I want to buy that book for every single person in my family. :)

I am going to have to get this book! I'm 26 and single, and while I've had, oh, two serious boyfriends, they didn't last more than 3 years combined, and as a rule I'm generally single. And I am MUCH happier single than in a relationship, and yet even I feel the pressure of needing to pair up with someone, and I hate it. People always seem so surprised that as a 26 year old woman, I have no desire to marry or have kids, and am single, live on my own, and am not in a huge hurry to pair up. Sigh.

Every single person...good one atheistwoman...

I think there is a stigma in corporations on the single woman. When you climb the promotion ladder, some places try to be friendly by having family days or spouse dinners. When layoffs occur, as they are where I'm working now, it's assumed that the single woman doesn't "need the job as bad." While a guy with a stay at home wife "needs the job more." It's a strange sort of male socialism that kicks in with sexist Biblical conservatives, who are anti-socialists for everyone else.

When people talk about the marriage penalty tax, let me explain how insulting it is to single people. Let's say I have two jobs - which I do. One job earns, say, 75,000, one job earns me only 8,000 a year. I'll be taxed at 82,000, because, as a household, I have access to ALL of that money. Married people want to argue that they are different. A spouse that is earning 8,000 should only pay taxes on 8,000 annual earnings rate. They are arguing they aren't a household and don't have access to the money their spouse earns. While I should pay full taxes on every job I have for the year.

There is a single bias, particularly as you climb the ladder. I don't know in the race for the worst bias, whether it is worse than sexism - I think that anything that is against the view that women should be in submissive marriages and the natural and right woman is a stay at home mom faces the brunt of society's judgment.

atheistwoman: (every single) person, or every (single person)? I think (every single) person could do with reading it in order to reexamine how they judge non-partnered people.

"DePaulo writes, with great humor, about the sad face and sigh that people give single people—especially ladies—when they hear the oh so sad news that they haven’t coupled."

After my first year of college, I ended up going out with a couple of my high school classmates and my two drama teachers from high school after watching my brother's school play. While we told our former teachers about our first year away at college, one of the teachers asked if I was seeing anyone. I said no, that I was still single. "You should get yourself out there!" she said.
It still bothers me to this day that I got myself into a good school, did well, and my former teacher's main concern was that I should find myself a man.

Which, as I approach graduation in May, I still haven't done.

Put two and two together here, folks: we have a post discussing the "child-man" trend, and another post pointing out that many people nowadays are single. For me, that's not a coincidence: many of the men my age (late 20s) that I've gotten to know still exhibit many "child-man" symptoms. They're okay to date, but I sure don't want to live with one of 'em.

Nearly all of my friends are married, and all of them complain about their unequal share of housework, child rearing and just plain adult responsibilities. All of these women work full-time outside of the home, just like their husbands. One friend does all the housework and lawn work because her husband is preoccupied with his "garage" projects (i.e., tinkering with cars). Another must physically hand her husband a cash allowance each week because he spends thousands on unnecessary credit card purchases if he has one in his pocket. This is not my idea of a partnership, so I'm going to wait until I find a grown-up man to pair up with.

I'm a freshman in college and I had a boyfriend for about 4 months, ending about a month ago. Although he was a great guy, I honestly ended up feeling like I wanted to spend more time with my friends than him (there were other factors in our break up.)
The funny thing is, I didn't really date in high school, but I always sort of wanted to. I felt like I would be happy in a relationship, happier than I was without one. But I ended up valuing my independence too much, and my time with my friends and my freedom, for a relationship right now.
Obviously I haven't felt much pressure to "couple" at my young age, but I certainly see it in our society. I was asked throughout high school, by people I didn't know very well, if I had a boyfriend. I'd always reply "no" somewhat regretfully. Funnily enough, i'm happier than every to be single. Although I certainly want to get married someday, I can completely understand why others choose to remain single their whole lives. And there shouldn't be anything wrong with that.

sorry about the confusion, I meant each person in my family (whatever their couple status). They are constantly checking in on my relationship status. I am not blaming them as it is just what this society does, but fielding their questions can be a bit tiring. Sweetwickedgrl, you make me feel almost normative. I am in college and not dating (gasp).

For those women and all the other men and women who hold such a worldview, women can earn full faith and credit for their lives…singlism holds out no such place for people who are single.

I'm not buying this. The biggest part of coupling pressure is on women, and it's women who suffer the greatest social stigma from being single. Single men have always been able to earn full faith and credit for their lives.

Ooh this looks like a totally interesting book and one that I will add to my 'to check out' list.

The subject matter is fascinating to me. I am currently partnered but don't expect to be for my life nor do I want to be! The issues around having a healthy relationship with family, friends, and community is one that I am currently struggling with as I am quite isolated at the moment. It is causing me to seriously consider moving to London, where I have a whole host of friends, the indie pop community, as well as a bunch of socialist-leaning comrades. I strongly believe that I would feel and fit in better amongst my friends there.

I cringe every time my dad introduces my partner or uses certain words to describe him or our relationship. My partner and I know that we don't buy into this lifelong, monogamous, strict definition of a relationship, but my dad just doesn't get it. I am hugely uncomfortable fitting someone's mold, someone's statistic, someone's heteronormative definition.

So thanks for the book review and I can't wait to read the book!

Ladies of Feministing, would it be possible to create a list of all the Not Oprah's Book Club? I think all these selections look AMAZING. Having a full list in one place would be great.

Agreed with jennamahree. Hopefully this sort of list will be on the new Feministing forum. As well as a thread to always be able to discuss issues like being single and society's pressure and expectations. :-)

I'm a lesbian in a small, conservative town, and I choose not to be out to everyone. Most of my co-workers were married at obscenely young ages (in my opinion--I just can't see my eighteen-year-old self being a wife and mother) and most of them act like I have a fatal disease when I say I'm single. I've been offered numerous dates with sons, cousins, boyfriend's friends, etc. I'm only twenty-three and it sometimes gets really frustrating that all these people assume a) I want to be partnered, b) I want to be partnered with a man, and c) I'm getting too old and must partner NOW or lose my chance at love forever.

Agreed with jennamahree. Hopefully this sort of list will be on the new Feministing forum. As well as a thread to always be able to discuss issues like being single and society's pressure and expectations. :-)

Agreed with jennamahree. Hopefully this sort of list will be on the new Feministing forum. As well as a thread to always be able to discuss issues like being single and society's pressure and expectations. :-)

One of the other benefits to being married that no one ever talks about comes with company-sponsored health insurance plans. Where I worked, if you were single, you choose a plan and that's it. If you were married and were on your spouse's plan that s/he had at his/her job, you could also choose a plan offered by my employer as a secondary plan. That plan would kick in as soon as the benefits for the primary (spouse's) plan ran out. So instead of having, say, 40 therapy visits a year, you'd potentially have 80. Or if you had an 80% reimbursement rate for a procedure on one plan, the other would kick in to pay the rest.

I asked if I could sign up for one company plan as my primary and then another as my secondary from the same company, since it was possible for married people to get two health plans from two different companies. Of course, I was told, "No, we don't do that. It would cost the company too much money."

So we single people get to pay more if we get sick or want preventive health services. And that's WITH health insurance. (Don't get me started on what it costs without health insurance).

So yeah, the world's smallest violin plays when I hear married people complain about the 'marriage penalty' tax.

"So yeah, the world's smallest violin plays when I hear married people complain about the 'marriage penalty' tax."

Especially since they, as heterosexual couples, have the privilege of actually BEING married.

Jessica F, in response to part C. Such people are under the impression that a woman's sexuality has a sell-by-date. Anyone who has passed the sell-by-date is iiicky and has to be chucked, much like old yogurt.(which is why singledom disturbs them so much). Unfortunately these same people are also under the impression that men are like wine... some men themselves are under this impression. Which is why they feel it is a horrid thing when an older woman goes for a younger man, but not the other way around.(obviously I am oversimplifying and stereotyping here)

It always irritated me when I was younger and people would say, "Oh, when you get married and have kids..." I was like, "When? More like IF." It irked me that they assumed that I would get married. I feel like I want kids (for now at least, about half a year ago I was sure I would never want any) but I'm not so sure about marriage yet.

Recently my mom ran into my first grade teacher, a woman whose passion and creativity totally inspired me at a young age.

Her only question for my mother about my brother and me? If we had found spouses yet. Good to know her priorities are in check!

*sigh* aaames, isn't that always the case? The same thing has happened to my mom a couple times. She goes to the pre-Christmas craft fair and fundraiser at my old high school so she runs into the parents of my former classmates and some of my teachers. That is the question that's always asked first and foremost. Not what I have done (with work, with school, with volunteering, with my hobbies [like starting a dance night]) or where I have been (interesting travel, a big city move). Those things define me much more than a having a partner does.

I've read it and this is a really good book, thanks to Courtney for giving it a shout out.

String_Bean_Jen - Yes, EXACTLY! Even if I did have a spouse or boyfriend or something, it wouldn't be the defining detail of my life. Like you, I did a big city move, which is a pretty big deal. I also have a fancy-sounding job, am aiming to start on my M.A. soon, and have millions of hobbies and friends and an awesome puppy. Yet it's alllllll about gettin' hitched. Argh!

Can I say again how much I love my mother? When I finished my PhD last May, she threw a wedding-reception-style banquet for me and invited all the family and friends she could think of. Why? Because she rocks and values the right things.

"Especially since they, as heterosexual couples, have the privilege of actually BEING married."

Exactly. I'm single because I don't want to get married. So when people act weirded out by it, I'm annoyed.

But it pisses me off immensely that there are people who want to get married and can't.

eh, people ask you if youve met anyone or ask about you in that way because it is one of the touchstones of a lot of peoples lives. perhaps not a major one but its one of the easiest go to questions for chit chat.

I married young but was extremely lucky in that my husband has his own independent life and isnt clingy. As noted above a lot of my friends are married and have a kid, the kid being their husband.

Good timing. My uncle's wife asked me the other day if I was seeing anyone and when I said no and made a face, she got all sympathetic and told me 'don't worry, you'll find someone! There's a special someone out there for everyone.'

I love the assumption that I am looking or somehow upset about being single. I told her that I wasn't looking, so if that 'special someone' came along, they could just keep on going because they don't have anything I want.

I'm a substitute teacher, so the kids generally ask me 'are you married/do you have kids?'. They always get this bumfuzzled look on their face when I tell them I don't want to be married and I prefer cats to kids. :) It's quite entertaining, from my point of view.

eh, people ask you if youve met anyone or ask about you in that way because it is one of the touchstones of a lot of peoples lives. perhaps not a major one but its one of the easiest go to questions for chit chat.

I always think we undervalue singledom. Relationships are something that develop, you don't know when you'll end up in a relationship: you could end up monogamous a month from now! Value your freedom, your autonomy, the ability to pick up and move if you want to without taking another person's life into consideration.

It's not always as simple as that of course, but I don't see why coupling is so highly valued. Relationships are valuable in life, but they needn't be romantic

Ugh...at my work's annual holiday dinner you are invited with "your significant other" rather than with a date or a guest. It's so fucking frustrating and when I complain about it everyone acts like I'm just nitpicking. They say, "Well, you can define what significant means. If you think your roommate Mike is significant to you, then bring him." But when the boss rolls around to get a final count of how many people are coming he doesn't say "Will you be bringing a guest?" to me, he says "You're not bringing anyone, are you?"