Ask Professor Foxy: Will My Bisexual Fantasies Ruin My Heterosexual Sex Life?

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Dear Professor Foxy –
I’m a 21 year old woman in college, and also madly in love with a man I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. We met 9 months ago and neither of us have looked back since.
Of course, I’m not writing to you to brag about my fantabulous relationship. The man graduated college and moved away a month ago for his new job. Prior to the move, we had sex frequently, and it was always very satisfying, so during those 8 months I never masturbated. Now that we’re apart, I’m back to masturbating a few times a week like I was before we met.
Here’s the thing – while my fantasy life has always been bisexual, for the past month I can only get off to fantasizes about women. I have given thinking about my boyfriend, or even just men in general, a good college try and it does absolutely nothing for me. Consistently, I fantasize about having sex with another woman, and its so incredibly hot to me that I get off in moments. It wasn’t like this before the boyfriend – my masturbatory fantasies were pretty much a toss up between guys and girls then, leaning a little more towards men.
I’ve never acted any of my same-sex fantasies, because “in real life” I am only interested in relationships with men. But this dramatic shift in my fantasy life is making me worry that maybe I’m more gay than I’ve thought. I realize that sexuality is a continuum, and I don’t think its a huge deal what I “am”, but my concern is – if this persists, will my heterosexual sex life still satisfy me? Will one day down the road, I want to have sex with a woman, just to see how it feels? While my boyfriend knows I have bisexual fantasies, he’s not down for a non-monogamous relationship, so I wouldn’t ask him to have a threesome, and the idea of losing what we have just so I could try out lesbian sex is ridiculous to me. I’m not even entertaining the idea of sleeping with a woman right now… but part of me wonders if maybe I will want to at some point. What else would these fantasies mean?
Do you think exclusively same-sex fantasies have any big meaning for a woman in a committed straight relationship? Why do you think this started happening right after the man left town?
Thanks,
-Me
Hi Me-
Thanks for writing in. I think that there are several things going on here. Some or all of which may apply.
1. Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. I have an odd one involving the Rock, but he is a Republican and so it can never be. Yet the fantasy continues. We can enjoy something knowing it is only fantasy and it can remain that way.
2. Your thinking and worrying about this is putting it more on your brain. Your desire to suppress this it makes more forbidden and therefore hotter. Again, my lust for the Rock cannot be fulfilled but when I see him as a gay bodyguard in Be Cool, it comes back again.
3. Maybe your heteroness is getting satisfied by your boyfriend and this is allowing more space in your fantasy life. Ever been told you can’t eat something, doesn’t it make you want it more?
And here is the hardest advice to take: stop worrying about it. Enjoy what your have now. You may one day be not satisfied with your sex life for numerous reasons: new fantasies, attraction to women, an inability to stop fantasizing about the Rock. Why worry about all of these things now? Enjoy where you are in both your solo and shared sex life. Recognize how these sides compliment and bolster each other. Take pleasure in them and enjoy your same-sex masturbation and heterosexual partnered sex.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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