She Proposed…And He Said Yes!

Ever wonder why the cultural narrative about a woman waiting for the proposal is so pervasive and ingrained?  Or why in this age of feminism and equal partnerships we don’t hear more stories of a woman proposing to her boyfriend?  My good friend, feminist, and colleague did just that and wrote about it very honestly in a guest post on the website A Practical Wedding . 

Changing the story can be hard. it can seem like everyone is pushing back. I googled “women proposing” and talked to my friends. There was one clear message: “Cute idea, but you should really wait for him.” ??One of my closest female friends told me “Men will propose when they are ready. We just have to wait for them.” A close male friend just couldn’t envision how a woman proposing would work. The internet told me that he’d feel like I was stealing his thunder. It also warned me that he might say yes without meaning it, just to keep the peace. Some articles warned me that it would ruin the relationship forever.

The warnings didn’t ring true to me, not for us and our relationship. He isn’t a big-surprise kind of guy; no thunder to steal. With really important things, he always speaks honestly. He wouldn’t say yes if he didn’t really mean it. He’s not particularly traditional, so he wouldn’t be offended by my proposing. And those conversations about weddings and getting married — the ones that had made me think he might be planning to propose — told me that yes, he was thinking about marriage. He was ready. I didn’t have to wait for him to propose to know that.?? And while I trust my friends, their warnings weren’t based on anything specific about me or my boyfriend. They were talking about how they thought a proposal should go.

The more I thought about the assumptions and expectations behind all the warnings, the more I realized: I could propose. It would really work for our relationship. I bought a man’s ring.??But all those warnings still sat in the back of my mind, having a party with the cultural narrative. They kept popping up to tell me “You’re doing it wrong!”

What strikes me in her writing is her description of the often very real and scary leap from theory to practice…what we “think” we know we should do to be true to our selves and our politics can still be a process fraught with anxiety and fear and the sheer weight of going against the gendered script when we put our thoughts and words into actions.  A good read for anyone trying to reconcile their personal politics with their lives and partners!  And congratulations to Carrie and Keith