What do you think caused your heterosexuality?: questioning questioning

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?: flipping the question, confusing the answer and questioning questioning

I’ve nothing against heterosexuals per se, but I don’t understand why they have to go about rubbing everyone’s noses in their life choices and aggressive counterculture – just last night, I noticed a couple of TV channels were only showing their sort of stuff. Not major channels or anything, only like BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, ITV1, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, Channel 4, E4, More4, Channel 5, 5USA, Fox, Sky Living, Sky Atlantic and Dave. I wasn’t too bothered about Dave, but that’s not the point.

However, I pride myself on being open-minded and very much a ‘people person’, so I decided it was time to switch off the TV and meet some heterosexuals for myself.

But how to approach these people? That really got me stewing. Luckily, I came across Martin Rochlin’s heterosexual questionnaire (1972). Phew!

After all, questioning is always absolutely impartial. And it’s not like we have search engines or there’s already a lot of pretty accessible and thought-provoking stuff online or in print. No, what I needed was to find a single representative willing to talk.

So a friend of mine put me in touch with all-out total straight gal Lucy (what a straight-sounding name! Did her parents know when she was born, or perhaps they’re the reason?) to give me an insider’s view on being a hetero.

She wasn’t very forthcoming, which confused me. I would have thought this was a great chance for her to facilitate my intellectual growth and tolerance and to assimilate herself into our non-compulsory way of life.

Anyway, when I got to the street (we chose to meet in public space because we knew Lucy wouldn’t get much hassle for looking ‘too straight’ or being with any partners), I spotted her immediately, hand in hand with her boyfriend. He was unexpectedly friendly and they exchanged a hug goodbye – at first I thought this was just to provoke me, but they actually seemed surprised to find me watching so closely.

Thankfully, he went and we soon sat down to begin our questionnaire.

It was so awkward! She didn’t take to any of the questions and kept asking why they were so ‘leading’ or why I needed to know. Then she kept trying to discuss how things like her gender, ethnic and class history and identity intersect with her sexuality and experiences of prejudice. Totally irrelevant, of course. And prejudice? They’ve got the right to marry, haven’t they?

Anyway, I can’t legally share more of what she actually said, but I’ve included the questionnaire below in case any of my readers want to explore heterosexuality for themselves.

God knows we need to understand it before we can help.

 

Heterosexual Questionnaire

 

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

 

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

 

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

 

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a fear of others of the same gender?

 

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same gender, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

 

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

 

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

 

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

 

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

 

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scout leaders?

 

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

 

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

 

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

 

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear they might be inclined to influence you in the direction of their own leanings?

 

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped gender roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

 

16. With the gender-segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

 

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of a different gender when there are such vast differences between you? How can you know what pleases them sexually and vice versa?

 

18. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

 

19. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to, for example, so many famous lesbian, bisexual and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

 

20. How can you hope to actualise your queer potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

 

21. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

 

22. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

 

Thank you for reading!

If you’re interested, please look out for a column next week where cisgendered people will be asked questions about their genitalia. It promises to be very exciting!