Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Tell My Parents About My Poly Relationship?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I’m currently in a relationship with a man I love dearly, and I have been for nearly 3 years. It’s going well, he’s marvelous, we get on great. There’s just one thing – this is a polyamorous relationship. He also has another girlfriend, who he’s been with for a long time. That in itself isn’t a problem. I knew about her before I entered into the relationship and I’ve never had a problem with polyamory, it suits me fine, we take suitable precautions in our sex lives and we’re always open and honest with each other about everything. The problem is in explaining this to my parents. My mother noticed that my boyfriend was listed as in a relationship with the other lady on a social networking site, and has the notion that she must be his ex and he just hasn’t changed his status. She keeps asking me why he’s still listed as being with her, I keep changing the subject but I want to be honest with her. I’m not sure if she’s ever come across the concept of polyamory and I really don’t know what her reaction will be at all. I want to convey that this relationship is every bit as committed as a monogamous one and just as loving. How do you go about explaining this kind of thing with no knowledge of the response you’ll get? What if the response is negative? Please help.
Yours,
Wavering-by-Worcester

Hi Wavering –
Ahhhhh the interwebs and social networking sites slowly taking away our ability to have any degree of privacy. This is a process and I am glad you want to go through it.
My first step would be to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you are going to have this conversation. This will likely change the way your mother interacts with him and he needs to be prepared for that. It may just be an initial change, but you both need to be ready to deal with this change.
Next I would make a list of all of the questions your parents are going to ask and focus on the ones that will annoy you most. I don’t know your parents, so I am just going to put out some possibilities:
Honey, do you think you can’t get a man who really loves you?
He is getting his cake and eating it too.
Darling, you know you aren’t actually ok with that.
In my day, we just called it cheating.
Then you need to think of calm, rational answers. And keep repeating them. Whenever we come out about something, be it our gender identity, our sexual orientation, or our relationship status, we have had time to process and work through it. Others will need that same sort of time. Keep in mind that if your parents have friends on the same site, they may need to end up explaining this to their friends as well.
Answer their questions with patience. I also caution that words like polyamory may not work for the first conversation. Keep it simple. “Mom, I know you keep asking me about the woman who says she is in a relationship with Jack. They are in a relationship. I’ve always known about it. Jack and I are serious and committed and we see other people. We are open and honest with each other and this works really well for both of us.”
If she denigrates the relationship, I would point out ways that he has been great in the past. When he has been at family functions, when he has helped your family, how happy you are together.
And then, and this may be the most difficult part, let it go. It will take time for your mother to understand and accept this (just ask the majority of queer folks who eventually have accepting parents). Keep answering their questions, but also set boundaries. If either of them are rude to your boyfriend or questions his love for you, you can call a stop to that. Your relationship and partner deserves respect.
This is the last and most important part – prove them wrong by actions. Show them that for all of their preconceived notions of what a “real” relationship is, you and your man are happy and love each other. It takes time, but this will be the greatest convincer of all.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

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