Always, Always on the Defensive.

I am new to this feminism business, and I am thrilled to say that it has changed me for the better.  I have always known that I did not agree with the rules placed upon me by society, but it took me a while to fully understand what these feelings meant.  Feminism has improved my life immensely.  I no longer allow my physical insecurities cripple me. I no longer allow men’s view of me to define who I am and who I will become.  I no longer judge other women based on rumor and peer pressure.  I feel more comfortable being alone.  I feel much, much stronger.  Feminism looks good on me.

Recently, I was faced with an issue where I felt compelled to defend my feelings, against my will, from a personal attack.  I have a female co-worker whom I have always admired and respected as my definition of a feminist mover-and-shaker.  She is intelligent, ambitious, and does whatever she wants whenever she wants.  I considered her an ally.  I sat down with her for what I had intended to be a one-on-one conversation to share my newfound identity and empowerment.  Given her knowledge of my debilitating self-hate and insecurities, I thought she would be excited for me.  I told her that I have discovered feminism, and she immediately raised an eyebrow in slight confusion.

“Feminism, huh?” she answered.  “Why that?  What’s wrong with equality?”

I replied that I had always considered her a feminist role model.

“Ugh, no, I’m just a Humanist.  I prefer equality among the sexes, not that women are better than men.”

Surprised, I proceeded to inform her of the real fundamentals behind Feminism, that we are not above men, we only want equality, that we must constantly demand equality because we have not had it since humans were created.

“No, I am just a Humanist.  Feminism is…….well……I’m not a feminist.”  It seemed as though she was defending herself from an onslaught of evangelistic righteousness.  I simply told her that Feminism is what works for me, I am not trying to force her into it, it is simply what works for me, and why is that such a bad thing?  I said that taking a stand for equality is necessary because of the male privilege that has been so ingrained in our world from the beginning of time, and we need to stand together to change it, blah blah blah.  I was not telling her she must be feminist, I was just stating the reasons why I chose Feminism and why I enjoyed it and all that jazz.

She immediately snickered and rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, there really isn’t anymore “male privilege!”  Then, she embarrassed me by calling out to the man on the other side of the room.  “Hey, Patrick, do you think there is anymore “male privilege?”

Patrick rolled his eyes and started laughing at me.

Then, my female co-worker sighed and giggled like someone who is speaking to an exasperatingly adorable child.  “Oh, Anna Anna Anna, you and your quirks!”  Then, when another man walked into the room, she called out, “Watch out! You’re walking into another one of Anna’s wild conversations!”

Maybe I shouldn’t feel hurt by this treatment, because every thing I say and do is considered a joke around that place.  Everyone there thinks I am a weirdo.  It just stings that the one thing that helps me feel better and stronger about my perceived “weirdness” is scoffed at.  I always have to defend everything I believe in, and it makes it much more difficult when I am forced to defend the one thing that makes defending easier.  Why can’t I follow something that heals my inner sickness and torment? 

I just wanted to get that out.  Thanks.