Dear Prudence, he tickles me. (Dear Prudence, he assaults me.)

(Possible trigger warning:)

I ran across a very disturbing letter in a Dear Prudence column.  The letter-writer has a problem (to some extent long-standing) with her boyfriend:  he tickles her, although she’s repeatly told him she doesn’t like to be tickled : 

Whenever we are lying on the couch or in bed together, he will start tickling me, and when I react he gets on top of me and pins me down so that I can’t defend myself. I have repeatedly told him that I hate being tickled….  He insists that because I laugh, I must enjoy it. He adds that I need to learn to master my mind, and once I "convince" myself that I am not ticklish, then I won’t panic when he tickles me. What should I say to him that gets my point across?

"Gets on top of me and pins me down"?  Or more like ??!!

I’ve had problems with Prudence’s replies in the past, but on this one I think she absolutely hits the nail on the head: 

Your boyfriend knows that though you’re laughing uproariously while he’s tickling you, it doesn’t mean you’re having a great time but that you’re being tortured. Torturing you is the great time for him. If he were a decent person, a simple "Please don’t tickle me again. I hate it" should have been enough to end the sessions once and for all. But you’ve explained ad infinitum what a violation the tickling is. In response, he plays ridiculous mind games with you about how you’re responsible for your own reaction when he daily climbs on top of you and pins you down so he can force you to endure his digital assaults. You’re asking me what you can say to your "great," "sweet," and "caring" boyfriend to get him to stop attacking you. I think you should boil your remarks down to their essence, and what you should say is "Goodbye."

Prudie is on the money here.  NOT ALL ABUSE — not even all physical abuse — INVOLVES HITTING.  What this guy is doing to the LW is abuse, plain and simple.

To be precise, I ran across this entry at a LiveJournal, cf_abby_tribute .  I have strong disagreements with some of the comments in the thread ("kick him in the balls" was sarcasm, I hope), but others are dead-on accurate:

One of the early signs of a possible abuser is when he holds down or otherwise restrains his mate without permission.

And:

The little fucker isn’t trying to ‘convince’ her that she should control her ticklishness. He is ‘convincing’ himself that he is NOT getting off on overpowering her, the feeling of her wriggling powerlessly underneath him and her breathless and anguished begging to please, please, *please* stop, no, no, indeed not. He is *helping* her, really. And the stiffie he gets from it is merely a side benefit, nothing more.

What distresses me about the original letter is realizing — once again — how easy it is for an abused person to deny, even to herself, that she’s being abused … and how dreadfully easy it is for an abuser to find ways of abusing that don’t look like abuse.   Who, after all, would equate tickling with abuse?  But I’m putting this posting in the category "Violence Against Women", because — as strongly as he might insist that it was just a game , that it was just in fun and after all he was only making her laugh! — what he’s doing to her is abusive, and assaultive, and in its essence violent.