Tampons: the root of all evil

Disclaimer: This post talks about periods, tampons, and pads. If you don’t want to read about female hygene products, don’t read this post. I realize that some women prefer tampons, but I think they’re evil — but you’re not if you use them.

I hate tampons, and I know I’m not alone. My first experience with them was during middle school when I went to the nurse for female hygene products and all they had were tampons. I was 12 and had a hymen, so it felt like there was a stick in me for the rest of the day. (My next experience was very similar when at a cousin’s and we wanted to go swimming. Still had that hymen though, so no swimming for me.)

Eventually I was able to use them, but it was always a hassle, and 10 years into my menstrual years, I can no longer use them for the same reason I had been unable to use them when I first got my period: PAIN! Now it just makes my cramps unbelievable, but I’ve come to the conclusion that my vagina does not like them and so I avoid them.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid them all together because of all the things that are marketed to young women, tampons are the most ubiquitous (word of the day).

Tampax is by far the worst offender. Take this gem for instance:

Isn’t that special? "Compared to pads, Tampax helps keep your period private." Yes, that’s right, even through your dark jeans, while you’re sitting down with your legs crossed, EVERYONE knows that you’re wearing a pad. In fact, it’s even more obvious than having a mariachi band following you. So, instead, we recommend our brand of bleached, overprocessed cotton to jam up inside you.

There’s a formula for tampon commercials: pretty, skinny, well adjusted women who use the product being advertised, and a bloated girl who still uses pads because she’s not yet enlightened. She’s also bitching about her period. The tampon girl says "how can you use pads? It feels like wearing a diaper." and hands the pad girl the product being advertised, "here try this." And at the end of the commercial they’re doing something fun like dancing, or swimming, or working out, and they’re both laughing.

Because, apparently, tampons make you happy. Yes. Tampon=happiness.

Yeah, I don’t think so. And what’s all this nonsense about wearing a diaper? Really? I’ve been out of diapers for a really long time, so I don’t quite recall the feeling of wearing one, but I think this statement is highly suspect. I mean, I don’t know about you, but most pads I’ve seen protect one area of the panty, and since we’ve done away with the whole cloth-and-belt thing, it’s actually pretty much just the one spot between my legs that has a little extra padding. No impeding of movement. No crinkly diaper sound, no saggy butt.

And someone, please, tell me why I have to still be sexy, wearing tight pants or short skirts, when I’m on my period. I don’t feel sexy on my period. I feel cranky, moody, and oh yeah, I feel like my uterus is turning itself inside-out. Having to be sexy while on our periods, (by wearing tampons), is just one more of those symptoms of a culture that consumes women. We’re expected to at least appear available at all times, even if we’re really, really icky "down there".

Another formula for tampon commercials is a man in a store staring at a wall of feminine hygene products. Usually it’s dear old dad, who has been sent in by his daughter who is waiting in the car (why?). He grabs what she needs, and blushes as he pays for it. It’s thoroughly embarassing for a man to have to buy tampons (why?), but for some reason, he endears himself to his woman (or daughter) when he does. And he always has to say something to the cashier, usually something which demonostrates his ignorance to the mystery of the period, or his embarassment at having to buy something for her monthly ickiness.

This model is the "Knight in Shining Armor" model. She is so debilitated by her period that she can’t go to the grocery store herself and buy the prodcuts she needs, so dad or husband or boyfriend has to get them for her.
I find this model to be the most patronizing of the lot, because it assumes that women are utterly useless while on their periods. (Full disclosure: I’m on my period right now and have been doing a lot of strenuous work at work while simultaneously packing my apartment to move this weekend. Clearly, I am useless.)

Finally, there’s the informational model of tampon commercials. "Did you know you can now wear a tampon for up to 8 hours?!" This was a commercial a few years ago after "scientists" "deduced" that you weren’t risking TSS (toxic shock syndrome) if you slept through the night with the same tampon in the whole time. That’s so kind of them. You can now sleep comfortably through the night without having to get up and change in the middle of the night. Unless you know, you make a mess.

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the evils of tampon commercials, but not a lot talking about the evils of tampons, mostly because it’s an entirely subjective thing what you want to use for your period. I have no interest in convincing other women not to use tampons (primarily because the only person in whose period I am interested is my own), and I’m certainly not going to lie and say that tampon manufacturers put fiberglass in tampons to make you bleed more — cause that’s not true, if it was, it would cause massive internal bleeding and tampon companies would go out of business.

I do however, want to say something about the gross-out factor about periods, which I think is the reason tampons are so popular. Menstrual blood isn’t gross, at least not any grosser than any other kind of blood — certainly no more gross than milk, and we’re told to drink 8 oz of that a day! Yes, it has a propensity to go everywhere it can, stain underwear and dresses, and throughout history women have been shamed and shunned because of our periods. So naturally, we took to hiding them.

Periods aren’t shameful or inconvenient. They just are. And missing one is one of the scariest things most women (who aren’t trying to have children) can experience. Nonetheless, we’re continually taught that we must hide them, pretend that we don’t feel like shit, stop whining about the pain, and take some midol. I think that’s bullshit. You should treat your period however you want, and if anyone gives you grief for it, tell them to stick a tampon somewhere.