Family Problems, and I need advice.

Okay, so both me and my step-sister (who is like a true sister to me and will be henceforth referred to as my sister) are both bisexual. I came out to my mom two years ago to some mixed feelings. I am adopted, and my mother loves me very much but she’s also extremely homophobic. She was born in 1953 and was raised in a Protestant family. She used the typical shoddy arguments of: 1. You just haven’t met the right man yet. 2. Why don’t you just marry Steve (my male best friend)? 3. But I want grandchildren!

We eventually got past that when my then homosexual relationship ended. I’m assuming my mother just figured I’d gotten through that phase, which obviously is not true despite the fact that I am now in a very healthy and happy heterosexual relationship.

My problem that I need help with is my sister. She has recently come out to our parents and it isn’t going well. For starters, she’s 17 and is dating a 20 year old woman. Technically, this is illegal. I am somewhat concerned about the age difference, but I also want my sister to be happy. Our parents are not exactly being understanding about the situation though. That being a mild understatement. I don’t believe that her dad (my step-father) is a homophobic person. He’s not completely supportive of gay rights (he is perfectly okay with civil unions, but not with gay marriage) and he’s made some pretty obnoxious comments towards her already. For example, he told her that if she ended up in a lifelong commitment with a woman that they shouldn’t have children. When she asked him why, he responded that a child needs to have both a male and female figure in their lives. This is completely hypocritical of him to say because my sister was raised alone by him for the first ten years of her life. She had female figures in her life through other family members and an ex-girlfriend of his.

The main issue is with my mother. She told me to tell my sister that if she catches her sneaking out of the house to meet with her girlfriend that she will call the police. My sister is a good kid and has never been one for sneaking out of the house to begin with, and my mother’s passive aggressiveness is also quite aggrevating. According to my sister, my mother has been ignoring her since she came out. She doesn’t talk to her and barely looks at her. She didn’t act this way with me at all. My sister obviously feels uncomfortable in this situation and according to my mother has told both of our parents that she doesn’t want to live with them anymore. My mother views this as having a crappy attitude and being unappreciative. She is so stressed out by this situation that she’s saying SHE doesn’t want to live in the house with my sister there anymore. She recognizes that she can’t ask my step-father to choose between her and his daughter, which is good, but from the sound of it, she’s basically saying that she’s so upset by my sister being bisexual that she wants to divorce my step-father so she doesn’t have to deal with it. She hasn’t come out and said that, but that’s what it sounds like to me.

She called me on Monday to tell me about these feelings of hers, and she wants my advice. I didn’t know what to tell her and we ended up just having a rather intense discussion about the way they have been treating my sister. They aren’t letting her go out with her friends (because her girlfriend is currently living with one of her friends who is also underage. I don’t know the specifics of that situation) and they clearly don’t trust her. They don’t want her spending ANY time at all with her girlfriend because they’re afraid of what other people will think (they live in a rural town on the Oregon coast which is predominantly conservative). I’m not at all surprised that my sister doesn’t want to live there anymore. They’re basically treating her like a freak and a prisoner in her own home.

I’m going down there to visit for about 5 days starting on Friday. My question is, what can I do to help keep my family together and to get my parents to start treating my sister like a human being again? I love both my mother and my sister very much and it’s extremely difficult being stuck in the middle like this, especially when I am bisexual as well.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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