Having Sex While Stealth is Not Sexual Assault

I’m following up on these two posts about coming out as transgender to romantic partners.

In both threads, there were people who not only argued that trans people have an ethical obligation to come out to their partners, but a few people were even arguing that having sex while stealth is sexual assault. That is, they were arguing that transphobic people can’t consent to sex without knowing their partner’s trans status, as such knowledge would effect their decision making. Thus, they argued, trans people must either come out to their partners or be celibate.

This line of thinking is deeply disturbing for several reasons.

Before getting started, I’ll point out that most of this discussion applies only to post-operative trans people who are indistinguishable from cisgender people. For other trans people, having sex without their partners finding out simply isn’t an option, at least not most of the time.

The first reason that this line of thinking is disturbing is that it reinforces the notion that trans bodies are shameful and that cisgender people need to be warned about them. There is nothing shameful, sick, or dangerous about transgender people or their bodies. If you can’t tell, you don’t need to know.

The second reason is that it treats sex and privacy like commodities that can be traded under contract.

The idea is that the transphobic person has sex and the trans person has privacy. The transphobic person offers to give sex in exchange for the trans person’s privacy. By not coming out, the trans person failed to fulfill their part of the “bargain” – they stole sex from the transphobic person. That is, the trans person raped them.

The flaw in this logic might be better illustrated with a different example.

Suppose you’re into BDSM. In fact, you like it so much that you refuse to have sex without it. You enter romantic relationship with a new partner and mutually decide to have sex, but only on the condition that you get to whip them. They say “OK” and you start having sex, but they back out when you reach for the whips.

You do not get to claim that you were raped just because you thought you were consenting to sex with someone who would submit to being whipped. The idea is ludicrous.

At worst, you could argue that they shouldn’t have lied to you about their intention to submit, but that’s not the same thing as sexual assault. This part doesn’t apply to trans people though, because they also have safety concerns. I wrote about this in more detail in my previous post.

The problem with this logic is that the choice to have sex, freedom from violence, and privacy are not commodities that can be traded.

They are things which are so important to our sovereignty that we’ve deemed them to be fundamental rights. They cannot be surrendered.

Privacy is particularly important to trans people. For many, information such as their karyotype and body configuration at birth is deeply personal. Not only do they live with a profound stigma against them, but this type of information can also make them vulnerable. They are disproportionately targeted for violence – often by romantic partners upon coming out. They are also discriminated against in employment, housing, and access to medical care, among other things. It’s not just a matter of personal comfort, its a matter of safety.

A trans person cannot ligitimately be required to give up their privacy, nor can anyone ligitimately be required to give up their freedom from violence. Agreements with these requirements are void.

You don’t get the option of violating your partner’s rights just because you want a guarantee about what type of sex you’ll have or what your partner’s body was like at birth. No one is entitled to a guarantee about these types of things, and if you can’t have sex without one, then you are the one who should be celibate. The onus is not on your partners to subjugate themselves for you.

Which leads me to the third reason that this line of thinking is deeply disturbing: it places the responsibility on trans people to cater to the transphobia of others.

When you say that trans people are obligated either to be celibate or to come out to their sexual partners, you’re suggesting that trans people should either disappear on their own or identify themselves so that they can be ignored, all for the benefit of transphobic people who would prefer it if they simply didn’t exist.

You’re telling transgender people to participate in their own oppresion.

That is deeply, deeply transphobic.

This list isn’t necessarily complete nor is it in order of importance – all of these reasons are important.

I think most trans people do choose to come out to their partners first, because they want to be sure that their partners are safe before getting sexually intimate with them. The key here, is that it is a choice.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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