First of all, this column does not explain how it 'does not matter' that Obama meant no disrespect. In fact, it's very clear upon my reading that Traister acknowledges the sexism in the comment without denouncing Obama as a candidate. Therefore, she's being very clear that it does matter. Which is good, because it does matter.

People have bad habits, many of them socially unacceptable, many of which come out in public at the worst times. If he wants to win, and he does, he'll be sure to work on this. But, unfortunately, he's not perfect--much like the rest of us. It's a shame he used this term that many find demeaning, but it does matter that there are degrees of crime, ignorance, stupidity and mistakes.

I'll quote Rebecca:

Also troubling is the perception that "sexist" must equal "ill-willed" if it is to be deemed offensive. Someone could call a professional woman "sweetie" and mean it in an avuncular, affectionate, non-harming way -- the way Barack Obama no doubt meant to deploy it. But just because a word is not meant as an offense, does not mean that it isn't diminishing, paternalistic and disrespectful.

It is fair to say that this mini-press cycle should be a dust storm and not a tempest. It's fine to say that it shouldn't mean too much, that it doesn't offer any sharp new insight into Obama or his campaign.

But it's not fine to simply laugh it off.

(Emphasis mine.)

jessedouglas:

What you said. Absolutely.

I confess I have a habit of using gender-biased pronouns. I will admit to continuing to do it while putting very little effort into ceasing this habit; for two reasons: 1) I've honestly found that, for whatever reason, I not only get away with it but it benefits me financially (I'm in a gratuity based field). When I flirt at work, women give me more money. So I'm kind of a whore, I suppose.

2) I'm lazy about making personal changes. If I have been unable to quit smoking despite real efforts there isn't much chance that I'll stop calling men "bro, dude, partner (pronounced with a "d" all cowboy movie style)" or women "love, darling (similar hillbilly annunciation)," etc.

Of course this habit is under my control enough that I don't and have not used it in the more formal fields I've worked in, so it's not excusable by me saying it's not under my control, since it clearly is. I can only say that I'm not insensitive to the potential for it to offend someone and be sincerely apologetic if it ever should, but that I honestly believe that, at least when I do it, it's not fake sincerity but the fact that I really do like most folks I encounter and that people who know me very informally or for a very short period of time often open up to me about personal things and I am genuinely involved/invested in the personal lives of a good number of my customers.

I believe there is truth, to a degree, that some people get away with this more than other people. It could be due to charm (innate or accrued through practice), or age (Burgess Meredith had a moment in "Grumpy Old Men" where he uttered a string of profane names for the sexual act, but it was kind of cute. It would have clearly been less-so if it had been some teenage boy), I don't know. I just know that in my environment a certain presumption of familiarity is beneficial.

Sorry if that makes me seem like an asshole to some folks here. I swear if you knew me you would probably like me, at least most of the time. I'd probably like you.

I don't see where Ann called for denouncing Obama as a candidate?

The point of Ann's post and the linked article, I thought, was not that intentions/spontaneity/etc don't matter when assessing the degree or severity of offense.. but simply that they don't matter to the basic question of "was it sexist or not."

Does it make a difference if a woman uses it? Regardless of the known-gender of the person she's speaking to?

In the south, the term "sweetie" is used so often, I tend to not even hear it anymore...but it comes out of the mouth of men, women, children, etc. Same with "Hon"

It's not necessarily professional...but in I wouldn't necessarily see it as disrespectful either, depending on the context (and especially in the South).

If I have been unable to quit smoking despite real efforts there isn't much chance that I'll stop calling men "bro, dude, partner (pronounced with a "d" all cowboy movie style)" or women "love, darling (similar hillbilly annunciation)," etc.

The thing is that there is an important difference between calling another guy "bro", etc. and calling a woman (particularly one with whom one does not have an existing relationship) "hon/honey/sweetie/darling/sweetheart/love".

When a man calls another man, even one he does not know, "bro", for the most part he is addressing the latter as an equal (that may not always be the case, but it certainly is a lot of the time). When a man calls a woman whom he does not know "sweetie", etc., he is talking down to her, addressing her as an inferior.

Misssteak: I think, as you're intimating, that the cultural aspect which tends to follow, but is not limited to, geographical region as well as socio-economic and ethnic origin should always be a consideration.

Certainly all of us can think for words used by or within a given culture or subculture which may be inappropriate for us to use within our own personal context.

This is not to suggest that if one is given offense that one should not address it with the person giving it, but that a) one should not go looking for offense or that b) one should address the matter in such a way as to give offense themselves and thus miss an opportunity to communicate one's feelings with another person who is coming from a different perspective.

Interpersonal grievances can be an opportunity for interpersonal empathy.

Does it make a difference if a woman uses it? Regardless of the known-gender of the person she's speaking to?

In my own personal experience, I find that I don't normally bristle when a woman addresses me in that way. When it's a woman speaking, it's less likely to be said in a condescending tone or with the intent to condescend (though there are, of course, women who do use it that way, and there is the occasional woman who says "honey" in the tone of "bitch").

Bill called Monica "sweetie" in private. Which makes even worse the fact that Barack in public calls any woman, uh a few women now, "sweetie."

Elise:

"When a man calls a woman whom he does not know "sweetie", etc., he is talking down to her, addressing her as an inferior."

I see where you're coming from, and I'm aware of your sentiment (hence the contrition and self-awareness of my post), but I disagree with an element of your phrasing.

A man is using a term associated with talking down, etc. This does not mean he is actually talking down or patronizing the woman. You're presuming an intent based on you're own response. This is akin to if I were to tickle someone and they feel pain because I'm unaware that I have a hangnail. The intent is to bring pleasure, the fact that it does not is not through the will of either party.

A man is using a term associated with talking down, etc. This does not mean he is actually talking down or patronizing the woman. You're presuming an intent based on you're own response.

Actually, I'm basing my conclusions as to intent on the tone that has in all cases been used by men who have addressed me in this way. The men who have addressed me in this way also tend to speak to me in a tone that one would use with a particularly dim five year old.

Well... it is better than calling your wife a cunt.

Whoever brought up the idea that there are certain words used in professional scenarios vs words you can use in intimate settings...I agree with that.

I find Sweetie a put-down if said to me in a professional setting. It has that "don't worry your pretty little head...let the men take care of things " feel to it.

And it seems incorrect to equate Sweetie with Bro or Dude. Sweetie is on par with using the term Boy when addressing African-American men.

Elise: That's still subjective. It may be correct, it almost certainly is correct at least some of the time, but it's not based on anything measurable other than your own subjective response to the phrase/word. Unless the person making the statement confirmed your interpretation after the fact there is no concrete basis for your belief to be considered absolutely correct.

People who know I'm a Jew have, on occasion, referenced things or made comments which were insensitive to that aspect of who I am. Generally these incidents were based on a lack of awareness of how I might respond or feel or due to some habitual slip (I've heard the term "Jew them/him/her down" so many times from gentile friends you might not believe it), or people who say "Shyster" w/o knowing wtf they are talking about.

Insensitivity (not even gross insensitivity, but fairly minor examples of it) do not equate intent.

Have people made Jew comments to me or in my presence in order to be insulting? Undoubtedly, just as you have undoubtedly been patronized by men. But one's own subjective experiences do not dictate the reality of all subject/object interactions any more than the fact that an albino's experience with sunlight means I'm always going to burn when I mow the lawn.

Well, hold on, I think it DOES matter that he "meant no disrespect", it just doesn't make it not disrespectful. It means a lot to me that he apologized for it, and appears to know that it's a BAD habit.

A good point, Bethany.

Sweetie, pah. The worst is if you are called "Lover" by your wife's ex grandmother in law.

but that's how she addresses every male adult. She is from Devon, England and apparently it is common there.

Very scary when she addressed me like that, when we first met...

That's still subjective. It may be correct, it almost certainly is correct at least some of the time, but it's not based on anything measurable other than your own subjective response to the phrase/word. Unless the person making the statement confirmed your interpretation after the fact there is no concrete basis for your belief to be considered absolutely correct.

It's interesting that you're so invested in finding a way in which condescension could be something other than condescension.

As I stated above, the men using that form of address did confirm my interpretation by both the tone and content of their speech, and, incidentally, by the use of a completely different, and substantially more respectful, tone when addressing men.

When one addresses an adult in a tone, and using forms of address, generally used in speaking with a small child, it is not exactly a leap to call it condescending.

But one's own subjective experiences do not dictate the reality of all subject/object interactions any more than the fact that an albino's experience with sunlight means I'm always going to burn when I mow the lawn.

A. No one is speaking of "all subject/object [sic] interactions". However, your albino analogy would be more accurate if you were to rephrase it as follows:

...any more than the fact that an albino's experience with sunlight means another albino will burn when I mow the lawn.

B. I'm not talking about one or two cases. I'm talking about probably thousands of discrete interactions with different men over the course of my entire professional life. The fact that there has not been a case in which a man who addressed me by such terms of "affection" who did not also talk down to me would seem to be indicative of more than my own experiences, especially considering that both the "endearments" and the condescension were present ab initio, the men using them having no specific knowledge of me by which they could have decided to apply the "endearment" and the condescension on an individualised basis.

Could it be that women know a little more about being called "sweetie" etc. by strange men than you do?

I'm really glad this was posted. At work, I get called "honey" and "sweetie" and sometimes "beautiful" (as in "Hey there beautiful") by a lot of the old men who come in and I really hate it. I've complained a few times to people around me and they treat me like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
I'm 21, so I guess I am young, but when I get called names like that I feel like it's really inappropriate. I feel like those are terms you call your wife or your daughter, not the girl who works at the water store. It makes me uncomfortable.

And like Elise said, it really does feel like they're talking down to me, like a "dim five year old."

I feel like my reasoning for being annoyed and slightly offended are now much more validated. Thanks

I saw this a few days ago and winced.

Chantilly, I get that at work a lot, too. I know the people aren't trying to be rude, but GOD it makes my skin crawl.

I hate it from women, too. Half the time I hear it (the South, included), it's catty and condescending.

I also do not respond well to being addressed as "sweetie" except by persons who are emotionally tied to me. I also despise being called hon, babe, etc., by persons of the male or female persuasion who are unknown to me. It connotes a closeness that does not exist.

My ex used to work for a man who called all female waitstaff "Sue" because he couldn't be bothered to listen when she gave her name or to respect her as a human being. Talk about offensive.

I respect Obama and can forgive small verbal indiscretions - but, in my opinion, he'd better get the sweetie thing under control soon.

As a former Detroiter/Michigander the state of Michigan and Detroit is very depressing. There are no jobs. People are very angry, depressed, hurt and afraid to create something outside of the auto industry. Detroit if you know is in the process of slow revitalization but it is still extremely depressing. Every day ideas and efforts that would prosper in other parts of the country crumble and fall because of the walls created by the auto industry there. Even in the suburbs there are "for lease" signs everywhere. Its very sad!

I am not surprised by Barack Obama and his comment towards this news reporter. Would he have anything to say to help the auto industry, Detroit or Michigan?! How is he going to help the "workers?" He is not and thats the honest truth folks!

Umm... I call everyone I know fairly well, regardless of gender, "sweetie", "sweetheart", and "hun".

But it's all about context. It seems condescending in that instance.

Maybe I should stop saying it?

Elise:

"It's interesting that you're so invested in finding a way in which condescension could be something other than condescension."

Is it more or less interesting than your apparent investment is in restating your ability to know the intent of every male who uses one of the aforementioned terms. Which I guess would make you a 100% reliable empath.

"A. No one is speaking of "all subject/object [sic] interactions". However, your albino analogy would be more accurate if you were to rephrase it as follows:"

But you are doing so when you state unequivocal notions that each and every time a male uses said language they are doing so in order to talk down to a woman. is/are != might/may be or even "probably is".

Consider how you would respond if I, as a man, would dictate to you the intent of all women based on how a given action is perceived by me.

"Could it be that women know a little more about being called "sweetie" etc. by strange men than you do?"

It could be, in fact it's certain, that you know a lot more about how it feels to be called that, but could it also not be true that men know more about what they are thinking when they say it?

Where's the common sense here? Whether "sweetie" is offensive is entirely situational. Men can use it in the "don't worry your pretty head about it" way. Of course, it's often used in a mildly flirtatious/friendly way too. I can't go eat without a waitress calling me 'sweetie'. And I usually return the favor by calling her 'doll'...When I lived in LA everyone said 'babe'. If I, as a black man, got upset everytime some white man called me "bro", I'd have had an aneurysm years ago. So the question, really, is do you believe Obama was trying to be condescending? In my experience I've yet to see a politician condescending to the press. Usually they're all puckered up.

I live in the south and there are terms that people use that don't necessarily come with being talked down to. Women will say these types of things to one another as well, not just man-ti-woman.. I say "sweetheart" if I talk to a child, regardless of gender.

I think in this instance it was disrespectful because he blew her off and ended up not even answering her question. I thought her summary was great :)

He did apologize and maybe he will be more aware next time?

To piggyback off of what Bethany said, it makes a big difference to me that Obama called the reporter perosnally to apologize and recognizes the problem with what he did. In my opinion, feminism works best when we hold people accountable for actions like this get them to think critcally about them. I think that is what the article does. If we go a step further and write people off as totally sexist for things like this, our tent gets a lot smaller.

I agree, AP. While I wish he hadn't been so dismissive in the first place, I think he provided a good example of realizing a mistake and apologizing instead of getting all defensive.

AP-

the "critical thinking" part is the hardest! It is so hard to explain to some people why this type of language is bad. Some people just cannot understand, and write it off as "sensitive" or "over-emotional" women.

"I do it sometimes with all kinds of people."

Did this strike a bit of an odd note with anyone else? What "kinds" of people? If he calls men "sweetie", I'd be surprised, but I would think that it casts this incident in a somewhat different light.

LogrusZed: intent matters, but it isn't the only thing that matters. If a man doesn't *mean* to be condescending by calling a woman "sweetie", but it just so happens that he would never think to use a diminutive, overly-familiar term to address a man, then it's still sexist.

I do think it's a good sign that Obama apologized, and (mostly) didn't try to defend it. It's good to see somebody in public life say "I screwed up, I'm sorry."

Sorry, that should be: "to address a man he doesn't know."

Jen R:

"Did this strike a bit of an odd note with anyone else? ..."

I just read that to mean he uses familiar terms with people often.

"LogrusZed: intent matters, but it isn't the only thing that matters. If a man doesn't *mean* to be condescending by calling a woman "sweetie", but it just so happens that he would never think to use a diminutive, overly-familiar term to address a man, then it's still sexist."

I get where you're coming from, and as I said in my post my own personal use of them in a given situation is based on my own experience with it working to my benefit. Now, in a way, that can be seen as a general negative in terms of gaging how our society works; but for me it has immediate and measurable benefits.

Because I benefit from a circumstance which is, I believe, more indicative than causative does not preclude my awareness of the negative aspect of said circumstance.

Perhaps when I actually get employment in a field in which I'm not rewarded for such behavior (or compensated normally to a degree which makes this option less proportionately a part of my income) then I'll cease. As it is I'm like the person who, due to finances and responsibility to others, is forced to shop at Wal-Mart despite knowing that there are a lot of jacked up aspects to how Wal-Mart does business.

But you are doing so when you state unequivocal notions that each and every time a male uses said language they are doing so in order to talk down to a woman. is/are != might/may be or even "probably is".

That is precisely not what I said. I didn't refer to all men, or even all men who use inappropriate endearments, but all of the men who have done so with me.

It doesn't take an empath to hear what someone is saying, nor does it take a psychic to know when one is being talked down to.

You see, there's a little something called actually reading what is written. When someone writes something, and you want to understand it, it helps to actually look at the words that are written down on the page, rather than to skip over them and make up whatever version seems most easily dismissed in your own mind. Once you read (or listen to) what someone has said, you may find you have a totally different understanding of their point than the one you came up with using only your imagination.

Reading is good!

Now, tell me, do you have any trouble with characterising that last bit as condescending?

Because what I'm talking about is no more ambiguous than that.

LogrusZed, I've also never really experienced being called something like "sweetie" in a professional environment or by a strange man where it didn't seem terribly condescending and patronizing. (And if you flirted with me and called me sweetie while waiting on me, it certainly wouldn't help your tip - but then, I'm not straight.)

Maybe you should just accept that many women find it unacceptable, and stop trying to defend the behavior?

Also, for the record, I also live in the South (and have my entire life). It is true that being called terms of endearment by complete strangers isn't too uncommon down here (especially in rural areas). But from what I've seen, men still don't call men "sweetie" (unless they are both gay, that is).

However, even in the South, it *still* doesn't happen routinely in professional settings (though it happens more often than I'd like). If I had a manager dismissively calling me "sweetie" whenever I spoke up in meetings, you can be darn certain I'd be pissed as hell. Some things aren't different, even in the South.

Men entering politics should be chemically castrated and go through extensive conditioning before their party allows them to run for office. It would reduce these sort of incidents and drive men away from politics; both noble goals in my opinion. And if there was any group of men to test such techniques on before moving onto the general population, it'd be politicians.

I don't pretend to know what goes on in Barack Obama's head. I do know that I call people most intimate to me "sweetie" and sometimes it slips out and I call someone I'm not so intimate with "sweetie."

It says nothing about how I view that person, or that I'm saying something that's been passed to me culturally. It simply was a word that slipped out in a moment of connection or friendliness. Sometimes the brain moves slower than the vocal cords.

You wait, as you get older, it will happen to you too. And Barack Obama is older than me, and under a lot of stress campaigning, and especially working on feeling *connected* to people. Would that not explain such a slip, and not some ingrained sexism?

I imagine he calls his wife and his adorable girls sweetie. It's a word he would use to address them a lot. He's addressing someone. The word slips out. I've done the same, doesn't matter the gender. It happens more often as I get older.

sheesh.

I don't pretend to know what goes on in Barack Obama's head. I do know that I call people most intimate to me "sweetie" and sometimes it slips out and I call someone I'm not so intimate with "sweetie."

It says nothing about how I view that person, or that I'm saying something that's been passed to me culturally. It simply was a word that slipped out in a moment of connection or friendliness. Sometimes the brain moves slower than the vocal cords.

You wait, as you get older, it will happen to you too. And Barack Obama is older than me, and under a lot of stress campaigning, and especially working on feeling *connected* to people. Would that not explain such a slip, and not some ingrained sexism?

I imagine he calls his wife and his adorable girls sweetie. It's a word he would use to address them a lot. He's addressing someone. The word slips out. I've done the same, doesn't matter the gender. It happens more often as I get older.

sheesh.

I don't pretend to know what goes on in Barack Obama's head. I do know that I call people most intimate to me "sweetie" and sometimes it slips out and I call someone I'm not so intimate with "sweetie."

It says nothing about how I view that person, or that I'm saying something that's been passed to me culturally. It simply was a word that slipped out in a moment of connection or friendliness. Sometimes the brain moves slower than the vocal cords.

You wait, as you get older, it will happen to you too. And Barack Obama is older than me, and under a lot of stress campaigning, and especially working on feeling *connected* to people. Would that not explain such a slip, and not some ingrained sexism?

I imagine he calls his wife and his adorable girls sweetie. It's a word he would use to address them a lot. He's addressing someone. The word slips out. I've done the same, doesn't matter the gender. It happens more often as I get older.

sheesh.

This doesn't seem to be a problem to me. At worst, Obama has fallen into a habit of using overly familiar endearments when he shouldn't, is aware of this problem, has offered a sincere and appropriate apology, and is trying to break the habit. And that's at worst, which I don't think it's fair to assume. My dad has always used "sweetie" and other endearments with my sister and me, as well as with our mom, and on occasion it just slips out with someone else. These things happen sometimes, like calling one good friend by another's name.

As for cultural context... I've lived in parts of the South where those endearments are used almost automatically, as a sign of friendliness. I've also lived in the north of England, and I can tell you plenty of women there and in Scotland would assume some hostility on the part of any non-familiar man who didn't address her as "luv."

If Clinton "slipped" and called a reporter "darling", wouldn't most people would assume she was either being really condescending or a complete nutter?

When I first saw this video, my skin crawled, and I remembered every single time a man used a word like "sweetie" to let me know just how insignificant I am.

Most people seem to be taking his apology at face value, but , to me at least, it makes his comment even worse.

"Duly chastened"? Has anyone ever used that without being sarcastic and smarmy? The nature of his apology is one of completely unexamined male privilege. He seems to be sorry for the bad press, but not his participation in a practice that demeans women.

As someone mentioned above, he said that he does it with "all sorts of people," but I bet he's never dismissed an adult male with a word like "sweetie."

(Cross-posted)

This is ridiculous. I refer to people all the time using the phrase "baby" or "babes" , whether man or woman. ( An example : " Looks like its gonna be a hot one out there today, babes" addressed to everyone in the the room.Its just a figure of speech. An older woman at work use to greet me (and everyone else) with the phrase " How ya doin, hon?"

Was she being sexist?

Lets have a rule: only people who ACT sexist are sexist .Using pet names like " babe", "sweetie" or "honey" shouldn't be considered sexist unless the person , you know, actually DOES things that are sexist: deny promotions , slander people, try to extort sexual favors, and the like. Lets save outrage for behavior thats actually outrageous.

Newsflash to those who weren't previously aware: using 'sweetheart' in a professional setting is inappropriate. It diminishes the person to whom you are speaking.

Maybe it's a good thing this came up since so many people may be learning this concept for the first time. You may be interested to know that a certain percentage of the people you call sweetheart are very angered by it. All of those endearments (hon, babe, babes, sweetheart) may be very charming in your private life. In a professional setting though? Use professional language. Not too hard, eh?

Why wouldn't I expect condescension and sexism from Obama? The entire tone of his campaign against Senator Clinton has reeked of sexism.
It well appears that too many women I thought were feminist have been suckered into supporting some one who offers nothing but the same old, same old misogyny.

Pity we could have had the option of voting for a woman but now it appears we with have a choice of the conservative white misogynist or the liberal black misogynist.

For the record, I hate it. I hate being called sweetie, honey, darling, beautiful, etc, by men I know only in a professional capacity (my boyfriend can call me anything he wants).

I work in a male dominated field and so I generally put up with it. Sometimes I will try reminding the person of my name, as if they are calling me sweetie because they can't remember my given name. The idea is that it keeps people from getting defensive and saves me from having to give a lecture that will likely fall on deaf ears.

I've been known to call my friends sweetie, darling, sexy, and the like, but it has never once occurred to me to refer to any of my colleagues that way. I call them by their given names, or in some cases, their titles (I do some work on ships, where it's appropriate to call the captain "captain").

I'm only bothered by being called a "pet name" when the person's tone is lascivious or they're leering. Maybe I'm not bothered because I call practically everyone "hon" or "dear". I don't think it's particularly appropriate in a professional setting, regardless of how friendly the environment, nor do I think Mr. Obama is a raging sexist.

Stonetool, I think you are way off base on this one. Words have meanings. When someone says something sexist or racist or other 'ist,' they are contributing to the problem of sexism, etc.

When someone is so comfortable throwing around sexist language and then smirking with the boys about it, as Obama did, and then gives a ridiculous and smarmy nonpology, as Obama did, then I am inclined to think that such a person IS a sexist.

The words we say and how we say them contribute very much to an atmosphere that strengthens and promotes misogyny and patriarchy. When these things are condoned, then the atmosphere allows for a rape culture, for violence against women, and for demeaning women to a point that they no longer deserved to be treated as humans.

Obama would do well to examine his male privilege and stop trying to actively alienate women who are quite rightfully offended at his terms of endearment.

Thanks, Feministing, for including this in your blog.

I actually find his slip up really troubling. Is it so difficult for him to use the very common "Ma'am" or even "Miss" to address women whose names he does not know?

I also found his response to be a bit double-sided - while he apologized, he also seemed to justify it, as the habit he uses "with all kinds of people." It didn't seem to me to indicate that he planned to stop using that term any time soon. If that were the case, I think he would say straight out - "I will not use that term anymore."

Let us look a bit at "sweetiegate", and the article by Marie Coco.

The moment a comparison is made between racism and misogyny we get calls of "oppression olympics" -- even when the comparisons are valid.

That seems to make misogyny something that stands alone, is a "part of our culture", and is only a "little mistake".

So, the systematic crushing of female aspirations (usually after College) just doesn't count.

To me "sweetie" is no different from "boy" - after all, the use of that word when referring to Mr. Obama was also "defended".

It's time for women to wake up.

Oh, come off it!

Guess what? Waitresses routinely call me "hon," in a "sexist" way -- because they don't refer to the females with me using that word. And guess what? Some of them even flirt with me, without ANY prompting on my part. The point is that some "sexism" is so clearly inconsequential that it to make a big deal out of it is not merely constipated but evinces a some other motivation -- here, it's frankly political.

If we want to eradicate sexism, we need to pick topics that reasonable people will understand as being sexist.

Guess what? Waitresses routinely call me "hon," in a "sexist" way

Guess what? Wait staff aren't in a position of relative power, and they aren't using the term in an inherently dismissive and patronizing way. If you can't see the difference, I'm afraid I can't help you.

They also aren't running for elective office - and if a wait person is more friendly with me than I'm comfortable with, I always have the option of deducting it from their tip.

If we want to eradicate sexism, we need to pick topics that reasonable people will understand as being sexist.

I see. So anyone that disagrees with your viewpoint is unreasonable, and we are only allowed to criticize sexism that is already univerally recognized as sexist?

Interesting.... Wait, no.

I knew this thread would be full of Obama apologists insisting that there's nothing wrong with calling a woman "sweetie" in a professional setting.

Obama is not from the South.
The reporter is not his daughter or his wife.
Whether he intended to speak down to her or not, HE DID. Context matters. He wasn't calling her "sweetie" in an affectionate manner; he was dodging a question from her.

I actually find his slip up really troubling. Is it so difficult for him to use the very common "Ma'am" or even "Miss" to address women whose names he does not know?

Does he have to call all men "Sir," too? Ew.

I'm glad he apologized, anyway.

Thanks SarahMC,

I second /everything/ you said.

And add me to the list of people who hate being called "sweetie". (In my experience, being called "hon" often doesn't have the same connotation, and is not therefore directly comparable.) I hate being called "sweetie" by older men (I grew up in the south). I have been called "sweetie" condescendingly plenty. I think even when my dad calls me "sweetie" there's a bit of sexism there, as he is a bit of a stereotypical patriarch. Heck, even when I was casually dating a guy I liked I got a bit annoyed when he said a waitress gave me a free drink b/c "I was so sweet" (b/c in the context, I'm fairly sure he was BSing to try and flatter me, and "sweet" does have all these "young, innocent" kind of connotations, which given that he was older than me was not how I was hoping he saw me.

What does he mean "all kinds of people"? Men? I doubt it very much.

It's all about context. In this case, he used it in a situation where he was dismissing her. It was *clearly* condescending and dismissive. It was very clearly a case of "Shhh honey. The men are talking now."

I'm *not* impressed. I won't be voting for anyone in Nov., so that makes no difference to me there, but I'd be seriously annoyed if I had been planning to vote for him.

I'm really surprised at a lot of the responses here. How many times has Obama himself spoken about how words matter? His "just words" speech, anyone?

I don't care what you say among your family and friends--it's irrelevant. As many others have pointed out, this was a professional setting with a significant power imbalance. His excuse that he uses such terms with everyone doesn't fly; I would pay to see him call Chris Matthews or Bill O'Reilly "sweetie."

Bottom line: It was sexist. And it may not seem like a huge deal, but it does contribute to sexism and therefore it needs to be addressed.

on the “sweetie� thing: i am a big obama supporter, and i cringed myself when i read about this incident, and it made me feel even worse when i found out it was not the first time.
however, i give obama big points for calling himself and apologizing. it is precisely his style that he acknowledges what he does wrong and takes responsibility. i think that obama calling it a bad habit signified that he honestly did not mean to make that remark. it was a mistake, and he does not intend to make that same mistake in the future. it was not premeditated, as some disgusting behavior on the campaign has been, by his competitors. his remark about being “duly chastened� recognized that he was in the wrong. his chastening was due, and now he can repent, as it were.

i am getting honestly frightened that feminists are finding as much material as possible to not vote for a good (not perfect) democratic candidate this fall. i am feeling terrified that we are gonna elect mccain. obama is not perfect, but he is far better than the “lesser of two evils.� i can’t believe that we will choose to elect a man who called his wife a “cunt� over a man who accidentally called a reporter “sweetie.� i can’t believe we will allow the media and the GOP to snooker us into voting against our best instincts. hell no.
please do not let this happen.

Umm... I call everyone I know fairly well, regardless of gender, "sweetie", "sweetheart", and "hun".

But it's all about context. It seems condescending in that instance.

Maybe I should stop saying it?

Probably.

I'm sure you mean no disrespect. As I'm sure Obama doesn't, nor do most of the people who use these diminutive names.

But that's how they sound.

To me it sounds like an implication that women are supposed to be docile, polite, nice little girls. Which makes me gag. Especially since generally I'm none of those things. And towards men it could sound like you're trying to flirt or sweet-talk, which, double standard-y and backward as it may be, will make whatever you are trying to say seem less respectable. I'm not saying that's RIGHT, I'm just saying how it seems to be.

I personally hate being called such names (by strangers or casual acquaintances, at least).

i am getting honestly frightened that feminists are finding as much material as possible to not vote for a good (not perfect) democratic candidate this fall

I don't think that's what anyone is trying to do. If I were a betting woman I'd bet that 99.9% of people here will vote for the Democrat no matter WHO it is. And either possibility is a million times better than "lesser of two evils" even with the flaws/quirks/imperfections that both have.

And certainly "sweetie" is a better choice than "cunt," especially if you look at the context in each one was said.

As a feminist I never thought I would live to see not only a woman as a credible candidate but a woman who is the best candidate I have ever had the joy of supporting for President and my first Presidential election was in 1968.

On the one hand I have been sickened and disgusted by the misogyny directed towards her. But at the same time it has provided me with one "click" moment after another and I have had my consciousness reawakened to the fact that woman hating is the commonest form of oppression so ubiquitous as to cause me to think it is the universal male attitude towards women.

It has refreshed my memory regarding the radical feminist slogan, "Feminism is the theory, lesbianism is the practice."

I will "Yellow Dog for Obama, but all he will ever be for me is a neo-liberal neo-con Republicrat and the lesser of two evils.

First time feministing post yayyy!!

"I don't think that's what anyone is trying to do. If I were a betting woman I'd bet that 99.9% of people here will vote for the Democrat no matter WHO it is. And either possibility is a million times better than "lesser of two evils" even with the flaws/quirks/imperfections that both have."

Amen. I'm still worried about November's prospects, however, since the 99.9 percent referenced are most-likely well informed, educated, and (lets face it) hyper-progressive young men and women.

It's astounding (less so if you're in-tune with the general cultural makeup of these United States) to see the number of folks who just wouldn't touch Obama if he got nominated. And I'm referring to lifelong democrats, most of whom are aware that Obama's policies vastly overlap Clinton's.

The reason?

There's a lot of speculation in the news media, but my guess isn't nearly as clean and proper as CNN's.

I found this story today on realnews.com. It's recommended but not required viewing to understand my point.

It's West Virginia, I know, but I think the problem is not limited to within the state's boundaries.

Kind of depressing, a little eye-opening.

http://therealnews.com/t/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=31&Itemid=74&jumival=1507

"I will "Yellow Dog for Obama, but all he will ever be for me is a neo-liberal neo-con Republicrat and the lesser of two evils."

Ummmm... I must disagree on that point. After quite a bit of research on the candidate and the person, I am of the strong belief that Barack Obama is the furthest thing from a pawn or an "average politician" that the U.S. has seen in a generation.

What makes me think this? A number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the strongest and most independent-minded influences in his life have been women; His mother and his wife.

Reading about her life and how she influenced Barack inspired and reignited my core belief that Obama is an actual good person (running for public office? Shocking!!)

Liza, I implore you to read the NYTimes article on Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro. Maybe you'll reconsider your stance on Obama. All I ask is for an open heart and an open mind.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/14/us/politics/14obama.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Ahh, proofreading. His mother is who the article references, not his wife (who is also awesome, by the way)

"All I ask is for an open heart and an open mind."

I have listen to him. I find him to be shallow and basically a con artist.

The ONLY reason I will vote for him is because he is the lesser of two evils.

I thought him to be the weakest candidate to start with and nothing I have heard from or about him has changed my mind.

I want Universal Health care and I want Public Schools and Government Social Security.

Obama comes up short on almost every single core Democratic value.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke64670GkZ8

Wow!! Obama is awesome!!! He is so shrewd. In a split second he recognizes that the actual sexism and racism in the scene is that he can't confront the rude reporter. The "angry black male" and "picking on girls" theme would get targeted by his political enemies. So what does he do? He calls her "sweetie" (I know what he was really thinking) thus belittling and halting the stalking reporter all while grabbing more mid western blue collar votes. Obama in 08, baby! Damn you're good.

"Obama is awesome, etc., etc., etc." ----- In other words he is nothing more than a good politician, something we haven't seen for a while.

He is not "magical" -- he's just another political con man who will disappoint, and disillusion his "acolytes".

Though I will vote for him (as the lesser of two evils), I'm afraid his neo-liberal stance on health care, social security, etc., will just lead to more inequality, more problems, and a return to the repressive-Republicans after one failed term.

Obama's against privatization of Social Security. He's proposed lifting the earnings cap which is about 100,000. Clinton has nothing. She has the gall to blow smoke about "bipartisan commission" and "fiscal responsibility". Easy for her to avoid talking about the earnings cap since she says nothing.

Now I agree with her that in certain times and places 100,000 $ isn't exactly upper class but it's still a chunk of change and Obama's hardly a non-democrat for his proposal.

"Bipartisan commission" that's a con if I ever hear d one. That's a nothing.

While I do find it irritating that he said it, I also don't find it helpful to jump on every slip up men make as long as they realize it, and are open to working on it. So if he was open to hearing the general complaint about it, acknowledged it and was ready to try to do better than I am alright with that. Also, what are the chances McCain, or any well known Republican would have apologized personally and acknowledged the mistake publicly. Bush probably would have laughed at it publicly.

I do think it is neccessary to acknowledge these things when they happen. But I also think we need to urge the people to work on them instead of only chastizing. If we want men *and* women to take these problems more seriously, then we have to make them understand the problem, not just let them know that we will get mad about it.

I am also open to the idea of it being something to work on since the man lives with three women. My grandfather who I grew up living with, was the only man in a house with 5 women. When I would see him out in a situation where he was talking to a woman, say a big party, he would sometimes call people by our actual names, not even stuff like sweetie, if they were close in age to one of us. If he were the father of 5 boys, I admit it would make me more upset. But because it is a normal thing to say to someone you are very close with, I try to extend the benefit of the doubt. And the women with whom he lives show no signs of not being respected.

Liza, I implore you to read the NYTimes article on Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro. Maybe you'll reconsider your stance on Obama. All I ask is for an open heart and an open mind.

I read that when it was printed.

But I think you meant to point that at DallasSuz. The user name is listed under the comment.

Besides being sexist (does he call any males "sweetie"?), this is simply too familiar a term to be professional with anyone! The President of the US is an office in the spotlight of the world, and he should know better than to be so terribly informal.

I'm an Obama supporter, however, intentional or not, calling a woman "sweetie" in a professional setting is patronizing. I've lobbied representatives and presented well researched, articulate, serious arguments for legislation and it's frustrating to be winked at by a sleazy staffer and told that "he'll consider it." It's even more frustrating when people have the Noah mindset and dismiss critiques of this sexist behavior as insignificant and unreasonable.

Do I think that a calling reporter sweetie makes Obama a bad candidate? No, but I think it's a behavior he needs to realize is a product of male privilege and something he needs to fix. Do I think that this kind of sexism is so entrenched and ingrained in society that even to talk about it makes you nit picky and unreasonable? Yes, and it's disturbing.

i fully support obama, but this was pretty cringe-worthy.

as far as how he handled it though, i'm fairly satisfied. i can't expect a candidate to be perfect, but i can expect him to recognize when he's doing something wrong, to apologize for it and to work on correcting it.
i believe that he didn't mean to be disrespectful, but as rebecca traister put it so well, that doesn't mean it isn't still sexist or demeaning.

i spent most of my formative years in the south and it is very common for people of both sexes to refer to others as "sweetie" or "hon" or some similar epithet so i am accustomed to it enough that i can generally ignore it, even if it doesn't sit well with me. in a professional setting, however, it's totally inappropriate and if anyone at my workplace EVER called me that, i would be offended.

I wouldn't like it if someone said it to me. But he's got two young kids - maybe he uses it with them a lot and it just comes out by mistake sometime. I have a cat I call "sweetie" too - hopefully I won't slip and use it with someone else someday!

1. Tell everyone the truth, I am trying REALLY hard to feel okay about voting for him come November should the need present itself and, in a time when many of us who have long supported Senator Clinton are now facing very very serious questions about "doing what is best" for the Democratic party, this is not a welcome comment. I could not, in fact, think of a worst time when these "sweetie" verbal blunderings could have made themselves public.

2. I have a question for folks: what has been the media coverage on this thus far? How extensive has it been?

Maybe it's because I don't find the word "sweetie" insulting, but I do find the coverage given to this non-issue insulting. This is right up there with lapel pins and necklines.
If we are going to debate this, what about food service workers (men and women) who refer to customers as hon, or honey?
I sense that it's okay for a waitress to refer to customers as honey but it wouldn't be okay for a waiter. I think this says more about us than the people, Senator Obama included, who use these terms.

"If we are going to debate this, what about food service workers (men and women) who refer to customers as hon, or honey?
I sense that it's okay for a waitress to refer to customers as honey but it wouldn't be okay for a waiter."

If you had read above you would have noticed that this line of thinking came up. You would have noticed that those of us who feel this comment was inappropriate from Obama, feel that is the case b/c of the power imbalance. A waiter (or waitress) does not have power over you, in the same way that a boss, older male customer, older male acquaintance, or politician does...

I HATE when people call me such things. I hate it from men AND women. Please, stop using those expressions. These comments have validated my own views and I feel empowered to stop people from saying it to me. I will no longer tolerate such condescending words. It is obvious to me that Obama was condescending.

I believe that no man can really understand what it means to be a woman on this planet, no matter how big of a feminist he is. Most men's responses are that it's no big deal to call a grown-up woman and a stranger a "sweetie." So it goes. You'll never know until you walk in her shoes (how about high-heels?!).

I am disgusted by this unbelievable double standard everywhere I look. I wish there was a planet or country that would be based on equality. I'd move there in an instant.

I haven't been reading this blog for a while but I have noticed a huge difference in tone of the comments. I don't see very many Hillary supporters anymore. I imagine, we have been marginalized and insulted over and over again and who wants to spend waking moments being a target of hateful Obama supporters? I am surprised though, I thought a feminist blog would do better than that. I regret donating money a few months back.

Let's take a moment to observe the marvel we have before us: a political leader apologized for anti-feminist behavior. He recognizes the problem and believes that being chastised about it is entirely appropriate. We can argue until we're blue in the face about whether or not "sweetie" is acceptable language, and I think that in the end we will all agree that it is not. It would be one thing to ream him if Sen. Obama had defended his use of the word, but he did not. He receded. I don't believe I have ever heard a male politician, especially one in the limelight, genuinely apologize for an anti-feminist comment. So sure, discus the use of the word, shout from the mountain tops about how very sexist it is, but also give credit where it is due. The guy is on our side.