More proof that the only emotion we're comfortable with men showing is anger, I suppose.

My father's always cried quite openly around my sister and me [23 and 20, respectively] since before I can remember. Many of my friends find this very strange, but it's certainly made me more comfortable with most any emotion that someone presents to me.

I don't get the big deal about men--or anyone--crying. its an emotion. everyone has 'em. I like the photography. It's really amazing.

BWrites: "More proof that the only emotion we're comfortable with men showing is anger, I suppose."

Ugh. It's sickening, right? I never really thought about it like that. But god forbid a woman show anger!!!!!

I'm uncomfortable with men crying, but not because I think it makes them "pussies."

See, my dad was a cop and when you're a little girl (and a daddy's girl at that), you think that makes him Superman. But when I was in elementary school, my folks were going to get a divorce (they didn't), and the very first time I ever saw a man cry was when they were breaking the news to us. So you add in the surprise of the news, the pain, the surprise of the first time seeing a man cry, and the realization that my dad wasn't what I thought he was....

Basically, I am uncomfortable seeing men cry because it calls up associations with a painful and unhappy time of my life. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I don't think it's going away anytime soon. But I would never deride a man for crying, or think it made him less of a man. I just don't want to watch it.

Thanks for this post, Courtney. The notion that men who cry are somehow less masculine or not even seen as worthy of being men in the first place is a glaring example of hegemonic masculinity -- the idea that there is only one way to be a man and that is through physical and emotional strength. As these piece suggests, however, looking at masculinity in the plural form (-itiES as opposed to -ity) demonstrates that there are lots of ways to be men. It's no surprise, either, that the ones who embody resistive masculinities are often pro-feminists --my favorite.

To me, seeing a man cry makes me think of him as almost more manly because of the perception that it takes courage to be comfortable letting go like that. I'm sure this thinking doesn't help. It would be better to just see them as people with a need to cry at that moment.

My husband is very open with his emotions and I've seen him cry a few times. He also freely tells his male friends he loves them and it has been a real eye-opening experience for me.

one of the most beautiful moments i have ever witnessed was a the bris of the newborn son of my boss/teacher/friend. he was giving a small sermon, and near the end, he began to cry. this continued to happen periodically throughout the rest of the ceremony. it was truly touching.

I know I should just stop getting riled up by Maureen Dowd already. At this point, it's my problem. But her op-ed in yesterday's NY Times was just too much. She asks her (mostly male?) readers: "Can Hillary Cry Her Way Back to the White House?" and argues that "in the end, Hillary had to fend off calamity by playing the female victim, both of Obama and of the press." To suggest that crying inherently implies victimhood--and some sort of manipulative game--is shameful.

Both my bf and best guy friend are very emotional, cry at tender moments in movies and such, and frequently express their love. I rarely cry and am actually somewhat uncomfortable when anyone, male or female, openly expresses such deep emotion (which is my own deal). That being said...I think it's wonderful when men reject stereotypical ideas of "masculine" feelings as limited to anger and lust, and instead are willing and eager to experience the entire range of human emotions. I admire this photographer's attempt to confront us with this, to make us realize, hey, dudes got more than a couple emotions. And I find it sad that so many people are still unwilling to let men cry or express anything less than stoicism or rage.

I'm with Olivia, the only men I've seen cry are so comfortable with themselves that they don't feel the need to hide how they feel just to impress others with their masculinity. Somehow that actually comes off as more masculine to me, and it certainly doesn't make me uncomfortable.

My father cries when he is overcome with happiness. I remember looking out into the audience at my high school awards ceremony and seeing him crying because he was so proud of me. His tears conveyed more than words ever could.

Its not just men who lose out when society teaches them to bottle their emotions but the people they love as well.

Last summer, my SO's two brothers died within 3 months of each other. The shock and trauma of the situation was unbearable. If he and his remaining brother had not cried and wailed I would have been surprised.

He also tells his friends that he loves them. I guess I'm lucky that a) he's open and in touch with hie emotions and b) I don't "mind".

But, I see emotions as necessary. Like sophia86, I think people need to healthily express themselves. It's when we don't that we end up in terrible situations with violence, resentment, and hatred.

Society is uncomfortable with men crying.

Society is uncomfortable with men telling the police that their wives has beaten them up.

Society is uncomfrotable with men going to the hospital to get check-ups.

There is a lot of work we need to do as a society. We need to teach men that it is ok to cry. We need to teach men to get out of a relationship if they are being abused. We need to teach men that they need to get life-saving health checkups.

I've never had a problem with seeing dudes cry. That picture, I keep getting distracted. Poor Benicio!

But more to the point - this has always kind of struck me, in reading about feminism and whatnot. Actually, when reading Full Frontal Feminism. These gender stereotypes and rules, they're not just screwing over women. Men are totally getting the shaft as well, in the restrictive rules they're 'supposed' to conform to. I think that shifting the that way might help everybody - gender stereotypes suck, let's toss them out.

Discussion, that is. Shifting the discussion that way. Can it please be the weekend now?

Do MRAs tackle this issue the way feminists do?

Or is expressing valid human emotion not a "right" they're agitating for?

Anyway, I WISH my boyfriend would cry. I have known him for almost eight years and been dating him for five, and I have never seen him so much as well-up.
I often wonder if he would cry at my funeral. I honestly don't know what it would take.

i know feministing posted something similar to the 'hillary incident' a few months ago. It was a congressman (i don't remember who) standing and giving a speech with his wife by his side, and he got all teared up. it was really touching- i think it might have had something to do with sexual orientation or with infidelity or something. does anyone remember this? if so, can you post who it was? thanks.

I would really like to see this exhibit...

I just stumbled upon this blog yesterday and have been reading it obsessively for the past 24 hours! I am so excited to see all these informative articles and the comments they draw--it's so refreshing after reading (and witnessing) such discouraging behavior on a daily basis.

With that said, I do think that an important point, which stanna touched upon, is that we should not spin this to only represent women. I don't think anyone commenting necessarily meant to do that, but the truth of the matter is, society not being able to handle men cry has a lot to do with...society. Which includes the women in it. Sure, perhaps it is still unacceptable for society to see a woman show anger without being labeled a bitch, and that is wrong...but what is just as wrong is men AND women in society being unable to accept a man's tears. We really do just need to step up as a people and agree that it is perfectly okay for ANY person to express ANY emotion...because we are human, and that is what we're supposed to do in life.

I hope this was eloquent enough for my first comment...I was quite nervous writing this! But I can't be left out of this intelligent banter...incase I haven't made it clear, Feministing, I love you already! And it's only been one day =)

hotpinko -

I think you may be referring to the post about the conservative mayor of San Diego reversing his stance on gay marriage because his daughter is a lesbian.

As far as men crying, my father never cries and my former long-term bf used to cry all the time. On the whole, it makes me pretty uncomfortable because I am just not that used to it, but my opinion depends more on WHY a man cries than on IF he cries.

Is anyone else frustrated that this "incident" has been portrayed as crying? There were no tears, no sobbing, nothing that would imply a breakdown. She had emotion in her voice. That is not crying. Many male candidates give impassioned speeches with emotion in their voices, they might even have a poignant pause and drop their heads for a moment before continuing talking. Is that ever considered crying? No. I am frustrated by the double standard. A few more reasons this whole thing is soooo annoying.

#1 I feel like this entire episode has been manufactured by the press. (I am not going to comment on the entire media debate of whether it was planned or not, because no one can know and it shouldn't be important, and that debate is part of the reason I see this as manufactured by the press), but I do think that the media have zeroed in on this moment and it is that attention that has given the moment any importance.

#2 I am frustrated every time I see the word "cry". She did not cry. Her voice was full of emotion.

#3 I am disappointed in edwards saying that this expressed a moment of weakness and subtly suggesting that this shows she isn't strong enough to be in the white house.

#4 I am not even voting for Clinton in the primary, like the person who asked her the notorious question, I plan on voting for Obama. But, I am very frustrated at how this has been framed. I have seen other comments on this site saying that people feel like they spend more time defending Clinton b/c she is a woman running for president than they do actually talking about the candidate they are going to vote for.

Sorry this is kind of ranty and rambly, but this issue has really gotten under my skin.

This just strikes me as one of the many things men can't do because it's a "woman thing". It's easier for women to cross into the "men's realm" and be outwardly strong and opinionated, I think, than it is for men to cross into what would be termed feminine. The gender binary isn't just two distinct poles. It's hierarchical and manichaean in the sense that masculine behavior is valued over feminine and seen as "the good". For example, it's more likely to hear a traditionally "boys name" used for a baby girl than a "girls name" being used for a boy. The binary is harmful because it values one gender over the other. So how do we change that? Do we need to work to get rid of the gender binary altogether or work within it to change what it emphasizes?

Courtney, I think you nailed it. When a society that treats grown women like children, their tendancy is to appoint other people the adults, the daddies, those who must protect them and make everything ok. How scary for them to discover we are all vulnerable, even our husbands, fathers, and leaders.

I wouldn't want my husband to be the type to cry frequently, just as I wouldn't want a pal to cry frequently. But my boyfriend is able to cry comfortably when it is emotionally appropriate and to me it just makes him stronger. Emoting sadness is part of being a healthful, relatable person, and prevents real "breakdowns" that result from years of repression and rigidity.

There is a GREAT clip from the Daily Show on Alternet about Jon Stewart looking at the clip of Hillary choked up and saying "That's IT?" Awesome. Jon deserves a "Feminist Chicks Dig Me" shirt too!

There is a GREAT clip from the Daily Show on Alternet about Jon Stewart looking at the clip of Hillary choked up and saying "That's IT?" Awesome. Jon deserves a "Feminist Chicks Dig Me" shirt too!

Say what you like, but I personally haven't shed so much as a single drop in over 20 years.

I'm happy with that. I think tears ARE a sign of weakness, and not at all masculine, no matter the definition.

There's nothing respectable, remarkable, or "strong" about breaking down and basically admitting to anyone that can see you that you cannot handle a situation.

I heart Jon Stewart. That clip is hilarious. Everyone should watch it. I especially loved the guiliani bit. And the male montage.

Seriously, something is fucked up when the media thinks men are "sensitive" and "caring" for crying, but when hilary shows a little bit of emotion, they call her an unstable, emotional bitch. Double standard at its best...

It's not just anger men are allowed to express. They can cry, if their sports team loses the big game (there will be tears a plenty after the Super Bowl), as someone pointed out earlier, they can cry at the birth of their children, death of a family member. Or when they're super passionate about something. Then society steps back and goes, "Okay, I get it," and some would even applaud men for their "passion" or what have you.

However, if it's a woman then we're only crying cause of the hormones or something, so it's nothing special.

Benico (if that is how you spell his name) is super attractive in that photo -- thanks for the post!!

88mph, why do you think tears signify that 'you can't handle a situation'? People cry for all sorts of reasons-- when their sports teams win, as UltraMagnus says, when emotional of physical pain is overwhelming, when they are overjoyed... it's hardly a sign of surrender.

After seeing the photos I'm coming back to point out (sorry if someone has already said this) that if people see men crying then it's usually taken as a sign that something is Seriously Wrong and must be paid attention to, unlike with women who are expected to cry on a dime for every little thing. Cause we're hormonal and all. Not to mention women;). /snark

Just seems to me a complete loss of control, and an admission that something is too much for you.

I find it weak.

Also, to Ultra, you can't really deny that women do, on average, cry more than men.

GottaBeMe,
Thank you for the clip! It's awesome.

"There's nothing respectable, remarkable, or "strong" about breaking down and basically admitting to anyone that can see you that you cannot handle a situation."

If what Hillary did is a breakdown to you, then - quite honestly - you are a joke.

Moreover, this view is heartless and cold. Is there no acceptable "situation" where a man can cry and not be seen as weak? I gotta say you come off as very insecure about your manhood if you believe that it can be questioned with a little salt water...as others have pointed out, it actually takes guts for a man to show emotion and contest such rigid definitions of masculinity.

"If what Hillary did is a breakdown to you, then - quite honestly - you are a joke."

Who's talking about Hillary? I wasn't. This article, and posting was about men crying. No one is talking about Hillary.

"Moreover, this view is heartless and cold. Is there no acceptable "situation" where a man can cry and not be seen as weak?"

No. None. I would respect *myself* less for it, just as much as I'd respect someone else less.

"as others have pointed out, it actually takes guts for a man to show emotion and contest such rigid definitions of masculinity. "

Weakness takes no guts. It takes guts to stare in the face of pain and trauma and exceed it. Crumbling in the face of it like a child is not strength.

Weakness is not the new strength, no matter how you'd like to redefine it.

I don't find that "heartless and cold".

I cry pretty often and am not ashamed of it. I also use anger excessively, so go figure. I agree with a lot of the points folks are making here. Society places way too many restrictions on the emotions men are "allowed" to express. I want to teach my boys a different outlook. With the advancement of women in our society, our roles have to change, too. We are now expected to express a full range of emotion and should look at that as liberating.

No more hiding behind a rugged exterior.

I'm not uncomfortable with anyone crying, but let me qualify that a bit. I've gone to school and worked with people who can be set off my any slight, whether real or imagined. I very strongly object to the idea that no one is allowed to show "weak" emotions or cry. We all have bad days. However, dealing with people who are very quick to tears, or quick to anger for that matter, can be very frustrating.

88mph - Weakness is not strength, true, but neither is hiding your vulnerability behind a neatly constructed, stoic, rugged exterior. Hiding your emotion is a not only a sign of weakness, but also a sign of no integrity.

I always admired my father because he showed a range of emotions - including tears when appropriate.

Now, as I navigate the dating world I'm struck by how few men are comfortable sharing their emotions - and to be intropective enough to reach the places inside ourselves that conjure up sadness, and pain and depth. (As well as true joy, happiness, and delight).

I like Courtney's take: nonviolent and authentic. But you gotta get those emotions out there.

Well, some of us are less vulnerable than others.

Being strong enough to *not* break down like a child and bawl isn't weakness.

The crying is what's weak.

"Now, as I navigate the dating world I'm struck by how few men are comfortable sharing their emotions - and to be intropective enough to reach the places inside ourselves that conjure up sadness, and pain and depth. (As well as true joy, happiness, and delight)."

You're actually surprised by this?

88mph - you mean some of us pretend to be less vulnerable than others?

"88mph - you mean some of us pretend to be less vulnerable than others?"

Insinuate what you like, but you'd be wrong.

88mph - you mean some of us pretend to be less vulnerable than others?

Sounds to me like you're saying that hiding one's emotions is a sign of maturity. Are you really serious?

How is crying weak?