Awesome post, Jessica. The phrase "the personal is political" has been in greater circulation lately since Carol Hanisch called people's attention to its original meaning: not that women's individual choices should be held up to scrutiny (which I think you and I would agree had become something of the main usage of the phrase at some point): but that the experiences that women face are not their challenges alone, but the life experiences of women as a class, they are structural problems that admit of and even require structural and political solutions.

This is a great example of Hanisch's original rallying cry. These experiences are not one woman's alone; they are women's experiences. Do not suffer in silence; tell the story. There is strength in numbers. The personal is political.

Thanks Thomas--though I can't take the credit for it! It was written by Sarah of the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF). ;)

I am so, so glad to see this story. My first college roommate became pregnant when her boyfriend sabotaged her birth control. At the time, I just thought he was a manipulative creep who was threatened by her success, but now (after working at a crisis center for three years), I recognize his behavior as abusive, emotionally and sexually.

The most disturbing part (or perhaps another one of the disturbing parts) is that when I've told this story, the standard response is that she shouldn't have had sex with someone who kept throwing away her pills and refusing to use a condom. Very few people recognize this as a form of abuse, or consider how it fits into a matrix of other behaviors: making the victim feel like no one else would love her, like she ought to have a baby if she really loved the perpetrator, and so on.

The rest of the story, in case anyone is interested, is that my roommate left the flag-ship state school we were at in order to move home and marry the abusive boyfriend (who was still in high school at the time). She completed a few more semesters of college while working full time and raising their baby, but she ultimately transferred again to community college, where she finished a certification as a dental hygenist. There is certainly nothing wrong with that, but it is very different from the dream of being a psychologist she brought to college. And of course she is still with (at least as far as I know; she stopped returning my e-mails, calls, and letters about a year ago) the abuser, whose tactics of manipulation are likely to escalate over time.

I wasn't aware of this problem. I think that it's so awful that some women have this extra hurtle in front of them when it comes to making reproductive choices. I hope more attention is brought to this issue.

I looked right at the bottom of the post, missing the big, bold "contributed by ..."

If that's the worst mistake I make today, it'll be a good day.

I think this is a great project. A friend of mine who I lost (ie.. manipulative boyfriend AND family) was in this type of situation and fell right into it.

First her boyfriend (who she'd broken up with before and who contacted her after he got shot in driving his cousin to his dealer) claimed he had seen the light and wanted to mend his ways (right...) and get back with her. She fell for it.

On top of he was now 2000 miles away within a week of getting shot and wouldn't come to see her, would berate her over the phone for breaking up with him in the first place (she'd get into the shower at 5am WITH her cell phone so her crying wouldnt wake us up, she had moved in with us to get away from her abusive father, she was 22 and he controlled every aspect of her life... her paychecks from the only place she was allowed to work, the church daycare, went to him, she had no idea how much she made, no drivers license, wasnt even allowed to take academic classes... just music classes and child development classes) and then when she spent her financial aid money from school to fly to see him for an extended weekend, he told her that the Depo Provera she was on caused three of his relatives to become infertile and caused a heart attack in another (*cough* bullsh*t *cough*) and that she couldn't be on ANY hormonal birth control cause of the awful things it would do to her (she had been just fine on Depo for 9 months dumbass and actually LIKED it).

So of course, she never goes back for her next shot. In the mean time, she had to give the money to her mom to buy the tickets for her cause she only had cash and needed a credit card (we told her we wouldnt buy it). Her mom obliges and then when she gets backs her family ambushes her saying if she gets married to him they will throw her the wedding of her dreams and she bit. $25,000 wedding to get married since now they knew she wasnt a virgin and no one else would ever want her, what they told her.

She moved to be with him a year ago now. Hasnt been back to college since. None of her friends here have heard from her in almost 10 months. They hear from her family she is pregnant, living with him and his relatives. I honestly doubt she even has a state ID if she even has access to hers anymore.

*sigh* Anyway, guys who manipulative things like that, or anything, just piss me off. We put so much on the line helping her, renting a truck to move her out in a short two hour window, letting her stay with us, filling out appeal forms so she could get financial aid from the school without her parents information... When she first moved out we took her grocery shopping and afterward she cried, because she had never been able to pick out what she wanted from the store. The only time she ever got to choose what she ate was when eating from the cafeteria at the school. She was doing so much better before that a** came back into her life.

BTW, for those who did not see it when it made the rounds, Hanisch wrote a new intro to the original essay, here.

The key paragraphs to my mind are these, about how pregressive men marginalized women's concerns as "personal":

They could sometimes admit that women were oppressed (but only by "the system") and said that we should have equal pay for equal work, and some other "rights." But they belittled us no end for trying to bring our so-called "personal problems" into the public arena - especially "all those body issues" like sex, appearance, and abortion. Our demands that men share the housework and childcare were likewise deemed a personal problem between a woman and her individual man. The opposition claimed if women would just "stand up for themselves" and take more responsibility for their own lives, they wouldn't need to have an independent movement for women's liberation. What personal initiative wouldn't solve, they said, "the revolution" would take care of if we would just shut up and do our part. Heaven forbid that we should point out that men benefit from oppressing women.

Recognizing the need to fight male supremacy as a movement instead of blaming the individual woman for her oppression was where the Pro-Woman Line came in. It challenged the old anti-woman line that used spiritual, psychological, metaphysical, and pseudo-historical explanations for women's oppression with a real, materialist analysis for why women do what we do. (By materialist, I mean in the Marxist materialist (based in reality) sense, not in the "desire for consumer goods" sense.) Taking the position that "women are messed over, not messed up" took the focus off individual struggle and put it on group or class struggle, exposing the necessity for an independent WLM to deal with male supremacy.

If this is a sidetrack from women telling their stories, I apologize.

I apologize for my rant earlier if anyone found I went on a little too long or just went too personal, just still half asleep and grouchy.

But on a more productive note... I find it horrifying that this is happening at such a young age. I know it happened but I am shocked (ok, not shocked but I was hoping I would have been... sigh) at how high the numbers are for teenagers. For the flip side of the coin, I wonder how many of these girls are going to be accused later when said guy doesnt want to be around for getting pregnant to keep him around. :(

Thomas: I don't think it was a sidetrack, I think it helps put perspective to the issue.

$25,000 wedding to get married since now they knew she wasnt a virgin and no one else would ever want her, what they told her.

$25,000 for a wedding & not a penny offered for her education? Gah.

$25,000 for a wedding & not a penny offered for her education? Gah.

The only classes they allowed her to take when she did go where ones her father thought would help her be a good wife and mother (ie, music and child development courses). He also felt and pushed on her that women shouldnt work outside the home and if the had to, only in child care.

"Have you ever had to hide your pill from your boyfriend or husband?"

You'd count cases of having to hide birth control from one's in-laws (if she lives with them) too, right?

"*sigh* Anyway, guys who manipulative things like that, or anything, just piss me off."

...and the way her family took his side pisses me off too. So much for Mommy and Daddy knowing best.

"I know it happened but I am shocked (ok, not shocked but I was hoping I would have been... sigh) at how high the numbers are for teenagers."

The only part that shocked me was how often it happens to unmarried teens. I used to think it was mostly in-laws and husbands demanding heirs who wouldn't let teen girls use contraception or avoid sex.

If I could teach one thing to women (and men) it would be to never, ever, give an abusive partner a second chance for anything.

I think this is more common then people realize. In my first sexual relationship this was the case, he didn't want me to use any form of birth control. I thought I was the only one who went through this until someone else on the young feminist blog I am involved in posted about her experience which was identical to mine.

This is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. It makes me so angry that there are people out there (like the boyfriend and parents of your friend, Tasia-Marie) who believe they have the right to do something like this. NOT FUCKING RIGHT.

My ex boyfriend was abusive. He was also the only way (I thought) at the time for me to move out of a small country town and finish my education - he had family in the city.

About a year into the relationship his behaviour changed, abusive, manipulative financially controlling. I had no job, no friends, no money and living in a big city where I had little support.

I was 18 and on the pill. He would often cajole me - 'If you want me to settle down, have a kid to me' and 'why don't you throw away those pills'.

I knew he had a child from a previous relationship that he had zero contact with and although I didn't have a name for it at the time, I'm Childfree.

It would have been so easy to give in and hope for the best, but somewhere deep down I knew he wasn't right for me and I didn't want to have a child with him, and therefore be tied to him in a way forever.

He never tampered with my BC thank god, and I never did get pregnant to him. I've since moved on, completed university and have been with my current partner for 4 years.

Really interesting discussion -- also at Pandagon, where they're also talking about the cliche of the woman trapping a man into commitment by sabotaging birth control. Obviously all humans are capable of being manipulative and self-serving, but it got me thinking about why I think male sabotage of birth control is so much worse ...

My own mother tricked my father into having me, so I guess that's coloring my response! Their marriage was falling apart and I guess she decided a third child, ideally a son, would keep him around. So I grew up knowing I was supposed to have been a boy and supposed to hold the family together (in both of which endeavours I failed, needless to say). But of course every one has baggage and I'm glad I'm here.

Obviously, a pregnancy -- whether it results in a termination, miscarriage or baby -- is overwhelmingly the woman's burden, so that's the main reason I think the stories shared here are so much more serious than what my mother did. What's more, bullying or tricking a woman into a pregnancy establishes a one-way commitment; she's tied to the child and to the father, but he can leave if he loses his nerve or decides his gamble was a mistake. Whereas a woman who connives a pregnancy to keep a man risks a lot more.

In any case this is something I knew nothing about, and I find the statistics really shocking. Really grateful to have my consciousness raised about this, to revive another old 70s feminist slogan!

Wow... did this post ever hit hard!

My soon to be ex-husband was pretty adament that I not use any form of bc... and 5 months into our relationship, I became pregnant. Yes, it was a choice I made and we did use condoms, but I have never trusted them. Dh (dick head) "is" roman catholic. He does not go to mass, he does not do any of the things good catholics do, but I couldn't go on bc because it was against his faith?!? Before we were married he decided that I should cancel all my credit cards and bank accounts (no bloody way!) and of course, once my baby was born, he again did not want me on bc, but I went on depo - it did not take my doctor much convincing - I was not in good shape after the birth and I did all the house work, yard work and baby work - and bleed for 4 months, didn't sleep for 18 months, yada, yada. One night dh was suppose to be carry for the breast feed only baby, but she'd been crying for quite awhile and I went in to see her. And he won't not allow me to even pick her up. He's a foot taller and 100 lbs more than me. Last spring he slammed the gate on me. Leaving me with a huge bruise. Then he would not leave me allone. I had to threaten to phone the police, with the phone in my hand, before he would get out of my sight. Looking back, I wish I had reported the insident.
Should I mention, I entered the marriage with 11 K in savings, and a house? He came in with 10 K debt, and 4 years later is leaving with 40-50K cash - equity from my house! While I have nothing greater than I entered with, other than $60 K more in mortgage! (and of course, my wonderful daughter). A previous poster was absolutely right - Never give an abuser a second chance!

FuriousMom, your soon-to-be-ex-husband is scum. I hope very bad things happen to him.

Wow. Another thing to file away under "things my future kids and any other young people who might look to me for advice should know about".

There is a film by Andrea Dorfman set in Halifax, Nova Scotia, called Parsley Days, that was an indie cult hit in the maritime provinces about seven or so years ago. It tells the story of a bicycle repairwoman whose boyfriend, sweetly ironically himself a contraception counsellor, sabotages birth control efforts by poking pins through their condoms. they break up, but it isn't easy for her- what with the guy being a sensitive contraception counsellor and so forth. check it out.

This posting reminded me of something really disturbing I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple of years ago. Gabrielle doesn't want to get pregnant, but her husband replaces her birth control pills with placebos from future packs and she conceives.

Instead of treating it like the abusive act that it is, the show's writers decide to tell the story of how becoming pregnant helps Gabrielle to grow up and stop being so selfish.

Never do they deal with the fact that what her husband did is tantamount to rape. It sickens me and it reminds me of just how far we have to go when popular culture accepts such acts with no outrage whatsoever.