Ask Professor Foxy: Can I Use the Internet to Satisfy My Kink?

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Hi Professor Foxy,
I’m a modern hip gal, and I like the internets as much as anyone, but I’ve got a safety concern about hookups from the internet.
I’m a happy kink fetishist, and while I have a fun partner, there are some other things I’d like to try that my partner isn’t into (we are very happily poly). Sex columnist Dan Savage basically advocates the theory of “find your kink match through the internet”, but I feel that he’s a guy, and he can afford to take that cavalier attitude about meeting strangers. Since my kink involves me really needing to trust my partner for safety, I just can’t bring myself to answer or place ads to have a little fun.
In the old days, (the 80’s), there seem to have been a few clubs for meeting fellow kinksters, where people would join and get a rep in the group as being a safe top or a terrible top. There are still a few dungeons around, but they keep from being closed down by maintaining a strict “no sex” policy. That’s not what I want.
I’m sure there are lots of women around, kinky or vanilla, who have safety concerns about internet hookups. What’s your general suggestions about internet hookups, and can you offer any specific suggestions about meeting people with ahem “Special Interests”.
Happy but safety conscious kinkster

Hello Happy Kinkster –
I hear you. While I am often a fan of Mr. Savage’s advice, I have to admit that the meeting someone over the internet without a shit-ton of safety precautions feels like a really bad idea.
On the other hand, your needs and desires are clear. There are still sex/kink parties around, but they can be difficult to find and are much more of a private party type these days. So what’s a kinky girl to do?
Have an email exchange about what your boundaries and desires are. Discuss how you want this to progress and gage the response. If you are satisfied, move on to the next step: either phone calls or meeting in person. If it is phone calls, keep your inner check in on. Does this still feel right? When and if you are ready, move on to the step below.
I would ask if you have a friend that you are out to about this behavior. If not, I think you need to figure out who you can come out to. If your partner is ok with it, have them play this role. When you place or answer an ad on the internets that describes your kink, at a minimum your friend needs to have all the person’s contact information in addition to where you are meeting and setting up pre-arranged times to call. In a best case scenario, when you meet this person your friend is sitting a few seats away and is keeping an eye on things.
I would also carefully lay out boundaries with the potential hook up. First meeting in a completely public place with no chance of sex or sex play. At this meeting, lay out what your boundaries are and what you are and are not willing to do. How does the potential hook up respond? Does she/he agree? Ask probing questions? Seem genuinely respectful?
If all goes well, I would suggest trying to find a public dungeon or sex party to go to with the potential. You should meet there so you have your own transport. See how the potential hook up acts. Same things as before – respectful, genuine?
Since your kink involves a great deal of safety and trust, I would also do ramp up on the activities. If you like being fully trussed up, start off with having sex in which the hook up demands you stay still, but you can still move. Then do feet or hands, and keep moving the action up to where you can get what you desire.
In all of this you need to listen to your gut and listen hard, too many women ignore their instincts in our society-molded desire to please and not to offend. This is about you and your safety.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.