Feminism and My Father: Talking About Patriarchy With the Men We Love

How do you talk to the men you love about feminism? How does it affect you when someone you care about can’t identify with your perspective on gender-based oppression? The Feminism 101 blog is a great resource for online debate, but when you are sitting face to face with a father or boyfriend who cares about you deeply but cannot understand your feminist perspective, a more personal approach is required.
My parents were in DC this past weekend to visit and see the cherry blossoms. We had a lovely time, but as is customary, ended more than one evening in intense post-dinner wine and beer-fueled debate. My dad and I have a great relationship, but we are both strong-willed and argumentative people. He is incredibility supportive of me and has always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I had touched on feminist issues in our frequent arguments from time to time, but on Sunday night what started as an off-hand comment from me about feminist critiques of Judd Apatow’s movies and his problematic female characters devolved into an all-out battle about the effects of patriarchal oppression and how people concerned about women’s rights should conduct themselves.
I brought up the stark difference in character development that many feminists see between Apatow’s male and female characters, and the myriad issues in the plot of his film “Knocked Up” that are problematic from a feminist perspective, in particular the reproductive and career choices of its main female protagonist. My dad was completely indignant. He felt that Apatow had the right to tell stories from his own perspective, and that it was completely logical that he was able to create more well-rounded, interesting, and appealing male characters because “you write what you know.”

I explained that I am a fan of Apatow’s work, but that I feel it is my responsibility as a feminist to point out sexism when I see it, no matter how subtle or how well-meaning the source. At that point my dad had some advice for feminists: stop looking around for and pointing out small slights. Look forward. Reach for and become what you want, and stop wasting time pointing out things like (what you think is) Judd Apatow’s vague sexism. When I brought up the legitimacy of exposing and critiquing subtle racism, he told me to take a page from Barack Obama’s book: be a uniter, not a divider. Stop alienating people by being combative and critical and nitpicky and instead effect change by example. Using the sexism-racism analogy, he said I was being a Jesse Jackson or an Al Sharpton instead of an Obama, and that Obama had succeeded where Jackson and Sharpton had failed.
I tried to explain that small slights and subtle sexism can be just as damaging as the blatant kind, and to stop identifying and objecting to it would be to allow it to continue. I tried to explain that even if their more direct methods (and not to defend everything they have done, but rather to defend the general idea of vocally exposing discrimination and inequality) meant they would never be President, that the methods Jackson and Sharpton subscribe to are important, too. I tried to explain that all of this was true because subtle sexism is pervasive in our society and patriarchy continues to oppress women, and to stand by without protesting would be, for me, a death of the spirit.
His response? Patriarchy oppresses men just as much as it oppresses women. He said he has felt required his whole life, as the sole breadwinner, to work and provide for us. He argued that men aren’t allowed to be emotional, or vulnerable, or any number of other characteristics that patriarchy has deemed “feminine” but that sometimes come naturally to men. Trying to explain that despite the fact that the oppression that men face as a result of patriarchy is doubtlessly frustrating, it cannot even begin to compare to that faced by women was like banging my head against a wall. I made the best inroads by pointing out how much easier it was for a man to achieve roles society defines as “female” (stay-at-home parent, for instance) because they are roles that are not blocked off by the machinery of power and that the discrimination faced by men who choose these “female” roles, while not insignificant, is largely limited to the social and emotional rather than financial and power-based spheres. Still, my dad asked if my mom thought patriarchy oppressed men and much as women, and even she hedged, saying “I don’t know,” and eventually settling on the vague and non-committal “in some ways.”
So all of this was wildly frustrating. I tried browsing through Feminism 101 to see if I could find anything relevant to link to my dad, but it was all so blog-based and I felt a nagging need to successfully explain this to my father in a personal way. So, what do you think? What are your strategies for discussing feminism and patriarchal oppression with people whom you love, who truly want the best for you and for women in general, but are unable to fully understand your perspective from their position of privilege? Is this just something I have to accept? Do you have similar experiences?