It has always seemed to me that the concept of virginity is not linked just to our cultural attitudes towards female sexuality, but nearly exclusively to female sexuality. People rarely question or care if males are virgins; the biggest implication for the virginity of men is that they are teased a bit for it. Women in our culture are defined and constricted by their perceived virginity or lack thereof.

The whole concept of virginity is fraught with weirdness. A friend of mine told me she was a virgin and that sex was reserved for a committed relationship. I asked her how she defined sex. She declined to answer (and I didn't press her) but considering how difficult that is to define... I'm curious to see the film.

I'd really like to know if this documentary addresses the how virginity is regarded as a liability among progressive-minded women. At least, that has been my experience.

I didn't lose mine until I was 21 and a senior in college. Basically, I stayed away from sex out of fear of STDs; I was waiting until I had a Serious Boyfriend, but that didn't happen until I was 24. One day, in one of those college magazines that are sometimes inserted in the campus newspaper, I was reading an article about virgins in college. Everyone quoted was religious and waiting for marriage. I felt that virginity was the membership card for the Christian right - and being that I'm quite the lefty, I was convinced I had to get rid of it. I went to a bar and managed to lure a random guy to my campus apartment. The penetration hurt, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got out, he was gone. But I didn't care - I believed I was free.

How is it that someone could be so paranoid about sex, and then all of a sudden do something risky to relieve herself of a "burden"?

My situation isn't common, but I think it's worth sharing in a discussion about virginity. To me - and perhaps to many other people - it seemed as though if a woman was going to have sex before marriage, she was going to start having it by the time she was 18. And if she missed that deadline, the assumption would be that she was waiting for marriage. And that definitely wasn't me!

I'll never forget a college professor making the comment that "You can tell if a woman is a virgin or not in the way she acts." He made it sound like it was some mark on you if you were still a virgin or not or that losing your virginity was what made you a mature woman.

I wish I had had the right words at the time to tell him to shut up and that virginity is not something you can see on a person like a smudge of dirt or a mark of red.

TheBrunette -

Thanks for sharing - it's nice to know I'm not the only one who "lost it" that way.

The Brunette-

I can relate. Except I still haven't 'lost' it. When I was younger(17-20) I simply wasn't ready even though I was in a committed long-term relationship. That ended, and I haven't been in another one since, and I'm 24 now. It's not something I am ashamed of but it does become difficult to find a guy who is understanding. Not to mention the awkwardness of bringing it up in the first place. Then there are the women who give me the "Oh, that's so awesome!" speech. Which is hard to know how to feel about. So yeah. The attitudes and judgment that come with it equals no fun.

While Im willing to accept this is a more complex and difficult problem for women, I cant help but get the feeling the majority of "people" (late teens) I see on an average day wouldnt leave it at just "teased a little bit". Particularly the ones -girls and boys alike- who are younger than me. Shit, I get “teased a little bit� occasionally for even more minor things like how I look or act.

Phlegmatic: I should clarify, though maybe you'll still disagree with me.

Men's value as people is not conflated with their perceived sexual "purity." They certainly can catch a lot of flack for being virgins, but it is never implied that their sole worth in the world is contingent upon their virginity. They aren't ruined men if they have sex. Even women who are virgins are treated differently than men who are. They're time bombs of sexuality that have to be padlocked, lest they be ruined forever. The connotation of the word virgin is almost always colored with femaleness.

kissmypineapple, Im all too ready to accept that. I think you missed the point I took "issue" with.

I am almost 22 years old. I'm still a virgin. All I can tell you is that I haven't met a guy I've known long enough, trusted enough, or loved enough.

(Hold on, someone just gave me a sandwich.)

Delicious. Anyway, I'm going to have to watch that doc. I am quite curious.

i read somewhere that the definition for "virgin" used to mean that she did not give her Self to any man. images of witches and Lilith come to mind. this information gave light to the fact that a woman's Self has been tapered down to meaning her sexuality. or, more pointedly, her vagina. it is one more indication that modern women are only perceived as being empty (holes) that need to be (full)filled by the men who regard them as such. men who are interested in marrying a "pure" woman. "pure" now meaning "laying in wait for a man". in short, the word "virgin" had been hijacked from women by the patriarchy in order to condense her Self to her hyMEN.

"I can relate. Except I still haven't 'lost' it. When I was younger(17-20) I simply wasn't ready even though I was in a committed long-term relationship. That ended, and I haven't been in another one since, and I'm 24 now."

Me too, except I've never managed to have a boyfriend for more than 3 dates and I'm 29. :/

This looks wonderful! When can I see it if I live out in the boonies of North Dakota?

avril said: "a woman's Self has been tapered down to meaning her sexuality. or, more pointedly, her vagina."

I always think of this when people refer to prostitutes as "selling themselves". There is more to a person than just their genitals and sexuality.

23-year old virgin here. People are always like, shocked to find that out. On Friday, I was playing Never Have I Ever with some people, and someone said "Never have I ever had sex with a man." I didnt drink, and someone said "you are supposed to drink if youve done it." I was like "im aware of how to play the game..."
Then everyone was like "OMG that's so commendable" blah blah blah. People always have what seems like 1 of 2 reactions, I should either be super proud, or I should be embarassed about it. There's not much to be proud about though, its not like it was hard. I've never met someone and been tempted to have sex with them, so...it hasn't taken a lot of self-control on my part. I've never really been in a relationship that has lasted longer than like, 1 evening. As far as being embarassed...well I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain to anyone here how asinine it is to say that I should be embarassed to not have had sex with anyone.

I was another 20-something virgin who regarded losing "it" more as something to get out of the way than something to either anticipate or dread. I think everyone assumes that if you're still a virgin when you hit your 20s, it's because you're very religious and have made a conscious decision to "save" yourself for marriage (or love).
However, I suspect that "virgin due to lack of opportunity" is far more common than "virgin due to strong moral convictions" is.
The only difference between virgins and non-virgins is that virgins lack--gasp!--sexual experience. Which to my knowledge doesn't make one any smarter, emotionally mature, a better dancer, or anything else. So really, unless we're planning to have sex with someone, why should we care whether they're a virgin or not?

Years ago, I had a multi-year primary relationship with a virgin. We were poly, we had outside partners. At the beginning, she was young and not ready for PV intercourse, but as she found her groove, she just decided that she could have plenty of fun without it. It even became a bit of a badge of honor; she was kinky and bicurious and packed more experiences into her college years than many people have in a lifetime, without having PV intercourse. Eventually, she decided it was time. That relationship certainly affected how I see sex, though: I'm not very penetrocentric.

I have spent the past 18 months interviewing British people of all ages and persuasions about the loss of their virginity and the subsequent sexual journey we go on. I started to blog about it six months ago and got an irate email virtually straightaway from someone taking umbrage at my blog headline - 'virginity - we all lose it'.

And its true, not everyone will lose their virginity. I get far more mail now from people who havn't lost their virginity than those who have. These people are marginalised - society does not cater to those who choose - or not - to not be actively engaged in a sexual relationship. To this day, out of all the stories I have documented, the one that messes with people's minds more than any other is the fifty year old man who has been married for twenty years and never had penetrative sex.

Interesting stuff, glad I found this site.

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