Personally, I'm all for open relationships. Monogamy doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't want to be a cheater. That leaves me either feeling stifled (either in small ways or larger ones), or in need of a good open relationship. I've had a few of those, and they worked pretty well. The reasons they ended never had anything to do with either of us sleeping with another person.

The key to these things, as it is with most relationship issues, is trust and honesty. As long as you have those two things, it's amazing what you can manage to do. Of course, it helps if neither of you is under the impression that either sex or love implies ownership of another person.

Oh hell yes! Now this is a topic that interests me greatly. I don't think monogamy for LIFE (for some, from early 20s to one's death!) is healthy or suitable for most people, as much as society, the media, friends, and family drills it into us that it is. I, too, wish there were more examples of healthy, open relationships. I know I could use a good model.

I've never been in an open relationship, but I've been in casual relationships where monogamy was not assumed so there was no presumption of "ownership." I do wonder if I could be in a true open relationship one day if I get serious with someone else, or if I will continue on with casual relationships.

I do wonder though, why get married and get the law involved in your relationship even though you have sort of a central partner with whom you raise children and who acts as sort of a base, a family member? Though I'd understand if it were for reasons like health insurance and immigration.

I can't wait to read this book!

I am open to open relationships, and my partner and I do experiment a bit with openness. I don't think humans are necessarily built for monogamy- and I don't think all that many people are truely monogamous in their lives. What are the percentages of people that cheat on their spouses? They are somewhere at 50% who admit to it, I think. The idea of a lifelong commitment to one person is flawed, and I see polamory as an extention of that.

My husband and I are talking about having an open relationship. Neither of us believe that absolute monogamy is possible for a relationship as long as we want to have, at least for us. I don't think I could do a threesome, but we spend a bit of time apart (he visits out-of-state family a lot, I often spend weekends away with my friends) and we've talked about hooking up with others while we're apart. I think it would work out, but we're both kinda nervous about how to go about it or what to expect. Thanks for posting your story, I really like hearing how other people manage open marriages.

I believe that if both partners are happy in their relationship, and neither party is harmed, then it is a healthy relationship. When someone believes they are going into a monogamous relationship and their partner is having secret affairs, that is harmful; an open marriage is not. If a relationship works, and both partners are happy, then it is a good relationship, and outsiders have no ground to tell you otherwise (though they surely will).

I read this blog every morning with my coffee and everyday I have thoughts and responses to the blogs . . . today I had a strong reaction. I have been married to an amazing woman for a little over a year (we were married in Canada). We are truly happy and truly in love. I recently met another woman who is quite brilliant, we have amazing conversations and the chemistry is overwhelming. I have not had a crush like this since college. I feel sick all the time because society tells me a happy marriage is a monogamous marriage and any time I hear of an open marriage it always ends badly. Can my wife and I still be happy if I sleep with another woman? I don't know, all I know today I cannot get this woman out of my mind and I am distracted from my marriage. Would an open marriage give me what I need? I have no idea . . .

I commend you on your courage to live and write about your open marriage. Thank you.

my concern is not rooted in morals, love, or anything like that, it's a straight forward health concern. having more partners can increase the risk of stds like HPV (that can be contracted even if condoms are used). if i'm with an exclusive partner, i wouldn't want to worry about contracting something - with things like HPV a person may not even realize they are a carrier. but if i already know that partner and i are clean, why would i want to risk exposing myself to a health risk?

SaldySays, those are understandable concerns. I would say that the core partners get tested regularly (at least once a year) for STIs, including HIV, and always use condoms and other barrier methods when engaging in any kind of sex with outside partners. It is a risk, sure, but sex always is in regards to disease and unintendended pregnancy. But if both partners enter into an open relationship with the commitment to protecting themselves and their partner(s) as best possible, they can decide if that risk is worth taking.

Open relationships work if both people are of the same mind about it. My significant other would have no problem if I wanted to see other people as long as I still want to be with him, but I am very monogamous by nature and wouldn't do it. I have told him that he can also see other people, just please break up with me first. I can't stomach the idea of him with anyone else, and I guess that makes me a bad person - but since he's very monogamous as well it works out. I believe that nobody can *make* anyone else stay faithful anyway, so why try? Just please have the courtesy to end things with me first, and don't lie to me or bring home diseases. That's it.

SaldySays- can we not use "clean" to describe your STD status? That makes everyone with an STD (and there are a lot of people, even people in monogamous relationship) "dirty" and that ain't kosher. Its great that you think your partner will never cheat on you, and maybe (s)he won't, but good luck being sure of that, ever.

"They are somewhere at 50% who admit to it, I think. The idea of a lifelong commitment to one person is flawed, and I see polamory as an extention of that."

I'm actually about to submit a paper to the American Journal of Public Health on this question. In a variety of both nationally representative studies and large-scale studies:

10-20% of married women say they have committed infidelity. 14% in my sample (N = 128,000)

20-30% of married men say they have committed infidelity. 26% in my sample.(N = 128,000)

(Average age in those samples is about 40)

Those are for heterosexual adults. Lesbian women are the same as hetero (14%). Bisexual men, bisexual women, and gay men are much higher though (40%-60%)

Perceptions are higher though: People think 42 of married men and 30% of married women have cheated, and people who guess higher are more likely to have cheated as well.

I don't have a problem with open marriage, but I know that lifestyle would not suit me. Relationships are something personal, and I really don't care whether or not someone chooses to live a polygamous lifestyle. It's empowering to claim your own sexuality and to be true to yourself.

Maybe it's just because I never really learned to share my toys as a child.

It really doesn't bother me that some people choose to have open relationships. But if my boyfriend were to sleep with someone else, even after talking with me about it, I would be jealous. Maybe it is social programming, but at this point in my life I do want a monogamous relationship. I just don't have an overwhelming desire to be with another person.

i apologize for using that diction, JenLovesPonies, i didnt mean to be disrespectful. but, i never claimed that i thought my partner would not cheat on me. i guess that would be built into the same trust that some one in an open relationship would have about their partner practicing safe sex with others.

I checked out your article on Tango, and I thought it was very interesting. While I'm not interested in an open relationship at this point in my life (or in the relationship I am in), I too believe honesty, communication, and tailoring relationships to the partners' needs are what make them work. I wish more people had the courage to think outside the box and recognize that the heterosexual life plan makes so few of us truly "happy." While I can see how other factors in an open marriage, such as an increased risk of STI's, could play into the situation -- or even unforseeable situations, such as sleeping with someone who comes back into your life later on -- it's a matter of being practical (getting tested, protecting yourself) and recognizing that all situations have consequences (good and bad) to deal with. I'm appalled at some of the comments left on your article -- but the internet has an amazing ability to bring out the ugly side of society. I wish you best of luck with your book -- and thanks for opening up the conversation with all of us!

my boyfriend and i are friendly with a couple who have an open marriage. while they've never asked us to participate (why? we're cute!), it has brought up the topic for conversation. we agreed it's not really for us right now. we both felt we enjoyed our time to have casual relationships, and are happy to be sexually committed to each other at this point in our lives. also, it opens up more conversations about what we want sexually from each other, if/when those needs should change, and the possibility of a evolving and maturing sexual relationship with the person i choose to commit to emotionally. but i have trouble disconnecting sexual feelings from emotions.

that being said, i'm happy when people persue lifestyle choices that make them happy, no matter how unconventional. why should your friends and neighbors care what you're doing in the safe confines of your own happy relationships?

Generally speaking, I think open relationships are fine. I've known several well adjusted poly folk, and I know it can work. That said, it's not for me. I need monogamy, and my husband mostly agrees with me. I considered it, and even tried it out for awhile in high school, but I just don't work that way.

Personally, not really my thing. It was fun in college and such, but not something I would want now.

I think the main concern is stability of the relationship. The more partners you have, the more likelihood that you might form an attachment to someone other than your primary partner and move on. For me, that's not a possible source of instability I want to mess around with, or to be at risk for that with my partner moving on.

For me personally, I prefer an exclusively monogamous relationship. I think as long as my partner and I keep our relationship interesting and exciting, it will be everything we want and need. I feel like if I'm truly meant to be with someone for life, I won't ever want to be with anyone else. As far as open relationships go, I have no problem with them and the people who have them. I know that every relationship is unique and different and people need to do what's best for them and their relationships.

THANK YOU. It's about time this was discussed in an adult manner.

What concerns me are the number of people who jump to the conclusion that a relationship MUST end *because* one member stepped outside that relationship sexually--whether once or repeatedly. The fact of having done so yields information about the state of the relationship. It is not a conclusion about the relationship.

It seems the happily-ever-after complex sets people up for more hurt than is necessary.

UCLAbodyimage- I stand corrected. I had 50% in my head, I am not sure where from, and now Google is showing me similiar stats to you.

SaldySays- My point was that you are taking risks, too. I don't think there is ever a way to truely know we are sexually safe from STDs.

For me, being in a monogamous relationship is not about ownership. I'm a serial monogamist. I've tried being in casual relationships where I've been sexually active with several people for a short period of time. I find that within monogamy, for me, I feel more fulfilled sexually. This is not to say that monogamy is the only root to a happy sex life, just that for me, personally, I get greater joy out of sex when I believe that my partner and I are exclusive.

"UCLAbodyimage- I stand corrected. I had 50% in my head, I am not sure where from, and now Google is showing me similiar stats to you."

50% would be a little scary!

The numbers like 50% come from magazine studies where they have people write in or mail an insert from the magazine. The problem is that the people who have a story to tell are more likely to mail it in, so they get over-represented.

What confuses me about open relationships (and I blame the lack of educated conversations I've had on the topic) is if it stays monogamous for everything but the sexual part of the relationship. I think aspect of the open relationship idea that confuses most people that I've spoken to is "If I was in an open relationship does that mean that we would both have sex with other people, but would still come home to each other at night?"

Most monogamous people will forgive their significant other if he/she cheats on him/her, but they won't forgive about having a entire other relationship (after sexual, and into emotional/mental/etc). So does that make most people in open relationships, but they don't know how to define it yet?

I understand this was a very confusing question, and I guess I'm asking more of the specifics (which should be discussed with the partner you are sharing the open relationship with, because there are no rules & regulations to follow...I get it...) but I would have no option but to guess and test each theory I think would work. I think my open mind wanders too far and I picture my husband with 45 wives and 150 children, and wondering if I could be comfortable with that.

Maybe we're weird, but part of what my wife and I enjoy about our marriage IS the ownership side of things, though we prefer to call it "belonging". She belongs to me, and I belong to her.

That's what trips our trigger, but for someone else, it may have exactly the opposite affect.

I think that's part of why this is such an emotional issue for some people. Some of us enjoy monogamy and are kind of freaked out by open relationships. For others, it's the exact opposite.

The human heart is a complicated organ.

Open relationships aren't for me personally, but I know several polyamorous people. Two of my friends have an open marriage to each other, and their marriage is one of the most stable marriages I've ever seen. On the other hand I know of one other woman who screwed up because she didn't define her relationship with one young man as "open" before pursuing other men; thus, she did what could only be defined as cheating on him, because she wasn't honest about having sex with other men, and on top of that, HE wasn't polyamorous.

So, really, I've got no problem with open relationships, so long as no one gets hurt and both/all parties conduct themselves in the right manner. Open relationships just aren't for me personally, that's all.

I think my open mind wanders too far and I picture my husband with 45 wives and 150 children, and wondering if I could be comfortable with that.

It's great that we're discussing this, though I feel maybe it's a bit of "preaching to the choir." If open relationships were NOT relegated to the fringe or seen as radical, maybe more of us in society would not be scared or jealous of entering into an open relationship or if our partner expresses a desire to do so. Sexuality is a continuum, I believe, and the fluidity of love and sex in relationships should continually be discussed throughout one's romantic partnership(s).

I am not opposed to an open relationship, though I would never puruse one myself. Too many messy emotions, and too much risk for STDs.

That said, this is an interesting concept, and I must ask, why marriage? Marriage is a very specific word to use, it has both religious and legal connotations. While I would understand the author's desire to get married for legal and financial benefits, why does she still use this specific vocabulary? I ask this because it is common when challenging a social structure to change one's vocabulary. For example, many straight couples I know who have been married use the vocabulary of partnership and partner to describe their spouses so as to avoid assigning gender roles, as well as to challenge the idea that marriage must be between a man and a woman. If they had not needed health insurance or legal protections in the event of separation, they probably would not have been married. So, why marriage? I do not take issue with the idea that people aren't necessarily meant to be with one person the rest of their life, but I am curious as to why the author still sticks with this word.

Also, how is it that a monogomous relationship is not as honest, and rife with ownership and jealousy? I suppose it depends on what one thinks their partner needs to be honest about, and I don't think that an open relationship is necessarily free of ownership issues. It's very hard to escape those.

I don't get it... You get married to become exclusive (closed), and then you think you might want "open" marriage -- open "closed-ness." Why not just not get married at all? Why embrace a platitude (marriage) that is by definition exclusive, and expand it so that it eventually has no meaning?

What are the benefits to marriage, if there is no sexual exclusivity? Aren't all those benefits (if any) attainable outside of marriage -- and outside of any unique quality that makes marriage distinct? Why is marriage necessary if you want sexual "openness?"

Having read your Tango article, it seems like things aren't quite as equitable as you would hope. The chronology of events looks like this to me:

You married into a vowed monogamous relationship. You broke that vow. Your husband forgave you, though he was devastated by your admission. You found another, better way to fuck someone else - you brought him into it. He gave in to the idea (being a guy I can see the attraction to the scenario), and now he's complicit. Since then, he's not sought out another liaison, but you've fucked dozens of men and women. But that's okay, because you tell him about it, whether it hurts him or not. And he can't refuse, because he's 'not that guy' and he's been part of it with you.

It sounds like you've manipulated this relationship into precisely the territory you want. You know it hurts your husband, but through skill and dumb luck you've locked up his argument. And now he lives in his head, and not his heart. Poor guy.

This is a feminist site, and I really enjoy the discourse, so perhaps I can make my view on this a bit more clear. Reverse the genders in her story. It's now her husband who had a lengthy affair, who was caught and spends his days and nights away sleeping with others. No communication or agreement (I saw nothing about her husband being okay ahead of time with any of her lovers), just him banging away at the nation's population. She's at home, waiting, and being okay in her head, but not in her heart.

Devastating.

I want to say, I greatly respect people's privacy and decisions they make with their own families. If someone wants to live an open marriage, I say go for it.

I know, however, it isn't for me. I'm a man and some would seemingly believe tons of men would jump onto such a concept. Not I. Perhaps it is my upbringing, Italian-American. Perhaps it is my religious choices. Perhaps it has something to do with my own views of morality. Maybe all of the above.

I think it is more likely to do with--when I think about the woman I love, I think about her sharing times, good and bad with me. I don't mean to sound soft, but it really isn't just about sex. Though, in part it is. I couldn't imagine seeing her with another man under any circumstances--and I only hope she feels the same way about me and other women. I don't think it is about "ownership" as someone says above. Rather, it is the intense emotional connection I have with someone that I couldn't possibly share.

Maybe my situation is a bit different, however. My girl friend is my largest crush and I was hers. For 7 years we saw each other go in an out of relationships without really knowing the true story. I've seen what I talk about above and already felt the pain and anguish associated with it. It sucks and I couldn't do it again.

It isn't for everyone. But, it is for some people. To those people, I say good luck and godspeed. Honestly, on the outside, how would I ever know who you were.

JenLovesPonies: in turn, can we not make statements that infer one's parter is likely to cheat and if you believe otherwise, it's only wishful thinking? It frames the marriage as being untrustworthy and the commenter a fool, which is nasty and uncalled for. Particularly as it's not statistically supported, it seems like a personal attack. Sort of a 'I don't like what you're saying so I'm going to make you feel bad my saying your partner will probably cheat on you' sort of response.

I just read the article.

It is a text-book on manipulation. Period.

Open marriage should be talked about before marriage starts. Otherwise, it is changing the deck in the middle of the hand and, when someone has already invested years into something, maybe they will consent.

But, is it "enthusiastic consent?"

Sad.

I have had a question for awhile about the poly thing... how do you deal with jealousy - not of the people who are with your #1 guy or gal, but of your #1 guy or gal themselves. In particular in the situation where they seem to be finding lots of other partners when you are not finding any at all, or going through a lull... I guess this is starting to sound a little Dear Abby/Dan Savage'ish - but I wonder how much relationships fray not because of the attention spent on others, but the lack of attention one partner is feeling in comparison (self comparison) to the other...

anyways, just a thought...

read the tango article--very nice. i've read "the ethical slut", the sort of bible of polyamory, but i could actually relate to this article more. i admired this woman, and this couple's, journey.. the ups and downs, the doubt, the joys and frustrations/jealousy. her story was told honestly and humbly. i am only 22 years old and not currently in a committed relationship, nor have i been in a polyamorous relationship. but, i have many years and, hopefully, many relationships ahead of me, and i am staying open to future possibilities. it's nice to at least have a model or reference point out there for these kinds of choices. for some, yes, a polyamorous life is a happier one, one in which they can be more honest with themselves and others... and what is wrong with that? as a culture, we need to get over our association between monogamy and morality.

We’ve been socially programmed to demand fidelity and are told at every turn that jealousy and ownership prove love. I don’t buy it.

A great quote. I've often felt feminism's successes in regards to relationships and equality have gone in something of the wrong direction. Rather than having a husband who owns a wife, we now have a husband and wife who own each other (or girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.), when what we should be striving for are relationships where nobody is owned.

I'm wary of open relationships/marriages. As a concept, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with them. However, my husband and I have discussed it and have chosen to be monogamous for the foreseeable future. Which is not to say any level of openness is forever off the table, but we're not comfortable with it at this time.

Out of the many open relationships I've personally observed, the vast majority end in heartbreak and divorce. Usually it's a problem of communication, one partner does not approve of the person, manner, or time spent on their spouse's secondary relationship. Rather than openly talk it out and resolve it, things turn into a morass of resentment, passive aggression, and rebellion. Then the primary relationship dissolves.

I've also seen people leave their spouses for a secondary partner. Which is not to say it wouldn't have happened anyway, but I think that the abandoned spouse feels worse for their own complicity.

I think the worst concept for me might be when a secondary relationship ends badly and the partner brings that grief and depression back into the primary relationship. I wouldn't be able to stand it if my spouse put our relationship on the back burner for months because he was pre-occupied with pining over someone else.

I'm glad to know there are people out there with happy, functioning, open relationships. I just don't know many people with the level of security and communication to make it work.

I can see why people would ask "why marriage, if it's open?", but I think it reveals a lot of preconceptions.

Open relationships are not about "you can't be with one person for your entire life." They're about "you don't want to be limited to one partner for your entire life." There's more to marriage than sex. There's love, and emotional support, there's financial support, there's the day-to-day struggle of building and sharing a life together. Those things all remain in an open relationship. When you marry a person, whether you intend to have an open or closed marriage, you are saying that you want that lifelong struggle and bond with them.

Now, none of that precludes the possibility of other sexual partners, or even of other romantic partners. Love is not a finite resource, after all. We all love many people in many ways. It's been said that the more love you give, the more you have to give. It's a self-renewing resource, as long as the building blocks are there and you still receive what you need in return from those you love (when those things fail is when love dies).

Some people have open relationships where it is clear that the additional partners are for sex and sex alone. Some allow love, so long as it does not supplant the primary partner. And some actually engage in something which could be considered closer to polygamy/polyandry, where the relationships between the various partners are more of a shared-spouse scenerio.

Which type of open relationship you have is really up to the participants. Any of them can work, so long as there is trust, honesty, love, and full agreement.