Ask Professor Foxy: How Can I Be Sexually Active with HPV?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Hi Professor Foxy,
I came out of a 5 year relationship at the beginning of the year, he is the only man I’ve ever had sexual intercourse with. I’m currently enjoying myself being a free agent – being able to explore my sexuality, pursuing women and men and all types of relationships (not just monogamy).
Despite having quite a lot of opportunities I’ve not had sexual intercourse with anyone else yet. I caught genital warts/HPV from my first partner, so the big barrier for me in having sex with anyone else is in telling prospective partners and also the big fear of catching something else because of my bad luck with my first sexual partner.
At the clinic they advised me to tell every partner before I sleep with them and to go to the clinic with them if they were worried about catching it, but how does this work in real life? My friends tell me I shouldn’t worry about telling someone at the beginning of a relationship if we’re using protection (which of course I will), but I know HPV can be passed on through skin to skin contact. I want to be responsible and tell every partner but I really need help in how to broach that subject – especially at the beginning of a casual relationship or in a one night stand.
In my head this has become such a big thing, I feel almost like a leper. I know HPV isn’t really a big thing, it’s the common cold of STIs but what’s the best way of discussing this in the ‘heat of the moment’? I know so much about HPV, how do I give someone the information they need – that a large percentage of sexually active people have it, it’s linked to cervical and penile cancer, without completely frightening someone to death? I feel like my sex life is on hold while I try to deal with this – despite wanting to go further than kissing and cuddling with partners I can’t because I’m scared of being rejected.
On top of this I have a history of OCD and anxiety, so it feels like I take this issue much more seriously than others!
Some practical advice in what to say to partners and how to handle asking questions about others’ sexual health would be great!
Thank you,
Worry Wart
Hello Worry Wart –
You clearly know a lot about HPV, but I am going to take a moment to do some background for those who are not familiar with it. First, HPV is the common cold of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you are sexually active (anything involving genital contact), you’ve likely had it. However, just like the common cold, there are many strains of HPV with the majority passing through and out of a person’s body before they even know they’ve had it.
There are some strains that cause genital warts and then others that cause cervical/penile cancers (and increasing evidence shows they also can lead to head and neck cancers). Just to be perfectly clear, these are different strains that cause cancer or cause genital warts. The kind you have causes warts, not cancer. People can have both, but your healthcare provider should have checked.
I appreciate your desire to tell your sexual partners. I agree that you do not have to tell people you are just kissing or possibly thinking about hooking up with about your status. It is not their business and they are not at risk of catching anything.
When you are at the place of considering oral, anal, vaginal penetration, you should tell them. You don’t have to give them every single bad outcome, but something to the extent of “before we go any further, you should know I have HPV. The kind that causes genital warts. I checked before we started hooking up and I don’t have any visible warts, but I want you to know.” Then wait; the next step is up to them. If they are comfortable asking questions, answer them honestly. Respect their decision on what to do next. But, and this is a huge but, they do not have the right to make you feel dirty. People with STIs are not dirty. They are simply people who have an STI. If your potential partner reacts negatively, you learned early this is not someone you want to be active with.
Now people with vaginas can have warts in non-visible places, but a visual scan is important to see any that you can.
I also hear your concern about catching something else. You take a risk when you do any kind of fluid exchange with another person. Oral, anal, vaginal – whatever your pleasure – you take a risk. Using latex barriers helps to lower that risk. I also always recommend doing a scan of your partner’s genitals. This sounds very cold and awkward, but before putting your mouth or anything else on another’s genitals something kiss the stomach while you look. In life, most things have risks, it is deciding when the gain (be it pleasure, desire, intimacy) outweighs the risks.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.