John Mayer and Women

Because I want to show her I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed.”

Thank you for that, John Mayer. This is an excerpt from John Mayer’s Playboy Interview that has roused so much controversy. I’ve read bits and pieces about it, and the other day had the chance to read the whole thing myself. The one part that keeps running through my head is the quote above, a part that I feel has been mostly glossed over.

Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.”

Mayer makes it clear that when he’s having sex with a woman he wants her to have an amazing experience, but it appears less out of affection for her, as much as it is attention for himself and perhaps reputation (all vaginal orgasms? Wow! What a wiener you must have!).

When he says “I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass,” I have a feeling he’s not trying to say he’s fantasizing about your ex boyfriends.
John Mayer likes to one-up the men who “came before” when he sleeps with women. This is apparently what sleeping with them means to him. So if you manage to get Mayer in the sack, just remember: it’s not about you and him, it’s about the competition.
I’ve wondered if perhaps the reason this bothers me so much is because of one simple fact: I’ve thought like this before. When I’ve slept with women (more so than when I’ve slept with men, strangely), I’ve thought of it in terms of trying to be the best in the line. I’ve heard about the douche bags that came before, and thought “I need to be better than that; that’s what this is about.”
These days I don’t worry about it. I know that sex is just a joy to be shared, and that’s all it needs to be. It’s not quantifiable, or ratable, it’s just feeling good in the moment and sharing that feeling with another person till both “hearts” are content.
My companions and I once found a 15 year old’s journal on a park bench. She had recorded all of the dozen sexual experiences she’d had. She listed who the person was, where it happened, what kind of sex it was, whether she used a condom, and how good it was. Now, sure, there’s bad sex. There’s definitely bad sex. Bad sex exists like woah. But sex is so much about an experience between two people, that I feel giving it a rating on a scale makes it more about competition, and other people.
Fact is, in a week, you’ll never be as good as that boyfriend or girlfriend of five years that they just split up with. You don’t know those buttons; how could you? But the point is to make yourself feel good, and an important part of that is sharing the experience with the other person by making them feel good also. That feels good!
But John Mayer’s comment about raping all the men that slept with a woman first feels so impersonal, so competitive, and so not about the other person. I think sex is a highly emotional experience, even if its just the emotional drive of a one night stand – “I don’t know this person, but they feel like an awesome person to me right now, I want this so bad.” Hmmm, or maybe even, “I don’t know this person, and they’re a douche bag, but they’re so hot, I’m gonna fuck the shit out of them.” There’s always that element that goes beyond the physical. So its not just, “nice vagina, lets smooch.” It’s things like the anonymity, the crush, the love, the hate, etc. The connection with the person plays a large part.
So Mayer’s connection with (many of? some of? all of?) the women he sleeps with is the raping of all the men she previously slept with. The conquering of men who have shared something, good or bad, with this woman. Winning. Bettering. How romantic.
I suppose part of the reason this disturbs me so much is because Mayer is straight, and if that is how he sees the women he sleeps with, I wonder if that’s how he sees all women. Monosexuals (gay and straight people) are different from bisexuals/pansexuals in that their sex drive decides this for them:
Gender A – I’m friends with
Gender B – I have sex with
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Because many monosexuals are more along the lines of:
Gender A – I’m friends with
Gender B – I have sex with some, I’m friends with others
That’s fine. But I understand that in this society it’s hard for monosexuals to see “Gender B” as diverse as that. Definitions of their sexuality tend to be something like:
“desire for the opposite sex”
or
“A person sexually attracted to persons of the opposite sex”
It’s never “A person who is sexually attracted to some of the opposite sex” or “a minority of the opposite sex” (I know heterosexuals who have only ever been sexually aroused by literally a handful of people in the world). My point is, not all straight men (for example) are attracted to all straight women.
So, due to these cultural boundaries, I think for many, the opposite sex (or the same sex) comes to represent the “sought after” gender. So for people like John Mayer, that’s what women are. They’re the challenge to battle against his own insecurities about his sexual abilities.
Hmm, that’s a whole new can of worms, right? Our sexual insecurities. The modern man has to have a 6 to 12 inch dick, last 30-60 minutes, be better than all the other men, and give women at least one orgasm in order to have one each sexual battle.
It’s brilliant that men are actually expected to help women achieve orgasm these days. Brilliant! However, I am reminded of a Tori Amos lyric:

“So you can make me come, that doesn’t make you Jesus”

Some straight men do have this attitude towards women; that helping them orgasm is part of a conquest. You’re not having sex, you’re not helping to bring her to orgasm; you’re making her come. There, all done, you win!
I’m sure in the moment, a lot of women wouldn’t be too bothered by why John Mayer wants to make them come. But ultimately, how does this shape his attitude, and other men’s attitudes, towards women? That’s what disturbs me. I feel that as a bisexual I have the advantage of breaking away from that Gender A vs. Gender B standard. Society definitely had it imposed upon me for a while, but when I came out I started to realize how untrue it was for me.
I’ve no doubt that this behavior stems from insecurities and societal pressure. No fucking doubt in the world. I don’t think Mayer is necessarily a bad person, just an insecure one. Imagine having sex with another human being without having to feel insecure about a thing? What a novelty! Just a happiness to be shared.