Ask Professor Foxy: Can I Use the Internet to Satisfy My Kink?

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Hi Professor Foxy,
I’m a modern hip gal, and I like the internets as much as anyone, but I’ve got a safety concern about hookups from the internet.
I’m a happy kink fetishist, and while I have a fun partner, there are some other things I’d like to try that my partner isn’t into (we are very happily poly). Sex columnist Dan Savage basically advocates the theory of “find your kink match through the internet”, but I feel that he’s a guy, and he can afford to take that cavalier attitude about meeting strangers. Since my kink involves me really needing to trust my partner for safety, I just can’t bring myself to answer or place ads to have a little fun.
In the old days, (the 80′s), there seem to have been a few clubs for meeting fellow kinksters, where people would join and get a rep in the group as being a safe top or a terrible top. There are still a few dungeons around, but they keep from being closed down by maintaining a strict “no sex” policy. That’s not what I want.
I’m sure there are lots of women around, kinky or vanilla, who have safety concerns about internet hookups. What’s your general suggestions about internet hookups, and can you offer any specific suggestions about meeting people with ahem “Special Interests”.
Happy but safety conscious kinkster

Hello Happy Kinkster -
I hear you. While I am often a fan of Mr. Savage’s advice, I have to admit that the meeting someone over the internet without a shit-ton of safety precautions feels like a really bad idea.
On the other hand, your needs and desires are clear. There are still sex/kink parties around, but they can be difficult to find and are much more of a private party type these days. So what’s a kinky girl to do?
Have an email exchange about what your boundaries and desires are. Discuss how you want this to progress and gage the response. If you are satisfied, move on to the next step: either phone calls or meeting in person. If it is phone calls, keep your inner check in on. Does this still feel right? When and if you are ready, move on to the step below.
I would ask if you have a friend that you are out to about this behavior. If not, I think you need to figure out who you can come out to. If your partner is ok with it, have them play this role. When you place or answer an ad on the internets that describes your kink, at a minimum your friend needs to have all the person’s contact information in addition to where you are meeting and setting up pre-arranged times to call. In a best case scenario, when you meet this person your friend is sitting a few seats away and is keeping an eye on things.
I would also carefully lay out boundaries with the potential hook up. First meeting in a completely public place with no chance of sex or sex play. At this meeting, lay out what your boundaries are and what you are and are not willing to do. How does the potential hook up respond? Does she/he agree? Ask probing questions? Seem genuinely respectful?
If all goes well, I would suggest trying to find a public dungeon or sex party to go to with the potential. You should meet there so you have your own transport. See how the potential hook up acts. Same things as before – respectful, genuine?
Since your kink involves a great deal of safety and trust, I would also do ramp up on the activities. If you like being fully trussed up, start off with having sex in which the hook up demands you stay still, but you can still move. Then do feet or hands, and keep moving the action up to where you can get what you desire.
In all of this you need to listen to your gut and listen hard, too many women ignore their instincts in our society-molded desire to please and not to offend. This is about you and your safety.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

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17 Comments

  1. RES
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 11:21 am | Permalink

    I also want to point out that a lot of cities have munchies. These are events for kinky people to meet up in a non sexual space, normally a restaurant or cafe, meet and get to know each other. While they are not geared toward hooking up they are a great way to get involved in the local kinky community and learn what sorts of events are going on in your area. These are usually pretty easy to find on the internet if you search for munch and your location.

  2. opheliasawake
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 12:11 pm | Permalink

    Dan Savage actually advises most of that stuff when talking about internet hookups, because of the recent events where both men and women have been hurt by people they met on craigslist for hookups.
    The other thing he suggested that might help is meet the person with your partner, at least initially, so your partner knows what the other person looks like, and so the hookup knows that there is someone around who is watching out and waiting up for you (which I think is just as important in terms of weeding out the bad possibilities.)
    The other thing I wonder is that you say that your partner isn’t into your kink. Is there anything that he/she is into that you’re not? If the internet hookup thing doesn’t work for you after a few tries, why not try a little trade-off with each other?

  3. bifemmefatale
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

    Another good tip is that for the first scene you’re going to do alone at someone’s house, you give all their contact info to your other partner, best friend, whoever, and tell them, “If I don’t call you by x o’clock, or if I call you and say (unlikely phrase), I am in trouble, call the police.”

  4. FrumiousB
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

    Why not meet somebody at a dungeon, where they have a reputation, and build to the sexual part outside the dungeon?

  5. j7sue2
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 2:29 pm | Permalink

    trade – off .. unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Dominance and submission are very deep – it just doesn’t work to pretend to be a dom, if you aren’t, which is what’s being suggested. equally it doesn’t work pretending to be a sub, if you’re not. If the power exchange isn’t truly there – it won’t be satisfying at all. My partner is basically dominant (although not into D/S) as I am, which is hugely frustrating, as neither of us are capable of switching, however hard we try.

  6. anteup
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 4:14 pm | Permalink

    I relate to this question so much. Even though I’m not a kinkster, I have trouble meeting like minded people in real life. I’ve often turned to the internet.
    People always say “you’ll meet just as many creeps in real life!” but at least then you’ll likely know someone who knows said creep and might be able to warn you!

  7. anteup
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 4:17 pm | Permalink

    They expressed not having access to many(if any) dungeons these days.

  8. Maeve
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

    I’ve had this same issue for a while now, and I discovered that Second Life is a good outlet for this. Yeah, it’s not real sex, but you can develop relationships just as easy on there as you can irl. Plus SL has a huge BDSM community, and best of all it’s free. You can use rl money to buy the SL currency and use it to buy outfits and stuff like that, but it isn’t required.

  9. Bebekah
    Posted August 15, 2009 at 9:45 pm | Permalink

    I would also suggest that if you find certain other types of events in your area there may be a much higher percentage of kinksters there. When I started attending my local weekly viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I definitely picked up that there were some kinky people in the group. In my area they also tend to be a little geeky, like myself, but the type of people may vary a little by location.

  10. j7sue2
    Posted August 16, 2009 at 6:39 am | Permalink

    good point maeve – I do too. And there’s enough depth to the “game” to mean that a relationship developed there over time – like 2 or 3 months – is satisfying enough to be worth the effort, while if & when you do want to meet the person for real, you have a very good idea of who they are. Anyone can pretend for a while, but the real personality shows through quite quickly.

  11. opheliasawake
    Posted August 16, 2009 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

    I assumed it was an issue of a partner not enjoying a certain kind of play or just BDSM in general, not that s/he was the wrong match for D/S. In my experience, it can be really rewarding to try something just once that you didn’t think you were into. I guess I just worry that the partner is missing the last two Gs in GGG (i.e. giving and game.) Although, if part of what turns the kinkster on is it being someone other than the primary, to the internet she must go if she can’t find a friend she feels really comfortable with.
    And I do know people who switch off just fine from dom to sub and back. Sexuality is complicated. No two kinksters are the same.

  12. Zebster
    Posted August 16, 2009 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    Oh, here’s a quick tip: if you want a way to verify that someone’s photos are genuine before you meet up, try asking them to send you a picture of them touching their nose with their forefinger(or doing some other thing that most people wouldn’t ordinarily do in a picture). It’s a good way to make sure someone didn’t make a fake profile for whatever reason. It might or might not be a relevant to your needs, but I figured that it can’t hurt to bring it up.

  13. Josh Jasper
    Posted August 16, 2009 at 7:49 pm | Permalink

    More advice: There may not be kink clubs, but how about kink meet ups or other social events? If you can meet a reasonably large group of people in a restaurant or other public place to chat, you might meet someone who shares your kink. And the meeting is probably much safer.

  14. sara
    Posted August 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Somewhat related question: What if one doesn’t have any particular “kink” (honestly, hopelessly vanilla), but also doesn’t currently have a partner, and does want to have sex with someone? I would have the same safety concerns as happy kinkster’s about meeting someone from the internet, and would also have the same concerns about anyone I met at a bar/party who wasn’t already known by several of my friends.

  15. faithfullyagnostic.wordpress.com
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 12:33 am | Permalink

    I’m disappointed that a feminist website would be supportive of kink.
    Have to remove you from my blogroll now.

  16. theelephantschild
    Posted August 22, 2009 at 10:17 am | Permalink

    what? this post is about how to safely get your kink on!

  17. theelephantschild
    Posted August 22, 2009 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    I dunno. No matter how many meet-ups you do, or how slowly you take it, its not going to necessarily gurantee anything.
    I think trusting your gut, one pre-meet up + very specific safe words / rules + telling a friend is enough.
    multiple meetings and all that build up seems like it would take the whole slutty stranger fun out of it.

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