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Time for a masculinist movement (an exercise in satire)

I have a vagina and big balls. The vagina, I was born with; the balls, well … my ex-boss once called after me as we said goodbye (in public), “Congratulations on your big balls!” It was a compliment.

It would be an insult to tell a man born with big balls that he’d acquired a figurative vagina.

I get to be masculine because of the feminist movement. So I’m calling for a masculinist movement. Hey guys, want to make sure we know you see us all as equals? Girl up.

No, I don’t need you to paint your toenails. I like painting my toenails, but girling up doesn’t necessarily mean getting “girly.”

Here’s the how-to:

1) If you are a potential “good guy” rapist, practice saying no to sex. You may have to rehearse in front of the mirror before you say no to an actual human being, since I’m told by the entire universe that guys never say no to sex. Tape record yourself saying no and play it back to yourself so you realize how good you can make “no” sound. Then get drunk and repeat the process so you can hear how great you can make “no” sound drunk.

2) Walk around town in a bikini bathing suit and count how many women rape you.

3) If you’ve got a thing for virgins, walk into a bar wearing a sign with your age and the phrase, “Virgin available here.” (Note: If by some miracle you get lucky ...