ughhh...and 'ballerina's carried a 7 foot cross into the ball room'...Thanks, dad, but keep your purity balls to yourself.

I think, after reading so many articles about these creepy things, was the 17 year-old who was "promised" to her 16 year old boyfriend and HIS father brought her to the ball. She didn't even promise her hymen to her own daddy but her "future" father-in-law. That's all kinds of gross. And I'd love to know just when that "marriage" had been arranged. Was a bride price offered over her crib?

Thank goodness for my dad. He would have found a purity ball humiliating for the both of us.

While neither my dad nor my mom really go out of their way to intrude upon my sex life, I know they want me to have a good, healthy one and that they trust me to decide when and where I'm ready to have sex and with whom. They raised me to use my brain and make my own decisions and they know that I usually do right by myself and by their teaching.

In fact, before I moved in with my SO, while planning the wedding to him, I complained to my mom that I'd rather just "elope tomorrow" than continue planning. She, who was raised devoutly Catholic, said, "NO! You have to live with him first to see how it will work out!"

Purity balls just reinforce the idea that females are the property of males, first they belong to their fathers who "protect their honor" until they're the property of their husbands.

*retch*

The gesture signaled that the fathers would guard their daughters from what evangelicals consider a profoundly corrosive “hook-up culture.�

I wonder if these fathers also pray to only have boys while they're at it, because apparently they don't need protection from the evils of hook-ups.

I think the closing of the entire article is particularly poignant: "The fathers took their flushed and sometimes sleepy girls toward the exit. But one father took his two young daughters for a walk around the hotel’s dark, glassy lake." I too get the creepy feeling something more is happening...

I think the closing of the entire article is particularly poignant: "The fathers took their flushed and sometimes sleepy girls toward the exit. But one father took his two young daughters for a walk around the hotel’s dark, glassy lake." I too get the creepy feeling something more is happening...

Gross.

Aside from actual protection from harm via rape, STDs', and a desire not to be a young grandparent there is no reason for a father to have this much interest in his kid's sex life.

That is just so creepy. I want to take a shower.

What makes it worse? My all-girls high school has a father-daughter dinner ball, NO purity shit though (we also had a mother-daughter luncheon). The dressing up, the dancing and the dinner were the same as these things and it somehow makes the very special event I went to with my dad somewhat creepy because of the similarities. *shudder*

This quote by Terry Lee gets me:

"[The purity ball] inspires me to be spiritual and moral in turn. If I’m holding them to such high standards, you can be sure I won’t be cheating on their mother."

The hell? Anyone should be sure that your significant other isn't cheating on you. Why do you need a ceremony to inspire and ensure fidelity?

Also this quote by a Mr. Wilson:

"[The girls] need to be rescued by you, their dad."

Everyone needs their fathers in their lives, but do we need to be rescued? Can't we help ourselves?

Purity balls scream all sorts of female devaluation (unless "pure"), passivity, and helplessness. They creep me out.

I guess the fathers involved believe that women and girls are just too silly and flippant to know what's best for themselves. Can you imagine it? A woman is considering having sex with her SO, but says "wait, I can't, I promised my Dad that I would wait until marriage while I was at a Purity Ball with him when I was 14. And the NYT documented it." No father likes to think of his little girl having sex, but let's be realistic - would you rather empower your daughter with the tools to plan if and when she wants to have sex and/or children and keep herself STD-free, or would you rather she find out everything by accident - after she's had an STD that made her sterile or after she had to drop out of college because "oops! you can get pregnant if you're on top"?

I'm glad that the article at least mentioned that (1) most people (male and female!) who take abstinence pledges break them and (2) when they do, they are less likely to use condoms.

I think part of the reason for this is to create a positive father-daughter ritual, and I wouldn't mind our culture developing more rituals to support children growing into adulthood and familial bonds, but hoo boy am I uncomfortable with this one!

The whole thing is so creepy. It was really bizarre to me that they mentioned that the one young woman was "promised" to the son, with no explanation. Also, this quote stood out to me, "...premarital sex is seen as inevitably destructive, especially to girls, who they say suffer more because they are more emotional than boys." Yep, girls don't have a positive sexuality, and boys don't have any feelings. Ugh.

Aw, leah, don't let this creepiness ruin anything for you. I agree with Ismone--the whole time I was reading this article, I kept thinking, "Why couldn't you just have a father-daughter celebration without all this weird sexual stuff mixed in?" The idea of encouraging fathers to be active in their daughters' lives, to have warm and loving relationships with them, to support them--these are all good things. But you can do all of this without 'owning' your daughter's sexuality or 'promising her' to yourself or some other man.

human bean, seriously.
why can't we encourage good father-daughter relationships without this sort of creepfest? why does it have to be about hymens?

Human Bean:

No kidding. You can't tell me that pretty much everyone wouldn't have had a better time bowling or playing baseball.

I'm a dad, my daughter shares with me a lot more than I shared with my parent(s) when I was a teen (she came out to me before she did with her mom). I really believe that this is because aside from offering advice in a "fatherly" manner I just talk with her like I do most folks. She knows in a person, I have made and continue to make stupid mistakes. And it's ok, just like it's ok for her to do dumb stuff, she just knows she can talk to me and not get a judgment trip.

Its a culture of monogamy taken to an extreme. Monogamy itself is unnatural and should not be socially sanctioned and enforced to such an extent.

Yes, when I saw that it freaked me the hell out. Creepy indeed.

I second all the declarations of creepiness.

Also, does anyone else chuckle uncontrollably at the phrase "purity balls"?

I wonder how much time these dads and daughters spend together outside the ball. I agree that parents should have strong relationships with their children for a variety of reasons, but one ball where you pledge to "protect" your daughter's virginity doesn't cut it.

Also, how awful would you feel if your husband said he didn't cheat on you because it would set a bad example to your kids?

Nice post, Jessica! Check out Jill Morrison's post about the New York Times article on Womenstake.org

Nice post, Jessica! Check out Jill Morrison's post about the New York Times article on Womenstake.org

I remember the very first time I heard about "purity balls" I thought it was something dirty. Ha!

But I guess it is. Doesn't really seem to be much of anything wholesome in a father owning his daughter's body.

I just can't agree with those things.

The last picture in that slideshow made my flesh crawl. And WTF @ the Boner Swords?!?!

"Purity balls" also sounds, deliciously, like some kind of spherical ice cream concoction. Mmm.

But seriously, what dad wants even to think about his daughter's sex life or lack thereof? My dad sure as hell didn't want me sleeping around when I was a teenager and still won’t let my boyfriend and me sleep together when we stay with him and my mom. (“He knows what goes on elsewhere, but he doesn’t want to have to acknowledge it by having it happen here,� my mom explains.) To me, that’s the antithesis of purity balls, which betray paternal preoccupations with daughters’ sexualities in their display of desires to repress them.

Just as weird, by the way, is the male equivalent, or at least that's the closest thing I know to one. Of course, that stuff thrives on the same conservative Christian view of men and boys as actors, protecters and example-setters as does the purity ball with its stress on male agency, but y’know. (And thank God my evangelically raised boyfriend strayed from that kind of thing pretty early, or I might not be getting laid.)

For some reason my second link didn't work. Whatever, it was to www.promisekeepers.org.

These 'purity balls' are really weird, and incredibly creepy. The whole idea of girls being 'rescued' by their fathers from a 'culture of sex', until they can be handed over to a husband... well, disturbing doesn't begin to describe it.

You have to wonder about the men involved. They claim to be standing up for morals, but say things like: "It's also good for me... If I’m holding them to such high standards, you can be sure I won’t be cheating on their mother." Because apparently if he didn't have a daughter to set an example to, he would happily do so!

And finally: it's funny how we never hear about purity balls for boys, isn't it? Apparently they don't need to be 'rescued' or kept 'pure', and are presumably supposed to go and have as much sex as they can instead.

And finally: it's funny how we never hear about purity balls for boys, isn't it? Apparently they don't need to be 'rescued' or kept 'pure', and are presumably supposed to go and have as much sex as they can instead.

There's integrity balls, although the whole virginity/purity issue is addressed in a different manner, as in "oh that's someone else's future wife/property, don't damage her!!11!"

My own 11 year old happened to look over my shoulder as I was going through the slide show. She had no idea what was going on. "Oh", she asked sadly, "are all their moms dead or something?" Something.

Jeez!The crap that comes out of the right! What are we going to do when this crap spreads deeper into America? This is sick, and tantamount to child abuse. These right-wing extremist Christians teach their daughters to be submissive to men and their fathers. There should be a rescue operation for these poor girls. When propaganda like this becomes tightly woven into a community it becomes castrating for a female. It would be like a black kid being raised by white parents who want to reinforce racist indoctrination into the kid by teaching them social behaviors that were forced onto blacks during the 1950s racially segregated South. Surely, an agency would take them out. However, teaching a girl that shes inferior due to her gender is apparently protected?

Thankfully I have no personal experience with purity balls (and yeah now I can't see that phrase w/o thinking something dirty)

However, when my husband first went to college his parents bought him an abstinence ring (his parents are very traditional and religious). The ring was long gone by the time we started hooking up but the guilt about it stayed with him. I remember him checking his email while we were laying in bed together when he got a reminder email from him mom about how they hope he maintains all the values that they tried to teach him and preserve his integrity by not sleeping with me (of course they also slightly think i'm a feminist heathen)

I just couldn't imagine having parents that tried to be so controlling over your sexuality and also who would base their judgement of you on it.

(from womenstake.org link)
"...or the study that found that teens who take virginity pledges are more likely to engage in oral or anal sex. "

Thats definitely true. A worker for a sex health clinic came in to talk about the issue of STDs and STIs in my city today during my womens studies class. She noted that anal sex has risen dramatically in the last couple of years among middle school kids. It has particularly impacted the affluent demographic that attend more of the prep schools because they want to retain their virginity but also have sexual relations. Soooo, you have 13 year olds having anal sex, but at least they've kept their hymens!

"Everyone needs their fathers in their lives, but do we need to be rescued? Can't we help ourselves?"

Sorry, not everyone needs their fathers in their lives. I was much better off without mine because he was the one that I needed rescueing from as a kid. Thank God for my mother. As for this creepy purity ball stuff, I don't know what my father would've thought of this (he passed away years ago), but I'm sure glad that I didn't have to find out. I think if people want to wait until their married to have sex for religious reasons is fine, but I think it should be a personal decision. That said, these fathers are way too involved in their daughter's sex lives. This whole thing is about property rights to their daughter's bodies, and it's disgusting. I guess since there doesn't seem to be any purity balls for boys and their mothers, that it doesn't matter how "pure" the boys are. A girl brings her hymen to her wedding night while her husband brings an STD.

" there is no reason for a father to have this much interest in his kid's sex life "

I agree. It seems like some sort of subconsciously repressed incest desire. Ewww!

That's entirely fucked up.

The idea that fathers have any right to determine their children's lives like this disturbs me. Providing a little bit of genetic information doesn't make you a parent and doesn't give you any rights over the children.

Seems to me the most direct way to eliminate the patriarchy is to eliminate the fathers before they can do this kind of crap.

I wonder how many people would go along with a male version of this mentality? Like, where mothers promised to keep their sons pure for their future wives. And where sons were told that if they have premarital sex, they are like used tooth-brushes for their future wives. And every time they engage in premarital sex, one petal is stripped off of the precious rose representing their value. "Don't leave your future wive holding an empty stem." (Obviously I don't think this is justifiable, or would justify the pre-existing "purity" culture aimed at girls).

"...or the study that found that teens who take virginity pledges are more likely to engage in oral or anal sex. "

Gross. I guess I'm a prude, but if I were old enough to be someone's parent I would lose alot more sleep at night if they were engaging in anal rather than just straight up customary sex.

weird, creepy religious shit is popular all over the world. Non-mainstream, religious America has been heading down this path for centuries.

Last nights Brit TV showed a fundie-Christian woman, just as creepy as these men, in her own way.

"...Providing a little bit of genetic information doesn't make you a parent and doesn't give you any rights over the children.

Seems to me the most direct way to eliminate the patriarchy is to eliminate the fathers before they can do this kind of crap."

That's absurd, though, Tori.

Ugh, this article makes me totally sick. Not only is it chock full of the "young women are the property of their fathers, husbands, or father-in-laws" [aw, hell, who am I kidding- ANY man] with no agency whatsoever, but it's also extremely heteronormative. Not that I expected anything different from people who seem to interpret the Bible to such a literal extent and I'm sure oppose "homosexuality" [ugh, I hate that word, but whatever] in general. But still, as a lesbian I find it super hard to stomach the idea that I should pledge myself to some dude- father or not- and only when I am married, can I have any sort of sexual relations whatsoever. Oh right, I forgot, married to a GUY. But... OH WAIT... I can't get married in all but 2 states in the US anyways, so I guess I should just never have sex? Right. That'll work.

This sort of gendered "boxing" of people into specific sexual roles has got to be totally damaging for all involved. Not only is there the obvious ways this is bad for women, but how can it be healthy for men to view their daughters this way, anyways?

One man took his 9-year-old twins to the ball. Is it just me, or do 9 year olds really know what sex and purity are? I think that was the age that I thought kissing was sex.

On the one hand, I think it is good that the article pointed out that fathers have a significant role to play in developing their daughters' self esteem. I beleive studies have shown that women's future male relationships and feelings are strenghtened by strong bonds.

Having said, that, ewwww! The purity ball thing is nothing more than 21st century version of what used to be the legal tradition - passing the woman as property from father to husband.

Now, I am all for encouraging young people - people, not JUST girls - to wait to have sex. There's a lot of emotional stuff that comes with it and you need to be ready to handle it. But, different people are ready for that first experience at different times. And to intimate that someone's life will be over because they had intercourse before marriage is ludicrous. But for these people, "premarital sex is seen as inevitably destructive." I guess they better not tell their daugters that there are scads of women who had sex before marriage and LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!!!!

By the way, do any of you think this whole "saving it for marriage" thing is for a bygone era when people got married at like, 14 or 15, so there was never really any need to wait, because once the hormones kicked in, you were already gonna be married, so, what was the big deal. Now, with a lot of people waiting until after a career or education or whatever to settle down, people are supposed to wait until 25, 30, or 35 to have sex? A good goal, but am I the only one that thinks it's a bit unrealistic?

P.S. Purity balls seem really heteronormative, too.

There's something REALLY creepy about this, especially when it's a future father-in-law of a 16 year old girl who has been "promised" to a boy since who knows when. Eww, eww, eww.

My parents were never interested in my sex life, except to make sure I used protection. And that's the way it should be.

You know what? At it's core, this is not about female virginity at all. It's about male honor, which apparently rests between a woman's (or girl's) legs.
Read what the dads are saying. It's all about them.

"Stephen Clark, 64, came to the ball for the first time with Ashley Avery, 17, who is “promised� to his son, Zane, 16. Mr. Clark brought Ashley, in her white satin gown, to show her that he loved her like a daughter, he said, something he felt he needed to underscore after Ashley’s father left her family a year ago"

So you think if she lost her "virginity" would he would still love her like a daughter? I think hes completely exploiting the fact that her father died to act as a property keeper for his son. This is absolutely disgusting. He is literally saying she is nothing but property to be kept for his son, and that her hymen is some sort of perverted token for him.

If you haven't noticed, these girls of rather young age all have make of some sort of makeup on... they are old enough to have their mother's makeup on their faces for this "special" occassion, but more than likely that was forced upon them by their mothers just like their religion by their fathers... and why? Because they are painting them up for their future father-in-laws who were more than likely in that room... All of these super conservitive religions have all be started and the majority of its patrons are male... I believe there is a connection.. what do you think?
Hopefully sooner or later this whole conservitive religous movement will die out or be consitered psycho by main stream Americans... I can only pray..

Whoops - I made an assumption that the father died, but he simply left. My statement about him exploiting her situation still makes sense however.

"Sooner or later this whole conservitive religous movement will die out or be consitered psycho by main stream Americans"

I'm not betting on it. What would be the consequences if it was simply left to fester in society. Weve all seen how anti-choice zealots have pounded down womens rights, and negatively impacted states and their communities. I think if you fuse feminism with media particularly aimed at Gen Y (sorry to use corny labels like that...) it will unite a common sentiment among this generational demographic and incite activism against it. I think it'll have to be another fight like the boomers had in the 60s and 70s but any activism will have to be tweaked differently to respond to our generations indiviudal circumstances. I think it would be particularly effective since this generation consumes different media than older generations and this position would be favorable in targeting and reflecting collective thought and the evolved ideas of this generation (as pioneered by our mothers generation).I mean, after all, were fighting the same assholes from the 50s, 60s and 70s that the boomers fought against. These right wing nuts and their outrageous politics need to be buried along with the 50s.

"... I can only pray.."

You were being ironic, right?

The purity ball thing is nothing more than 21st century version of what used to be the legal tradition - passing the woman as property from father to husband.

And, since the incestuous overtones of the whole sordid affair have been mentioned, it's worth adding that the use of one's daughter's body was once legally considered the right of the paterfamilias.

deano99: That one wasn't my comment, that was open_sketch's comment.

Am I wrong, or does it not make sense for these girls to wear spaghetti strap dresses and the like at a "PURITY" ball? If the fathers are trying to protect their daughters, I would think a nice ankle-length-turtle-neck-long sleeve gown to be the best way to say, "I'm saving myself for God!"

I was attempting to be sarcastic. I know that the conservitive right will not go away anytime soon but you never know. With all the media zooming in on the polygamy cases in Texas, Americans may find a parallel between the polygamy weirdos and this purity ball... probably not... But I can rest my head at night knowing I never grew up openly known that to my community, I was not a person, but an item to be bid on.

" If the fathers are trying to protect their daughters, I would think a nice ankle-length-turtle-neck-long sleeve gown to be the best way to say, "I'm saving myself for God!" "

Or why not simply a freakin burqa? I'd like to jam all this "Dr." Laura, Purity Ball, MRA, CPC, Focus on the Family extremist Christian crap down their throats!

Every time I see one a post that really gets my blood boiling, like this one, everyone has already made the comments I wanted to make! I guess I should read Feministing earlier in the day. :)

Anyway, I thought the picture with the dad dancing with his two young daughters ring-around-the-rosy style was adorable. Too bad it had to be at an event that was laced with sexual, and incestual overtones.

The idea of a purity ball seems pretty gross in the first place, but at this one ONLY THE FATHERS MADE THE PLEDGE. What kind of bullshit is that?

It totally doesn't make sense to me that daughters would go to this kind of event with their fathers instead of their mothers. Aren't most girls more likely to learn about sex from their mothers?

When I was a kid, I went to the Girl Scout father-daughter square dances with my dad, and we went the the father-child fishing derby our town held twice. We did a lot of other stuff, too, but the reason I remember these in particular is that my dad hates dancing and he's scared of worms. (I had to bait all the hooks. I suspect he's also afraid of live fish, but luckily, we never got that far.) He came home from work early or took a Sunday afternoon to spend time with me, doing stuff he hated. That means way more to me than this would have -- these purity balls are based on what the father wants, and the girl is dragged along for the ride, rather than letting the girl figure out who and what she wants to be, and the father supporting her along the way.

(For the record, I still like dancing, but I became a vegetarian a few years after the fishing derby. My dad now emails me whatever weird mentions of vegans he finds in the paper.)

I'm surprised that they keep using the "cover my daughter" line in the pledge, seeing as how one of its definitions is expressly 'esp. of a male animal) to copulate with'.

I would not be caught dead defending a purity ball. That being said, I do not think all those accusing this event of being "incestuous" in nature are really accurate -I don't think it's that simple.

Yes, it's about the father owning the daughter, in a sense, or being her "protector" in lieu of a future husband. But there are a lot of child psychologists out there who /aren't/ right-wing Christians, who say things about how teenage girls who have sex are really just looking for a "daddy figure" and don't have a close enough relationship with their own father. This way of thinking is very popular in psychology, and I suspect is very freudian in origin. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it's hardly like these right-wing Christians invented it.

Are some of these fathers fantasizing about their daughters, or even sexually abusing their daughters? It's quite possible. Unfortunately, that kind of thing is not terribly uncommon in the population of America as a whole. But I think to keep calling this event "incestuous" is to miss out on some of the more incisive and less debateable criticism you can aim at it.

Mighty Ponygirl,

Yeah, I love horses too, so the first time I read it I blushed, and then went into an OMG fit to my guy.

And not to be judgey, but yeah, I thought one of the dresses in the slideshow was risque for prom (ruffly, plungy neck). It was pretty too, but talk about your conflicting messages--be sexy without having sex!

Argh.

Nina: that's just it though. It's an entire ball constructed around a father's obsession with his daughter's virginity. To assume that a dad doesn't want his little girl to get into trouble before she's married is reasonable. To set yourself up as some sort of God-Appointed Hero Who Will Protect His Precious Daughter's Hymen From The Roving Penises is something else entirely. And, as someone who has followed the purity ball discussions in the feminist blogosphere for some time, I can say I've read plenty of comments from survivors of sexual abuse whose fathers were ALL about the panty-sniffing that were really horrifying.

Sexual abuse is such a hidden crime -- I really don't have qualms with looking at behavior like this and frowning and saying "y'know, this raises a LOT of troubling questions about the dad's relationship with his daughter." I'm not saying that every man there should go in front of a judge and prove he's not molesting her, but if I knew a teenage girl whose dad was taking her to one of those things, I would do my damndest to be available to her if she needed someone to talk to about what ELSE he was doing to her.

The creepiest part of that slideshow was the girls placing roses at the base of the cross. Could it be more obvious that they're symbolically placing their vaginas at Jesus' feet?

"Sexual abuse is such a hidden crime -- I really don't have qualms with looking at behavior like this and frowning and saying "y'know, this raises a LOT of troubling questions about the dad's relationship with his daughter." I'm not saying that every man there should go in front of a judge and prove he's not molesting her, but if I knew a teenage girl whose dad was taking her to one of those things, I would do my damndest to be available to her if she needed someone to talk to about what ELSE he was doing to her. "

Well, I guess I speak from the perspective of someone who has parents, both mother and father, who felt like they had to "protect" their daughters. One time my dad brought up how a lot of men like to marry women who have a hymen -awk-ward.

And my mom was always pushing my dad to hug us more and have various sorts of non-sexual touching, b/c that was supposed to lesson the chance we'd have sex b/c we were really craving male affection, or something. I don't know. I think it's a bit messed up, but apparently there's a lot of people who think this way. There's /certainly/ a lot of parents, especially in the midwest and south, who concern themselves with the state of their daughters' virginity.

And you can find plenty of liberal hippy dads who sexually abuse their daughters too, unfortunately. So I just wouldn't be quick to jump to any conclusions regarding this ceremony.

"To assume that a dad doesn't want his little girl to get into trouble before she's married is reasonable. To set yourself up as some sort of God-Appointed Hero Who Will Protect His Precious Daughter's Hymen From The Roving Penises is something else entirely."

I don't know. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I'd be tempted to think they /were/ pretty much linked, but I haven't really known these purity ball folks personally, so I guess I don't have much opinion on that one.

wow. If you look at picture #4, it totally looks like that cross is on fire. Talk about "homemade rituals".

wow. If you look at picture #4, it totally looks like that cross is on fire. Talk about "homemade rituals".

And I'm sure these girls have never received a single bit of accurate information about sex, contraception, pregnancy, abortion, or STDs/STIs.