Nice Girl(tm) Defence: She Couldn’t Have Done It!

Sometimes I float along in my feminist/anti-racist worldview, believing that I have somehow transcended the tired and mundane and damaging stereotypes of cis and trans women and men. I talk to any woman who will listen about how she has a right to good sex and that being pretty or "promiscuous" doesn’t mean you deserve abuse or rape. I specifically chose a doctor at my student health clinic who teaches in Women’s and Gender Studies to perform my first gynecological exam/pap smear. But, of course, life throws us curve balls.

Since November by best friend has been having relationship problems. She is cis and het as is her boyfriend and they’ve been a committed and monogamous relationship for about 4 years now. The whole story is too long to recount, but as of a week ago they began a "break they need in order to stay together".

Suffice it to say the first two days were hellish as I talked to one of the loves my life breaking down over the phone. But during one of the more lucid moments, she told me that – among a lot of alleged grievances – she had (unknowingly) forced her boyfriend into sex.

Apparently he had said things along the lines of "I’m too tired right now, let’s just go to sleep" and she had continued to proposition him thinking "welll, this will help you sleep better!" My immediate reaction was that there was no way she had coerced or pressured him into sex. After all, he should’ve just said "No really, I don’t want to do this right now" if she kept at it. It was his fault for not stopping the encounter.

And then I realised that had this been a woman in his place – not to mention my best friend – I would never have given this consideration. I was victim-blaming, basing my assumptions in tropes of male hypersexuality and female passivity. She didn’t handcuff him to a heater and force-feed him viagra . She’s a nice girl, she couldn’t have done that !

I haven’t talked to him myself about any of the issues they’re dealing with right now, but I find it impossible (even on further reflection) to believe that what she allegedly did deserves the strident language. But why? I can say that she’s my best friend and I know her too well, that I know (from observation and conversation) the dynamics of their relationship, and on and on.

I posted this here for a couple reasons:
1) to examine how deeply held beliefs don’t always change our gut reactions

2) to start a discussion of how performing masculinity can lead to situations like this (where he may have feared to give a more definite No due not only to her requests but also to internalised ideas about his sexuality)

3) To show how sexual policing from society can make sexual relationships hard to negotiate