Quick Hit: Why do men keep putting me in the girlfriend-zone?

I love this brilliant reversal of all the Nice Guy whining about the how terrible the friend-zone is. It really gets to the heart of why I think complaints about the friend-zone are just so obnoxious. Even more than the sense of entitlement–that men are owed sex or a relationship for being “good guys”–it’s the idea that a real friendship with a woman couldn’t possibly be valuable in and of itself. Obviously, unreciprocated feelings always suck, but that is just straight-up sexist.

You know how it is, right, ladies? You know a guy for a while. You hang out with him. You do fun things with him—play video games, watch movies, go hiking, go to concerts. You invite him to your parties. You listen to his problems. You do all this because you think he wants to be your friend.

But then, then comes the fateful moment where you find out that all this time, he’s only seen you as a potential girlfriend. And then if you turn him down, he may never speak to you again. This has happened to me time after time: I hit it off with a guy, and, for all that I’ve been burned in the past, I start to think that this one might actually care about me as a person. And then he asks me on a date.

I tell him how much I enjoy his company, how much I value his friendship. I tell him that I really want to be his friend and to continue hanging out with him and talking about our favorite books or exploring new restaurants or making fun of avant-garde theatre productions. But he rejects me. He doesn’t answer my calls or e-mails; if we’d been making plans to do something before this fateful incident, these plans mysteriously fail to materialize. (This is why I never did get around to seeing the Hunger Gamesmovie. Not to name any names, but thanks a lot, Tom.) Later, when I run into him at social events, our conversations are awkward and lukewarm. This is because the moment we met, he put me in the girlfriend-zone, and now he can’t see me as friend material.

Read the rest here. And, of course, note the many commenters who do not catch the satire.

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How you can support the domestic workers movement

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Domestic work is gendered and waaay undervalued. This we know. We know this because it’s been established over and over again on feminist blogs and in academia. But more importantly we know this because so many of us have seen it happen before our very eyes. We’ve watched our mothers cook and clean each day after working at her full time job, while Dad watches TV. We’ve seen this happen to our sisters, our friends, maybe it’s even happened to you. So many women aren’t properly compensated for that “second shift” they take on, and this extends to women who do domestic work professionally.

The profile of the average domestic worker tends to be a low-income, migrant woman of color. This holds true in the U.S. and throughout most of Latin America. These women often work in homes taking care of children, cleaning, or cooking. Within this private sphere, they work under harsh conditions and are vulnerable to exploitation and mistreatment. The nature of domestic work can make organizing difficult, as these women are often stuck within a home and fear losing their job if they speak out. In spite of this, domestic workers movements around the world have been making huge gains in the past few years.

One of the best examples of this is the International Labor Organization Convention 189 which was adopted in 2011 to guarantee decent pay and working conditions for domestic workers. Since then, only six countries have ratified the convention (including Bolivia, Nicaragua, the Phillipines, Maritius, Italy and Uruguay), but many more have taken steps to support domestic workers, particularly in Latin America, which at 20 million has one of the world’s largest populations of domestic workers.

For example, this March, Argentina passed a law requiring that domestic workers be given maternity leave, paid holidays and a maximum 48-hour work week. The month after, Brazil implemented a constitutional amendment that recognizes domestic workers as the same as any other informal worker, guaranteeing them a 44-hour work week, overtime pay and an 8-hour work day. The Mexican government is discussing following Brazil’s example and is expected to ratify the ILO convention in June of this year. Mexico will be joining Nicaragua, Bolivia and Uruguay, where women-dominated movements made up of workers and employers have pushed their governments for regulation.

Domestic workers in the U.S. face similar problems as those in Latin America. In a report conducted by the National Domestic Workers Alliance, researchers found that half of the domestic workers surveyed were paid less than is necessary to support a family. However, few spoke out for fear of losing their job, or having their immigration status used against them.  Read More »

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Weekly Feminist Reader

Last night, a man was shot in the streets of New York in a hate crime marked by homophobic slurs. Bigotry kills.

A survivor argues that military sexual trauma should be treated as as national security issue.

Radio host Pete Santilli says Hilary Clinton needs to be “shot in the vagina.”

A proposed law to protect Afghan women was blocked by opponents.

This guy wants the government to pay women to date him.

On not being a “good” trans woman.

The Pentagon has established a process for trans vets to choose the gender listed in their records.

“Jokes can… validate prejudicial viewers and consumers in a way that defenders of these jokes may not fully understand.”

The annotated wisdom of Amy Poehler.

Is Suzanne Venker advocating for marital rape?

Radical transgenderism in rural Tennessee.

Wahhhhhh stop silencing the menz with all your talk of privilege.

The Rise of Beyonce, the fall of Lauryn Hill.

A Texas judge has ordered a lesbian couple to move apart or lose custody of their children.

On the utopianism of basic income.

Are portrayals of rape on TV ever not sexist?

Check out a screening of Free Angela near you.

“Dating is like wearing a hat, available only through irony.”

We failed the other Cleveland survivor.

I’m sorry, but you just can’t pretend American Apparel isn’t sexist.

Did you know abortions cause school shootings? Neither did we!

We need the new health care law.

The end of silence.

Why do we care if people know how much we weigh?

Girls in private schools are now allowed to play sports in Saudi Arabia.

This is “why it’s considered more dishonorable to report a rape, than to rape a fellow soldier.”

Campus mental health requires a strong community.

Katie broke down the five worst things said this week.

There’s a lot going on behind the word “slut.”

Battling censorship behind bars.

What have you been reading/writing/watching/listening to this week?

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Daily Feminist Cheat Sheet

Yale is being fined for underreporting sexual assault cases.

It was exhausting. Exhausting to figure out how to respond to the relentless misogyny from men who are otherwise kind and educated, who would never think of themselves as chauvinist assholes.”

Lucy Liu discusses racism in Hollywood.

A Michigan school district won’t let two pregnant high schools students show their baby bumps in the yearbook because it goes against the state’s abstinence-only policy.

Check out LadyBits on Medium, a collection of literary musings about technology, science, business, culture, sex, and politics–mostly from women.

T.F. Chalrton on humor and racism within feminism and The Onion‘s recent Rihanna/Chris Brown joke.

Bitch magazine needs 27 people to subscribe, renew, or give a gift subscription today in order to get a sweet matching donation.

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On doing the emotional work of being a male feminist

I appreciate pieces like Lauren Rankin’s “Feminism Needs Men, Too” over at PolicyMic and interviews like this one Brittney Cooper (of Crunk Feminist Collective) did with The Feminist Wire because they force me to consider more deeply what it means when I identify as a male feminist. I come into this space with a set of privileges (cis, male, hetero) that are in constant need of interrogation, so it’s important to take some time to reflect on that a bit.

I’m deliberate about saying I’m a feminist for a couple of reasons. I believe in equality and tearing down the systems of oppression that stand its way, so identifying as a feminist signals my dedication to radical change. But one can be invested in that work without applying the label. I choose it because I always want to be held accountable.

The line that struck me the most in Brittney’s interview is when she said: “The thing that we aren’t saying about male feminists is that they have to do the emotional work.” Relatively speaking, the politics is easy. The emotional work? That shit is hard, but is some of the most important work we’re charged with doing.

Because after the dust has settled, the reproductive rights have been won, the pay is equal, and there’s equal representation in Congress, the mission is only half complete if sexism still dominates our social spaces. You can say the structural stuff is more important, but it’s the everyday stuff that reinforces the structural stuff that adds up to a clusterfuck of mind-numbing oppression. And so many of us are guilty of allowing ourselves to perpetuate it without ever taking a moment to see the damage we’re doing.

It’s when you’re kickin’ it with your boys and you don’t speak up (or maybe even join in) when the one dude is being called a “bitch” or a “pussy” because he didn’t hit on the girl you saw. It’s knowing street harassment is wrong but also knowing that you let your eyes linger way longer than was comfortable for her when she walked by you in those yoga pants. It’s that you find it impossible to have a debate with her without dismissing her opinion as the product of emotion or PMS, then reacting to her calling out your sexism with “I’m a nice guy!” It’s going on and on about how much misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy have entrenched themselves so deeply into our culture, then not understanding why she’s upset the only compliment you ever give her has to do with her looks. It’s all those things you’re not aware of but would be if you were actually listening to her.

If you’re not going to challenge yourself to do better, why claim feminism?  Read More »

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