Master Educated Welfare Recipient

Yes, that could be me.  If I didn’t have parents to lean on is these so called "tough" economic times I would have to go the welfare office and do the whole dehumanizing process of applying for welfare, food stamps and whatever else I need.  On some website I read that good people have bad things happen to them too. 

Now I sit hear in my childhood room at age 26 (almost 27) and wonder where the heck my life is going.  On my desk is a book about nonprofit information as I am supposed to be gathering information on starting a nonprofit.  Although I feel completely unmotivated.  I have some flyers on powwow’s in my state.  I also have these two books out, "The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome, by Wayne Kritsberg," and "Resolving Unfinished Business: Assessing the Effects of Being Raised In A Dysfunctional Environment, by Anthony S. Dallman-Jones, Ph.D."  I have my planner but not much is filled out in there, three books of poetry I have filled out in the past three months and some other things like a ceramic cup of pens and pencils.  I have plenty I can too but I am bored and tired.  I am bored because I am a very energetic person who needs various outlets to channel energy into.  I am tired because of this situation of being broke, living with my parents, feeling confined in my childhood room in more ways than one.  I feel confined sexually like I have an energetic chastity belt preventing me from having any sexual life or even enjoying my own sexuality by just being with me.  Not only am I dealing with all of this but I have those two books on my desk for a reason.  Although my family and I have done an amazing amount of healing and inner work to heal the effects, challenges, wounds and traumas of being on the same ship of the alcoholic family system there are still some things within me I feel are unfinished business.

This is not easy by any means.  Nor has my life ever been easy.  Being raised in an alcoholic home, have a severe and near death case of iron deficiency anemia in high school, battling 6 years with an eating disorder and now this!  I worked hard to acheieve a Master’s degree by the time I was 24 years old.  I was broke by the end, weighed 20 pounds less than I do now, had to rely on the food bank towards the end of time in graduate school, feel alienated in a private school as the "blue collar Native American Ojibway Detroiter," and had to move 1,500 miles back home to Michigan which has one the worst economies in the nation.  When I first moved back there was definitely unfinished business and it was not easy being with my family.  I was always afraid of the violence, the yelling, the silence, the choking feeling I got around my throat when I came back and the lack of love I felt as a child hit me all at once.  Its been two years since I have been back and I have to tell you that it has been miraculous in many ways not for my family but for me.  The fact that I stopped being so afraid of them, spoke up more, and didn’t hide out like I did when I was a child.

What all of this has to do with my employment is that I feel like I am being asked to take a deep look at some very deep wounds.  I know I will have a job and many different jobs to come in my life.  In fact I may get a Ph.D and start a nonprofit.  But this morning I woke up frustrated!  I just interviewed for the 65th or 70th or 80th job (I stopped keeping track) that I interviewed for in the past two years and they said they would call on Monday (yesterday) and let me know.  I felt good in the interview and honored for my unique talents and gifts.  So I didn’t hear from them yesterday and thought that they must be busy.  My frustration in waiting and possibly hearing that I did or didn’t getting the job had me feeling this morning the wrong side of the bed feeling.  I got up and out of bed, made some yerba matte tea and a bagel.  When I went back to my room I cried because it is two years later and I am still here.  I cried because I feel stuck at my parents house.  In a strange way I feel like this place holds me back in more ways than one.  Like a 12th century woman in their parents home not a 21st century woman.

I could be on welfare.  Isn’t that interesting?  I have applied for over 700 jobs-everything from administrative/office jobs, cashier jobs, nonprofit, for profit, environmental and social service jobs.  Like I said I have had 60-80 interviews, I stopped counting at one point because it was so depressing.  No one has handed me a job.  Even staffing agencies tell me that they have nothing.  I feel like most places want a manufactured drone of a human being to work for them.  Someone who does not speak when things are wrong.  Someone who is silenced and "does the job."  I feel like I am too much of a bright soul to be in most places.  No one really wants a high priestess, healer or medicine womyn in their worklplace.  No one wants the light, do they?   Our society dishonors it on so many levels so why would anyone really want it in their workplace. 

As I wait for this call today and maybe tomorrow until I possibly call I sit here feeling very tired of looking for a job.  I don’t want to keep on looking for a job when nothing is out there.  I am very tired of looking for a job, beyond tired.  My resume is going to just get filed away in some file cabinet.  I do need something in the meantime if I do plan on getting a Ph.D or starting a nonprofit.  I feel that it is sad that as a woman I have to get a Ph.D to "get by," or start my own nonprofit to get by. 

I believe in the power of positive thoughts, creating your own reality based on those thoughts but I did not imagine being a part of this reality at age 26.  As a feminist I do not believe I am destined to a crappy life or to be disempowered but I believe I will have a good life and to be empowered in all that I do.  Except I am here right now at this point in my life.