Ask Professor Foxy: How Can I Be Sure Someone Less Experienced Is OK To Date?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I’m in a very sticky situation at the moment. I’m currently 17, and the girl I’m interested in (and has expressed interest in me) is a couple weeks shy of 15. She’s definitely a much more mature and self-actualized person than her age would suggest, but the fact remains that there’s a huge difference in our life experience. I’m a senior, she’s a freshman; I’m a poly, queer, trans person, she’s barely out to her family, etc. I’m so afraid that if we were to be together, I would somehow break consent, pressure her, or in some way hurt her because of the hierarchy that comes from our age and experience difference. And even more pressing, is she old enough to consent? I know for a fact that when I was 14, “yes” meant “I’m scared of you and feel like I can’t say ‘no'”. As a survivor of rape, I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever did anything to victimize someone else.
Half of me thinks that if I talk about everything with her, move slowly, practice really good consent, and avoid anything more than making out until she’s 16 and it’s legal and safe for us to do so, it can all work out. But the other half of me thinks that there’s no getting around that big of a divide – that I’m somehow doomed to be exploitative. Did I do the right thing in telling her “you’re too young and I don’t think it would be healthy for us to be together”? Is there a way we can date that makes sure nobody gets hurt?
I’m so incredibly confused and worried, and I’d really love to hear any advice you have to give.
Thanks.

Dear Thanks –
As I write my response, I am struggling with the line between your desire to not be exploitive and making sure that you are respecting what this young woman expresses. I am going to get more into this in a second, but a few things are clear to me:
1. Consent – in its legal definition – varies widely by where one lives. Legal consent differs by one’s age, the age of one’s partner, and the legal sex of the people involved. Be careful to find out exactly what the law is where you live. I would try your local chapter of the ACLU. Even if she is ok with any sexual acts you two may undertake, her parents may not be and they will be able to press charges, especially if she has just come out.
2. There is no way to date a person, regardless of age or any other characteristic, that guarantees one will not get hurt. Learning how to deal with hurt feelings whether in a friendship or romantic relationship is an important part of maturing, learning your own boundaries, communicating them, and enforcing them.
Now back to the line between your fears and her desires, she has expressed interest and you are clearly interested in her as well. You need to figure out the difference between your own issues and fears and hers. It is not fair to put your fears unto her and you need to own your feelings. It is also important to listen and honor what she is saying and not dismiss it based on her age.
If you decide to just stay friends, keep a clear boundary around touch and sexual activity. Know both of your boundaries and make sure you respect them.
If you decide to date her, take things slow. Make sure you are clear about what you both want sexually and in a relationship. Just like with friendship, know both of your boundaries and make sure you respect them.
Explain how you feel, trust her to make up her mind. Listen to what she says and take it at face value. Make sure you are ready to be in a relationship too. Move slowly and you can find a place where you both feel safe.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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