How is That My Fault?

Trigger warning: Descriptions of sexual assault, victim blaming

The first time I was sexually assaulted, I was too startled and scared to speak up.
How is that my fault?

In two instances of sexual assault that I experienced, I pulled the perpetrator’s hand away. They went right back to it a minute later.
How is that my fault?

One man subtly coerced me daily to “expand my comfort zone,” and made me feel guilty for not being comfortable doing whatever the hell he wanted me to do. Sometimes I would say “yes” out of guilt for saying “no” so often, not because I actually wanted to.How is that my fault?

This same guy apologized after every time he sexually assaulted me, and told me it would never happen again. I believed him.
How is that my fault?

The pervasive stereotype that guys always want to have sex and are relentless had really sunk in. He was simply fulfilling my expectations. It took me a few months to realize that it wasn’t normal.
How is that my fault?

Two people told me that they will respect my boundaries, and I believed them. They didn’t.
How is that my fault?

One more guy said he wanted to take things slow physically. He didn’t.
How is that my fault?

All three knew my boundaries well enough and then did exactly what I told them not to do.
How is that my fault?

Most of the time, I had no way of seeing it coming because I was kissing these people with my eyes closed.
How is that my fault?

Three men decided that my comfort and well-being didn’t matter. Three men decided not to ask for consent, and instead risk scarring me for life. Three men earned my trust and broke it in an instant. Three men sexually assaulted me.
So tell me again, how the hell is this my fault?