no more

On Friday afternoon, I went to the police station. First: I attend school in a miniscule Midwestern town with a church on every corner. The police force is exactly what you’d expect of such a town. And I’m still unsure if I’m grateful or disappointed. The dispensation of fatherly advice on the part of a police chief is quaint but when you’re there to file a criminal complaint against your ex-boyfriend, it’s not exactly what you’re looking for. 

I’ve heard a lot of things these past few weeks. My mother told me that all women have to deal with this, as if domestic abuse is a rite of passage. Your ex threatened you with retaliation if you went to the authorities? Congratulations, you’re a woman now. My friends told me the situation is ridiculous. I’m not even sure what that means, but I do think that is ridiculous for my ex-boyfriend to tell me that he is in a position of power over me. But I don’t think that’s what my friends meant, and if I’m ridiculous for disobeying my ex’s command to avoid Campus Safety, then I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree.

And then there’s the advice. It’s as if by stating the obvious, everyone thinks I will suddenly be enlightened. But I am not Buddha and they are not some collective human Bodhi Tree, and any enlightenment I’ve received I’ve found on my own. I’m already keenly aware that I got lucky. I know he would have hurt me eventually. And I know damn well that he’s unstable. I’m not blind and I’m not stupid and I know how close I came, and I’m tired of looking over my shoulder. 

So I say no more. I will not be controlled, I will not be manipulated. I will not be afraid. I will not hide and I will not be ashamed. I won’t allow the police chief of my village to pity me for “giving myself” to an abuser. It was my choice, just like it was my ex’s choice to humiliate me and tear me down. And I won’t allow the legal aid attorney to tell me I’m in a “vulnerable mental state” and that I might not “interpret” things correctly. 

I was threatened with humiliation and retaliation. I was insulted, hurt and verbally attacked. Yes, I’m in a vulnerable mental state. But I’m not hysterical, and I’ve had enough. On Friday, the police went to my ex-boyfriend’s house and told him that charges will be filed if he or his friends ever attempt to contact me again. It’s the most I could do since I was never threatened with physical harm; there seems to be a loophole for psychological abuse. But in any case, I have proved one thing: that I’m the one in control.