mary

I’ve been thinking about gender issues for a long time. Maybe my whole life. I’ve never been one to stay within the boundaries of what society has told me a girl should be. I guess I was a little bit of a tomboy. I had short hair most of my life, preferred sweatpants to dresses, had a Ninja Turtles birthday party in 3rd grade, and when I was able to pick an instrument to play, I went for the drums. In 5th grade when we were required to audition for the school musical, I said I wanted to be Christopher Columbus. Not because I wanted to sing the most songs (in fact, I have major stage fright) but because inside I thought, “It’s the best part. Why should it have to be a guy?” (I didn’t get to play Columbus, but instead was cast as Queen Isabella – the one and only female soloist.) I was freshman class VP, captain of my sports teams, and I loved rallying people together. In group activities I wanted to lead – not follow. I had strong opinions and I voiced them.

But something has happened to me as I’ve grown into an adult. Something I have only been able to grasp recently: I’ve changed.

I am not strong. I am not smart. I do not deserve success.

These are not things I say to myself in these exact words — but I tell myself them in other ways:

Don’t ...