Whoosh. Having come of age in a violently misogynist family--and neighborhood--you and Kate got me right where I live.

Where we all live.

I appreciate when someone can so eloquently put feelings and emotions into words like that. Great post by Kate and thanks for sending me to it Ann!

oh mah goodness! thanks for the link, ann. as much as i knew it to be true, i'm still glad to hear that other women feel the same way.

Thanks for the link, Ann, this was a great post.

Thank you. This is a welcome change from the "omg more news hype about missing pretty white girls!" that would-be media critics like to trot out every time a story about a woman being kidnapped, raped or murdered is widely reported.

This really reminded me of the idea of women living with a rape-schedule that Jessica talks about in her book. This is what Jessica says; "Because of their constant fear of rape (conscious or not), women do things throughout the day to protect themselves." (63). ie. we leave parties early, walk around with our keys between our fingers.
That really hit home with me, b/c I do those exact things. I live in Newark, a city that the media loves to crow about whenever a violent crime occurs. Fear of rape is a reality here, & I'm scared to walk the streets at night, which is messed up considering that chances are that I'll be raped by someone I know.

That's exactly what I was reminded of, Moxie. I've found myself doing the same sort of thing lately - I'm living on my own for the first time ever and I'm afraid to leave my apartment by myself to do pretty much anything at night. Since no one's here with me, I'm afraid that if something did happen to me while I was out, it'd be days before anyone noticed and god knows what would have happened by then.

So now I figure I'll just play it safe and stay locked in after dusk...I hate this so much.

im actually dealing with a lesser version of this right now, on my personal blog i posted about an experience the other night, out on my back porch grilling up veggie burgers with my female roomate and my boyfriend at 2:30 in the morning (i keep weird hours due to my job at a cocktail waitress) and our drunk neighbor returned home from the bar and started yelling at us asking to come over even tho we dont kno him, he obviously didnt see or hear my boyfriend becos when we ignored him to try and avoid further confrontation he kicked our fence really hard and yelled "fine, fuck you then, fucking bitches" and then proceeded to stay out in his yard harassing us while we kept ignoring him until our landlord told him she was calling the police. so i post about this, and i get a response from a girl im semi-friends with being angry at me becos i didnt think about his feelings and maybe he was sad or lonely. becos you kno, as a woman its my obligation to make every damn man i meet happy and to always cater to male needs. becos im the asshole for living while female.

moriath: I have a roommate & that definitely helps. She's away visiting family now. :( I try to keep the radio on while I'm away & the hall/porch lights on (My apartment is the third floor of a house). I do that thing with my keys between my fingers, even though I heard that doesn't really work. Mostly, I don't like to be fumbling with my keys. I try to call my mom every couple of days, it helps keeps her from worrying too much plus she knows that I'm ok.
jesslikewhoa: That is too creepy. Why do some men think that just b/c we're around that we're public property?

jessilikewhoa, It's pretty interesting how YOUR feelings didn't matter in that situation at all, but his did.

She made a really good point in that post about how women are always afraid to ask things. They always start off their questions with "I know this is a stupid question, but..." My theology teacher in my freshman year of high school was a feminist and talked a lot about shit like this. She explained to us how women show a lack of confidence in their speech and we act like we need to feel bad about the things we say.

Isn't it funny how when men harass women they're "sad and lonely" and when women stand up for themselves they're "bitchy and insensitive."

Oh. Wait. That's actually really not funny at all.

cara, its even funnier that other women side with the "sad lonely" men instead of the "bitchy insensitive" women, except not. its devastating that women are taught they have no rights, and that theyre taught that theyll totally get a cookie from the patriarchy if they call the "bad girls" out. it keeps us seperate and weak.

i think the saddest comment ive ever read was a girl responding to one of the newspaper stories on the de anza case. her comment was that she had been raped in the same situation by much older men, but that she would never press charges becos it was her own fault for getting drunk when she should have known better. and that she knos those baseball players and wishes them luck becos its the girl who was raped's fault for getting too drunk at a party with alot of guys.

i read it and i just started crying. i thought about that post secret where the woman dated her rapist just so she wouldnt have to admit to herself the reality of her experience. i thought of the girls i kno who have done the exact same thing in the same situation.

the thing that sucks is that even as a feminist, when another woman calls me out on something like the drunk neighbor situation, i start to question myself and wonder if i was wrong, whereas if some guy who was obviously an MRA had said the same things to me i would have told him to get fucked, but i trust other women more, and then i end up a jumbled mess of confusion.

so yay for the people who told me i was right on here! thanks for confirming my initial belief.

and tofutti (which is the best name ever btw and always makes me hungry)that reminds me of how women have a tendency to upspeak, where instead of periods or exclamation points all of our sentences will end in question marks. like "hi, im jessi? im supposed to be meeting people here for lunch? they should be in non-smoking??" i get so frustrated when i catch myself doing that.

and moxie, men think we're property becos that is what we are? right? blegh.

My big problem is how women always express their believe by adding "I think" at the beginning of sentences. I catch myself doing it sometimes, but I'm trying very hard to eliminate it from my speech.

I remember watching Fashion File's Host Hunt on CBC, and one of the finalists, Mary, was clearly a fantastic researcher. She always had her background info DOWN. But when the judges asked her why she should be the winner, she prefaced everything with "I think."

I even noticed Jessica doing it during her Colbert Report appearance, and I don't mean to criticize Jessica, but I never hear men using it as often as women do.

jessilikewhoa, I have often been sad and lonely, and I have never harassed anyone, so your female friend can shut the hell up. Ask her if it would be ok for her to threaten someone if she was "sad and lonely."

Jessi, that's just about the saddest comment I've ever heard, too.

prairielily, that's a great point about "i think." it's so much more subtle of a qualification, and thus so much easier not to notice - i'll have to start trying to tune my ear to see how often i do it.

it's true, too, about how it seems you don't hear men using the phrase that often. i actually laughed out loud reading your comment - i remembered how the phrase that one of my most self-important male acquaintances in grad school used to preface his opinions was not "i think," but "quite frankly..." ha! talk about 180 degrees, right?

prairielily, she basically implied it wasnt a threat so much as just how drunks are. she used a female relative of hers with a drinking problem as an example and i straight up told her i would have handled the situation completely differently had it been a woman. i havent had negative experiences with drunken female violence in the way i have many times with drunken male violence, and i dont worry that a drunk woman is going to try to rape me. which, if this experience with my friend has taight me anything, will probably get me called a "reverse sexist" and then ill be down another friends (i swear, the worse the backlash the less friends i have)

it sucks too, shes a pretty cool girl, but lately im starting to feel like anyone who isnt a self identified feminist is treating me like a raving nutcase whenever i talk about gender inequalities and male violence and privelege. i wish women didnt internalize patriarchal self loathing so damn much, its heart breasking and frustrating.

and im pretty sure i say "i think" alot. but even when i preface things with an "i think" im still a strident bitch.

you just cant win these days.

and yeah cara, its awful. btw, i like your blog, ive read it a few times now but never comment.

Moxie: Usually I have my boyfriend living with me so it hasn't been a problem, but he's home with his parents this summer while I'm staying in our apartment at school. When I leave the apartment I usually leave the TV on and when I drive down to visit him, I always leave a couple of lights on. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

Also, on the "I know this is a stupid question..." front, there's a community I'm part of on LiveJournal where it is explicitly stated in the rules that we're not allowed to preface our posts with that (or similar) phrases. And while I don't think a post has ever been deleted for breaking that particular rule, there's usually a couple of us members who step up and say "1. It's not a dumb question. 2. STOP SAYING THAT BEFORE EVERYTHING YOU SAY! 3. Here's the answer..." I don't think I've seen another question-oriented community that has that rule, which is unfortunate.

It's an intimidation thing, really. I'll find myself expressing an opinion that's unpopular, then realizing that everyone is looking at me like I'm insane, I'll tack on an ". . . I think." Because it's so fucking shocking to actually see a woman expressing an opinion intelligently, and *gasp* it's a LIBERAL opinion that doesn't involve wanting to coddle everyone and help men get ahead. I mean, I don't do that kind of shit with my husband, because I'm confident in his respect for what I have to say and that even if he's going to disagree with me, he's not going to treat me like some Stupid Little Girl who doesn't know what's she's talking about because she can't really think too hard with that tiny girl brain.

"I have often been sad and lonely, and I have never harassed anyone, so your female friend can shut the hell up. Ask her if it would be ok for her to threaten someone if she was 'sad and lonely.'"

Excellent point, Prairielily.

Thanks Jessi. You should comment! Comments make my day :)

And Moriath, I think that's an EXCELLENT rule.

I've noticed the "I think..." issue with girls, but more what I've noticed is smart, successful girls I went to high school with freaking out over every test and doubting themselves and talking about how nervous they were and how sure they failed. Of course, they always passed, but it was like they HAD to talk about how hard they worked and not really enjoy the success because "I just got lucky this time, I'm sure I'll fail the next one".

I try to speak with confidence all the time, and I know it puts off some women (and men) but I've been pig-stubborn since birth. And it's probably cost me some things, but I feel happier with myself at the end of the day.

Very good post.

From a male point of view, I think the issue of Living While Female may only be really addressed when there are guys willing to talk to other guys about it. Maybe more specifically, when guys are willing to call each other on it.

If, as a guy, you're out in a social situation (bar/party) and a guy starts moaning and groaning about the "bitch" who doesn't want to go out with him, hook up with him, etc., don't just snicker along with the rest of the crew. Yes, it's easy to just go along with 'the guys' but bucking up and saying something is the right thing to do. Show some courage and some guts. There's no such thing as an 'ok' or 'acceptable' level of misogyny.

re. your reaction to the drunk neighbour. I have tried explaining to guys before why it's threatening to shout things at women in the street: ie 99% of them are harmless, but as women we have no way of telling who that 1% is.
Also, on the 'I think' - I don't say 'I think' but do use things like 'I was just wondering...' rather than 'Why?' and other phrases that kind of lessen the impact of what I'm saying. Will try not to in future!

Awesome comment, Ian. I hope you do what you noted.
I had an awesome teacher for ninth grade english class. She made us aware of upspeak and forced us to make strong statements without qualifying them with "I think..." I will always be grateful for whats he taught us.