certain act before everyone’s satisfied.

  17. paperispatient
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    Women vary in how easily they orgasm. Men do too. That’s totally okay.
    Going off of that, different people find that they orgasm more easily from different activities.
    Unless the OP and your boyfriend have your hearts set on him coming during PIV sex, you can finish him off any number of ways. I have much better orgasms from PIV sex than from my partner touching my clitoris, so we do that a lot. He loves penetration but finds oral sex more effective to help him have an orgasm (though I know the OP doesn’t feel comfortable doing that yet, and that’s totally fine), and we also really enjoy when he comes on different parts of my body; so we do both of those frequently as well.
    I think a lot of people feel like once you start having PIV sex that night (and especially, I think, if you’re relatively new to the activity) that you have to finish things that way too – and if you want to, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, but there’s a lot more to sex than just that activity and there are lots of fun ways to give him an orgasm or help him have one.

  18. SaltyLilKipper
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    That’s great that you’re comfortable with yourself, but I think a lot of women would take issue with a man not even having the desire to even try to orgasm from sexual intercourse. My boyfriend prefers intercourse to all other stimulation, so I haven’t had to deal with him having a problem there, but if he did it would be kind of a downer if he didn’t at least want to try to make it work.

  19. SaltyLilKipper
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    Not to discount your experience, but I think your situation could be somewhat rare. I think it’s more likely the OP’s boyfriend just has a mental block regarding orgasming with a partner! I have known straight men who have had this problem.

  20. Athenia
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

    I just wanted to lend my support—I felt the same way when my boyfriend couldn’t cum, but he was on meds. He went off certain meds, so now he can.
    But now I haven’t orgasmed in awhile and now my boyfriend is getting frustrated!
    So, moral of the story, orgasms seem to happen when they happen.

  21. allegra
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 3:26 pm | Permalink

    Mmm. First, I’ll say that I don’t think sex with any regular partner gets especially good until after at least several months, after lots of practice and after you’ve learned as much as possible about your partner’s body. In fact, I was with my ex for about 2 years, and I don’t think I got totally sexually comfortable with him or totally able to cum whenever I wanted until after maybe the first year. Then the sex was, like, fabulous, some of the best sex I’ve had ever. But it wasn’t always like that with him.
    Second, I would suggest maybe asking him to masturbate for you under a blanket or something, or you could masturbate for him, or if he could masturbate in another room. Again, make it just a fun thing, don’t think too much about it. (I know it’s probably not responsible to say so and I don’t want to suggest you do it if you’re not legally able, but if I’m loosened up with a couple beers or something, I’m much more receptive to just playing and not worrying about orgasm. Though I suppose booze could affect his erection, but anyway, it might be worth a try.) It took me a while to get over my nervousness about masturbating in front of someone and to stop thinking of it as “performing.” If he agrees to masturbate with you, promise to leave the room for a while (this will make him less self-conscious) and then maybe sneak in at some point, or just watch from a distance. Masturbating for my partner, and having him touch and kiss me while I do so, has become highly erotic for me and maybe even one of my favorite things. :o ) I’m not sure how it would work for him, considering I’m sure male inhibitions against masturbating in someone’s presence are probably even stronger than women’s. But it’s worth a try to at least get him to turn himself on and then see if you can take it from there.
    Third, my ex also had a back problem, and so we switched to mostly doing the girl-on-top position. I think that’s the best for the guy’s back pain and prevents him from having to use his back muscles to thrust, etc.
    I’d also try props, like blindfolding him, or consider investing in a corset so he can watch you while you’re on top. My boyfriend loves being blindfolded, and it can be really hot. And, if you’re comfortable with it, I’d also highly suggest watching porn together. Something to make the mood more light and suggestive and impulsive.

  22. Milena
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 7:13 pm | Permalink

    My boyfriend never comes from sex. He doesn’t come from oral either. He only comes from manual stimulation and I’ve only made him cum once in our 6 months together. And that’s ok. He let me know from the start that he has trouble orgasming because he has fewer nerve endings there than most people. We just have amazing sex until I’m satisfied or sore (I don’t have orgasms either, so I’m totally jealous of OP, lol) and then I give him oral to bring him close and he finishes himself off.
    And that’s something that we do together, so I consider myself an integral part of it. I would advise OP to not make this about her. Chances are, he isn’t not orgasming because of you. Ask him if he’s satisfied with the sex you’re having and if he is, enjoy yourselves. If you make his orgasms into some kind of proof of his feelings or his attraction for you, it will just put more pressure on him and make it even harder for him to orgasm.

  23. Brianna G
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

    I’m addressing this right now with my partner. His problem is psychological; he has deep-seated sexual issues he’s addressing in therapy. Unfortunately, we want children within a few years, so it’s not like we can just accept that he doesn’t need to ejaculate in vaginal sex, no matter how enjoyable it is. So I do understand that “Well, just enjoy each other and stop worrying about it!” is a lot easier for a woman than for a man– vaginal sex is SUPPOSED to cause male ejaculation, after all, and for a guy, the sudden fear of “what if I can’t have kids?” can cause sufficient anxiety to kill any chance of ejaculation.
    Do things that are sexual but not clearly intended to end in sex– like massage, cuddling, role-play, etc. That’s given us the best luck.

  24. cmb
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 9:02 pm | Permalink

    it took me awhile to understand what got my bf off. at first it was really embarrassing to me that he could play me like a fiddle and i could hardly get a sound out of him. after awhile we got more comfortable with eachother and relaxed a bit and he seems to enjoy sex more and does actually orgasm.
    although women don’t orgasm every time, most of us think that sex can still be very pleasurable without orgasm, but we have this idea of guys that if they don’t orgasm they’ve got “blue balls” or they think of the experience as unsatisfying. some guys enjoy sex more like women do, on a continuum, rather than ending in ejaculation/orgasm. there’s no point in rushing sex. learning about each other and feeling out what the other likes are some of the best things in a new relationship.
    even now that my bf and i have relaxed into a comfortable sexual relationship neither of us orgasms every time. sex is fun, and orgasm isn’t like a passing grade or something, it’s more like the cherry on top.
    i’ve started enjoying the idea that sex isn’t defined by him cumming. it means that there’s not a real end point to sex and it’s not all about the cock. i’ve never been in a lesbian relationship but i kind of imagine it might be more like that. just two people doing what they feel like instead of acting out a script of what sex is “supposed” to be.

  25. daveNYC
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    A somewhat stupid idea, but have you tried giving him a hand job? If masturbation works for him, then in theory, a hand job should do the trick fine. That’s assuming that the primary goal is to get him to cum, as opposed to getting the two of you all comfortable with having sex with each other.

  26. Gnoumenon
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 1:35 am | Permalink

    Ooh I could have written this letter! In fact, I almost did, a bunch of times.
    Foxy’s advice is right on the money. I totally understand feeling like it’s your fault and you’re not a good lover- because I felt that way, too. But I assure you that it is not the case. I know no amount of people saying that will fully remove the doubt from your mind, but maybe it will help a little- it’s not about you! It’s about his various anxieties and issues. (Which are okay to have and totally possible to work through!)
    I went through pretty much this same thing. I thought it was all my fault and I was terrible and I didn’t deserve such a hotsexy lover giving me such great orgasms because I couldn’t do the same for him. And I talked about it with him and told him how upset it made me and unfortunately for a while the pressure just made things worse.
    It wasn’t until I backed off completely that we started to make progress, and that we accomplished by masturbating together. (Either me helping him or touching myself at the same time so he didn’t feel as self-conscious.) Recently after a very education-driven session, I made him cum for the first time! But even so, you know what? I don’t think it was nearly as fun as other times we’ve had sex, when we were more concerned about having fun than getting off.
    So, basically, listen Foxy. Have fun, forget about orgasms, and try incorporating mutual masturbation / manual stimulation into your sex life a little. It might be really really weird at first, but with patience you’ll get over it.

  27. kisekileia
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 3:16 am | Permalink

    THANK YOU for the death grip comment. This is useful information with regard to my own relationship.

  28. paperispatient
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    although women don’t orgasm every time, most of us think that sex can still be very pleasurable without orgasm, but we have this idea of guys that if they don’t orgasm they’ve got “blue balls” or they think of the experience as unsatisfying. some guys enjoy sex more like women do
    I agree with your sentiment, but I do think you’re generalizing about women a bit. Many women don’t have orgasms every time, but some do. And I don’t think that all women enjoy sex in the same way, like your last statement suggested – I think we’re often told that men think about and enjoy sex a certain way and women think about and enjoy sex a different way, but in reality I think it’s a lot more complicated and can’t be divided by gender like that.

  29. Phenicks
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

    If a person doesnt orgasm & they say it wasnt your fault then it wasnt your fault.
    Both of you are new to this he just has to figure out what gets him there and communicate that to you. Have a fun and fulfilling sex life!

  30. TD
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

    but we have this idea of guys that if they don’t orgasm they’ve got “blue balls”
    This isn’t a myth, its a genuine medical condition and is something to be aware of and possibly take measures to counter if a person has significant difficulty in reaching orgasm, the most common would be masturbation to finish off, although supposedly a vibrator can also prevent the symptoms.
    Further its not limited to men but is experienced by women as well.

  31. a.k.a. Ninapendamaishi
    Posted May 31, 2010 at 9:17 pm | Permalink

    I just wanted to say thank you for featuring this letter, and that I wish I’d had something like this to read when I was 18.
    When I was 18 I tried dating someone who wasn’t right for me, who I wasn’t that into. And he was pressuring me into sexual activities earlier than I was ready for. But I felt unattractive and I thought I didn’t have options.
    And when I finally tried to get him to cum during manual and oral, I couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to do. And all my friends, male and female, just told me that it’s supposed to be easy to make a man cum. My feelings of undesirableness snowballed. I broke it off with this guy, but then I let it ruin several potential relationships after that. It caused me to avoid most sex for 6 years. I’m just now figuring out I don’t have to be so ashamed at not being great in bed, so long as I’m willing to communicate and learn.

  32. Josh Jasper
    Posted June 1, 2010 at 1:14 pm | Permalink

    I wonder if there’s anything specific about sex that the OP’s BF really likes? Instead of focusing on orgasm, how about giving him attention in the areas of the sexual experience he likes, or exploring areas where both of them are interested in, but have never experimented with? For example, light exploration of any kinks or fetishes they’d both be comfortable with? Is sharing fantasies something they’ve both done? How often do both of them want sex of some sort?
    Working with those questions might have both partners feeling cared for and desired.

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