Coming out in the Wake of a Mass Shooting

Since learning of the attack at Pulse nightclub in Orlando, I have walked through the routine of my daily life with a heavy weight in my chest dragging me thousands of miles away back to my homeland and to everything that I have been running away from.

A mass shooting such as this, is hardly surprising coming from the US’ growing divides, escalating racial and religious intolerance, and during a controversial election year where a certain candidate (you know the one) openly spews hate and discord.

This shooting, the most deadly in American history, has affected me more severely than the rest: more than the Virginia Tech shooting in my home state; more than the Colorado theater shooting that took place at the same time I was in a theater watching Batman with my friends; more than the Sandy Hook shooting which left me as an educator wondering when someone might decide to take aim at me and my students; and more than the shootings that occurred while in Paris while I was living there.

This most recent mass shooting had me going back into the closet.

I have always been attracted to both genders, but with a high school sweetheart that I dated through college, I did not have a chance to explore those options. When I finally confessed to my roommate and best friend that I enjoyed watching lesbian porn and had a crush on a girl in my class, she encouraged me to explore those feelings before moving in with my boyfriend at the end of my senior year. Instead, I got engaged and married.

I loved my Ex but we broke up amiably (maybe too many suggestions of a threesome) after a couple of years. I immediately began to make up for lost time and celebrated my newfound singledom by hooking up with an acquaintance and her boyfriend.

Not long after that, I had my first “real” date with a girl. I met her online, as I was unsure of how to find other girls who liked girls. We met at a speakeasy with a jazz band playing in the corner and drank fancy cocktails while connecting over our love of classic literature. On our second date, we grabbed Mexican food and laughed about our experiences with tequila before heading to a movie.

Walking in, she grabbed my hand as we headed to our seats. I noticed a couple of glances and nudges but shrugged it off. As we settled in, she rested her hand on my leg and about 15 minutes into whatever shit-movie it was, we had our first kiss. It was passionate and we forgot where we were as we gave into each other until two men sitting just in front of us turned around to stare at us in disgust. “Look at those fucking lesbians.”

His hateful words shot into me and made me feel admonished, like I had been caught with my hand in the metaphorical cookie jar. It hadn’t occurred to me to be ashamed or embarrassed of my date. I had done this countless times with men in the past, why should falling for a woman be any different? The unfairness and the hatefulness with which they stared at us suddenly made me angry. I had to leave before the urge to kick one of these bigots took over. I suggested to my date that we go back to my place.

That night we made love as an act of protest. We were up all night until we had to admit that we weren’t getting any sleep and got dressed for work.

I was excited about my new relationship and at a dinner with my closest friends told them about my new girlfriend. One of my friends laughed and said, “Wait this is a joke right? Oh please, stop. You’re not a LESBIAN.” The others were quick to assure her that I was going through an understandable phase after a big break-up. I didn’t know what to tell them, because I was not hetero and I wasn’t homo. I was something in between, and I didn’t have all the answers to the stereotypical bombardment of questions. “Which gender do you like better? Which one do you want to end up with? So, you could cheat with anyone? Do you just say this for attention? So you’re always in an open relationship? Oh you’re seeing a guy… so you’re straight now? Can you have a threesome with me and my husband?”

Consequentially, though I haven’t hid my orientation, I do usually refrain from announcing it. Among the LGBT community I often feel like an imposter especially if I am currently seeing a man, and with heterosexuals I’m treated like a girl who hasn’t realized that the bi tendencies are only for Spring Break.

This recent crime against the LGBT community has made me realize that there are still those who want to kills us because of our sexual orientation. Those who want to kill us or shame us with looks of disgust or hateful words and who want to drive us back into hiding and secretive lifestyles.

Well, to the shooter, all those who shame, murder, or hate us, I say, FUCK YOU. We will not be scared or silenced by this act of violence or any that you could perpetrate against us. We will continue to LOVE who we will and  BE who we are, and we will do it openly and proudly.

The victims from that night will be remembered and will be loved, and we will continue to welcome members into our community with open arms.