Nikki

Based on numerous conversations with my mother about my weight, please find below a list of clothes that she considers flattering for my (UK) size 14/16, pear-shaped, 5 ft 7 body:

Kaftans.

This morning she commented that a pair of smart trousers I wear at least once a week had a hole in and would have to be thrown out. She then added, just for good measure, “They’re not flattering on you anyway.”

What I wanted to do was run up to my room, slam the door a few times, shout “I hate you” and play Rage Against the Machine whilst defiantly lighting a joss stick, which was pretty much the height of my teenage rebellion.

What I actually did was calmly, albeit slightly passive aggressively, reply, “But you’re missing the point. I am fat. You don’t think anything flatters my body because you want something that makes me look like a supermodel. Which is nothing. Because I’m fat.”

At that point my mum was literally floored by my wit, insight and quick thinking and lay on the ground as though she had been struck by lightning.

The end.