Now, I can understand dumping someone who is a racist (or sexist for that matter).

But a few years back, I was reading an article in Marie Claire about when men (and women) dumped their significant others. One man said it was when he learned his girfriend's parents were racist, and since he didn't want to deal with that shit (and probably because he felt that the apple never falls far from the tree), he dumped her.

My parents are racist. So that piece really hit a nerve - some people just don't realize that the apple can roll as far as it likes.

As it turns out, my boyfriend's dad is racist as well. My boyfriend, like me, rolled quite some distance. Although I wonder, if my boyfriend's parents were not racists, would I have been dumped, because he doesn't understand that a non-racist could have been spawned from racists?

Alternatively, you could just tell her you're really black.

I think in the case of dating someone who has a lot of racist ideas and beliefs, there's more to the conflict than just disagreeing over whether black people and white people are equally good. There's a fundamental disagreement over whether all people are of equal value. Anyone who can't start out with the supposition that all people are equally valuable has a very different outlook on life and humanity than I do. Racism is just a symptom of it, and probably not the only one.

I do have a problem with this post, though, and maybe it's just how it came out more than what was meant. Anyhow, when Jessica asks who in the world has the time to change a racist or misogynist, I think she of all people does. We who are taking time to discuss feminist progress and how we can facilitate it - we're the ones who make it our jobs to change people and change the world. Not everyone can (or will) be changed, but I don't think it's a very effective strategy to wait for racists, misogynists, etc. to just die out. Jessica is right, though: we don't have to date them. I think saying, "I can't be this intimate with someone who can believe that one race is superior to another," (aka dumping them) is neither coddling nor a kick in the ass, but probably the best way to get your feelings across without completely blocking off possibilities of the person's progress.

A woman I worked with a long time ago gave me some pertinent advice: Don't raise anyone you didn't give birth to.

I agree - there's a lot of time to spend on changing a racist and/or a misogynist, but not in your most intimate relationships. It's too exhausting.

Generally, though, I side on 'a good kick in the ass' - as long as you have the time, energy, and wish to give it.

This whole thread reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where Elaine dumps her boyfriend after she finds out he's anti-abortion. I generally don't have these problems since I refuse to even go a "first date" with someone who isn't leftish or progressive on most issues. One or two disagreements are okay, after all no two people are the same. But racism, sexism or homophobia are absolute no nos.

For me, being racist would be a deal breaker. Just because I could never look at that person the same way again.

I've spent a lot of time extraditing myself my from my moms side of the family, which are all Upper Michigan racists. These are people who have barely ever seen a black or gay person outside of tv, and yet hate them with this frightening intensity. I would never ever want to go back to feeling the way I did in their presence.

That said, if I did dump someone for being racist, I would tell them in no uncertain terms the reason why. Maybe they would learn if they kept getting dumped for it.

Fans of the comic strip Sylvia recognize this as a case for the "Love Cop." Racism goes to a person's core belief system, affecting how they think about a wide range of social issues. Unless the attraction is purely physical, how could one love somebody with such a diametrically opposed world view?

You know, it's odd. I had no experience with racism whatsoever until I was 12, and it still makes no sense to me. The one time I was on a date with a racist, he said something offensive to our server (lovely black man who I was friends with) and I got up and walked out.

It's a foreign concept to me.

you know what's so weird about this whole discussion, though?

it's that we're all fucking racist.

i mean, dang... who isn't? we all live mad segregated (even though there's definitely some crossing over... i mean, my engagement is testament to that...) but, even so, my folks are mad "liberal"... i was raised so... i been a bboy for mad long... but living with, and loving so deeply, someone of a different "race" has opened my eyes up more clearly than ever to the fact that we're all racist... that i am a racist whether i like it or not... no matter what you claim (white, black, asian, indigenous american, south asian, jewish, muslim, semitic, middle-eastern, inuit, whatever)...

and i benefit from racism even in my quiet "it's all good" kinda way... and, dang, oppressed folks are racist, too... wary, hateful, spiteful... with good reason, perhaps, but maybe not...

we gotta be guided by love...
or at least so i say (a white, priveleged male sucka with a racial Ph.D. in obliviousness...)

we all tussle with this shit... we all live in different worlds (or, as james baldwin put it in this amazing book i just finished, "another country")...

i think it's a little premature to write someone off who you could fall in love with because they claim racism. i mean, dang, i think people who are willing to call themselves "racist" are closer to being on the right track than folks who pretend that they're colorblind (particularly white folks who wanna live in some make-believe world)...

so i say, dang... if the love is a spiritual thing, and it's a true thing, well... if someone lives life for real and has an open heart... all that ignorance and hate can't last for long (especially if they read noam chomsky)... if racism ain't true, like it really ain't true, then in a real deep spiritual relationship, it's going to get burned off by the love and the pain...

on the other hand, even the most "liberal" and truly open-hearted, beautiful, wonderful loving people in this world are tainted by this shitstem...

and i totally hear that it's never a lover's job to educate his/her lover... i mean, shoot, we gotta make sure we're right before we go thinking we can change other people, right?... and i know i wouldn't put myself in a situation where i'm loving someone who is so firmly aligned against me...

yeah...

love that scotch...

peace and blessings...