Feminism, Sexism, and the Conventionally Attractive

Dare I jump in on the storm about attractive women here?  It’s something I’ve thought about before.

Before I go to far:  The following is based in personal experience.  My personal experience is obviously not going to be yours.  If you want to criticize my views, that’s fine.  Just remember – I am not denigrating your experience by sharing mine.

I am a relatively conventionally attractive woman.  I am also an abuse survivor.  For a long time I believed I was abused because I was pretty.  I know the statistics now.  I didn’t then.  I stopped eating because I wanted to lose my breasts and hips.  I cut my face so it wouldn’t be seen as attractive.  Why?  Because everything I was taught said that, if you were abused like that, it was your fault for being too tempting.  Even after learning all the statistics, it was still hard to shake those feelings for a long time.

Now I am trying to take the next step.  Figuring out what my sexuality means to me.  For me, this is the hardest part to negotiate as a feminist.  I feel like I will be considered a "bad feminist" no matter what I do.  If I wear a miniskirt, or tight pants, I am putting myself on display for men’s enjoyment, and demeaning myself to the status of a mere sex object.  Bad feminist.  If I wear concealing clothes and hide my form, I am promoting body shame and the notion that women have to hide their sexuality.  Bad feminist.

I know what I want.  I want to be able to put together an outfit in the morning and not have it automatically be treated as a statement about my feminism, or my sexuality, or quite frankly anything other than what colors and patterns I happen to like.  I want to be able to try to look good, even be attractive to men (no offense to my lesbian sisters here), without being turned into a mere sex object.  Without people questioning whether I need men’s approval to function simply for wanting a summer fling.  And without my attempts to look attractive being seen as putting my less culturally acceptable sisters down.

I’m still not sure how to work this all out.  I still feel pain every time someone talks to me about how "all women are beautiful."  Because to me, beauty still equals abuse, on some level.  I feel alienated every time someone describes my body type as "unnatural," because for me it is natural.  And it often comes far, far too close to the same old shit I grew up with, where I was constantly being told to cover up lest I tempt the boys.  The only difference is the reason given is that I am "supporting the patriarchy" instead of "tempting men to sin."

Right now it’s a zero-sum game.  That’s the way patriarchy teaches us to think.  If I dress to look attractive, I am somehow diminishing the attractiveness of other women.  It teaches us to denigrate each other – for what?  For being too sexual?  Being sexual in an unapproved manner?  Having the wrong body shape?  It seems this may be something the feminist community

Sorry if this isn’t the most coherent posting of all.  Constructive criticism is encouraged.  I just request that people give my experience the same level of respect they would like their experience to get.