Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Tell New Partners About Past Trauma?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago, and at this point I am considering dating again. I am really apprehensive about getting close to another man though, because I am a survivor of domestic violence. When I was in high school, one of my boyfriends forced me into sex, and a few years later an ex-boyfriend stalked me for five months and because the school chose to protect him and blame me for the situation, resulting in me being diagnosed with PTSD.
Now that I’m in college, I have recovered with the help of my therapist, but I still have some emotional “tender spots.” I am scared of having to share my past with a new partner for a variety of reasons. I don’t want to be judged, pitied, or rejected because of what I have been through. Also, I’m not sure if I know how to even begin to find a guy, who is a feminist, as well as being completely understanding and accepting of what I have been through. Dating is hard enough, and this kind of a situation makes it even harder.
Say that I actually find a guy who I feel comfortable enough to confide in, when and how to I tell him? My recent ex knew about my past before we became romantically involved, so I didn’t really have to deal with when and how to tell him. At what point is it appropriate to share such information, without sharing too much too soon or making the other person feel like I’ve been holding out on them?
So Professor Foxy, what advice do you have? How can I spot someone that is understanding and can be trusted, and when the time comes, how do I go about sharing my past with them?
Thanks,
Finding love with baggage.
Hi FLWB –
I wish there was a perfect formula I could tell you about. I wish I could tell you how to know whether a guy is going to be accepting or not from early in the relationship or when you meet him. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. I think there are two main areas to focus on: steps you can take to make sure you are ok regardless of what happens and signs to look for in a potential romantic interest.
For the first part, you are clearly taking good steps. Therapy is incredibly important. There is never going to be a certain way to tell, so you need to make sure you have a support system in case things do not turn out well. Your recent ex sounds like he could be a part of it.
For the second part, think about what identifies a man as a feminist. Yes, one can declare himself or herself a feminist, but how does that translate? How does he talk about the women in his life? His relatives? Does he have female friends that he respects and who trust him? Is he polite and kind to random strangers?
One of the most difficult parts of this process will be learning how to trust your instincts. If a guy seems off, he is off. Not sure? Check in with your network.
You are under no obligations to tell someone about your past until you feel comfortable. A good potential interest will understand that regardless of when you tell him. Part of knowing if he is a good match is that his desire for you to feel comfortable and secure will override any initial feelings of “why didn’t she tell me sooner?”
Keep in mind what your triggers are. Are there ways that you cannot be touched or approached sexually? Make sure he is aware of them. You do not need to tell him within the context of past trauma if you are not ready, but can frame them as “I prefer when you do this versus when you do that.”
How you tell them will differ by the situation. Find a place that you feel safe: a local park, your dorm room, his dorm room, a walk around the city. Tell him the best way you know how. I would also preface it with something like “I have something I want to talk to you about that is really hard for me to discuss. I feel like I can trust you with this information and how emotional it makes me.” A little bit of prep to let him know that something hard is coming. Also make sure he is in a place to hear it. Does his life feel stable and ok right now? Can he listen at this time? You are more likely to have a good conversation if you are both feeling secure.
I can’t promise you a journey with no mis-steps or no additional pain, what I can tell you is that we learn from our pain and our mis-steps. A bad partner, a negative response, a hard experience can make us stronger and better in the next part of our journey. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with those who care for you, trust your gut, and you can do this.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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