Twix Presents: How to lie your way into her bed

In my search to find out what candy is vegetarian, I stumbled on Twix’s website. Imagine my delight when I saw that their main attraction was not delicious chocolaty goodness but an instruction manual for how to “Get The Girl”. I was straightaway impressed with how quickly they were able to use the branding-women-as-property bit, but Twix soon showed me that they have their sexist stereotypes down pat!

Their “Interactive Love Story, Sort of” is about getting Our Guy (a lughead who clearly exemplifies that all men have only one thing on their minds) to get past Bruce and Francois (who, as other men, pose a terrible threat) to win over Deborah (A politically inclined yet gullible woman).  The fun all starts at a party, where Deborah is talking to Our Guy about her political views while Our Guy hardly looks at her above the neck and nods along with whatever she’s saying. Deborah, mistaking his agreement for actual comprehension, starts to seem interested. This is, of course, when Our Guy asks her to go to his apartment (Surprise! All men want is sex!) and Deborah gets offended.

Then the screen pauses and Our Guy reaches for a candy bar to help
him decide: should he “be shallow” or entangle himself in a web of lies
to get Deborah to sleep with him? Me being me, I picked “be shallow”.
This turned out to be a hilarious choice (“I think you’re so sexy…
You’re like the captain of the S.S. Sexy”) albeit one that gets poor
Our Guy slapped in the face. Twix is then nice enough to show me what I
should have done: Pick “Be Deep” (Read: lie your pants off), which
prompts Our Guy to tell Deborah that Silly Woman, he just wants to
blog! (So that’s what kids are calling it these days). Deborah gets
excited and the two go off on their merry way.. Or so you thought.

Just when it seems that Our Guy is finally going to get himself some
action, disaster strikes in the form of another guy: Bruce! Apparently
he actually wants to blog with Deborah and Our Guy about the media!
What a weirdo. This clearly is not part of Our Guy’s plans, and so you
are once again presented with two options: Be nice to Bruce and scare
him off, or be mean to him. Naturally, I picked the latter (Our Guy:
“You know what… I don’t think Bruce should go” Deborah: “WHAT!?”
Bruce: “That’s Not Funny. That’s not funny at all…” Then he starts to
cry, despite the fact that a real man, like Our Guy, would never cry in
front of a hot chick for a reason other than a really spicy burger).
Deborah then comforts Bruce and seems mad at Our Guy for some strange
reason. But luckily Twix once again shows us the true path: Shake
Bruce’s hand and be nice to him. That way he’ll get freaked out and run
off, leaving the path to Deborah’s pants wide and clear.. Or so we
think.

Just as Our Guy is walking down the street to his apartment with
Deborah (telling her that he’s out playing sports and BEING A MAN when
it’s warm outside), they run into Francois, who announces that he and
Deborah used to go out (until he presumably dumped her. It’s not so
easy getting over Le Francois). This causes Deborah, as a woman, to be
unable to speak, so Our Guy must step in. Or not. Turns out if you
don’t step in and defend your lady, Francois shows her a picture of his
new girlfriend, who is like ten thousand times hotter!!!! Then Deborah
runs off after him, because no woman can resist the Sexy Sexy French
Guy. No Joke. Apparently what you’re supposed to do is insult Francois’
hat! Then Our Guy is all clear to go home with Deborah.

But just as he’s opening the door to his apartment (and making up
more lies about having another apartment that’s being greenwashed at
the moment), something awful happens! The awful thing is that Our Guy
is a man, and therefore a slob. But Deborah is a woman, and therefore,
not a slob! But she still wants to blog (and apparently isn’t fazed by
a guy who reaches into his back pocket and eats a chocolate bar every
time he gets into an uncomfortable situation), so she asks where his
computer is, which again presents you with two choices because Our Guy
doesn’t actually own a computer as he’s spending all his free time with
da ladiez. Here’s the real test: You can either come clean or keep
lying. Since no decent man would pick come clean, I chose that first.
But that was a mistake! Apparently women don’t take kindly to being
lied to so someone can sleep with them. And apparently Deborah carries
around a tazer (why she couldn’t have used it on Francois, I don’t
know). Turns out what Our Guy is supposed to do is this: Pretend his
apartment has been robbed by laptop thieves. Deborah uses this excuse
to justify for the mess (even though Our Guy is so thick he can’t even
play along when she suggests that’s why his apartment’s a wreck) and
clings to Our Guy to protect her from the scary robbers. And for some
reason, this situation is very sexy to Deborah. So All Is Well in
guyland!

Now some people might say that this has serious implications and
that it’s a disgusting example of sexist stereotypes about masculinity
being exploited to sell a product, but I think it’s a heartwarming love
story. Sort of.