The Process of Unlearning

One of the hardest things to grasp growing up as woman is unlearning ideals and concepts we have been subconsciously taught. This was even more prominent for me growing up in an immigrant family. Sure, my parents are very Americanized compared to some of my other relatives. Yet there were always harsh gender roles that lingered in how they raised me. This first started to become apparent to me after I got my first boyfriend in high school. I had gotten my license first since my parents bought me a car which allowed me to get a job first out of the two of us. I would get so angry that I had to pick him up for dates or split a restaurant tab every now and then.

It wasn’t until years later I took a step back and realized that my parents never displayed a relationship to me that was a two way street and that was exactly what I was doing. I was not treating him fairly or equally, I was putting our relationship in the same gender roles my parents displayed to me since I was a child. My father was always expected to support us while my mother’s education was never deemed important, and my mother was always expected to take care of the children, the house, and feed everyone. They would constantly get into fights if one of them slacked on these duties and I never want to be like that. I should never have to feel afraid of being successful or considered the bread winner just because I am a woman.

After coming to this realization I saw more than just my parents influences. Since pre-school we are told that if a boy teases you, they like you and if a beast captures you, he loves you. We are shown through Disney, magazines, and TV that we should be skinny and photoshoped to be beautiful. We teach girls that virginity is this life changing experience to lose and they shouldn’t be allowed to think about sex as much as a man or watch porn. It’s expected if he spends a lot on the date, you kinda “owe him.” In college I was told to dress like “I’m not asking for it” and to always watch my drink but never once in my life heard boys directly told to not rape or drug women. There will always be people in life attempting to put me down like my grandfather, proclaiming I was getting too smart and grad school would be a waste of money. It’s crucial to understand that it’s not “just life” it’s discrimination.

Unlike my parents’ marriage, gender role restrictions are a two way street. As a woman, I feel as if I have to prove that I am independent, tough, and resilient. However, men fight to prove the same thing in the fear of being emasculated. Unfortunately, not everyone unlearns these gender restrictions and barriers we are placed in. Hopefully someone who reads this is helped to unlearn them.