Straight women’s lesbian rules

Straight guys love lesbians, right? Or they love the idea of lesbians. Or the thought of lesbian sex. Or they love the thought of ‘pretty’, feminine women fucking other ‘pretty’ feminine women. As long as it’s filmed. Otherwise it’s just a waste! I know stereotypes aren’t fair, but my own tired assumptions of men’s ideas about what women who like women ‘should’ do, just made my discoveries of straight women’s lesbian rules all the more shocking:

What about straight women’s ‘fantasies’ – and disappointments – of women who sleep with women?

Until about a year ago, I’d always slept with men. I’d thought about sleeping with women, but never a particular woman. Until I met Natalie. Natalie was instantly attractive to me. It didn’t even feel confusing; she just was. For me, she blended femininity and masculinity in a paralysing, achingly heady mix. I watched her swagger as her shirt eyelets struggled to meet the buttons across her chest. Her hands in her suit-trouser pockets as her make-up-less, beautifully daunting eyes told me how much she wanted me. We laughed as we talked about her discomfort in casual or too ‘feminine’ clothing. We laughed as we talked about my discomfort in formal or too ‘masculine’ clothing. We kissed like we were the only people who understood what compatibility and attraction was. Being in her company felt like my brain was growing and all the cells in my body were awake and like my senses just couldn’t do enough to see her, touch her, taste her, feel her.

I fell in love with Natalie, but Natalie wasn’t good enough for some of my straight female friends. Why? Because she’s not ‘pretty’.

Never mind the fact that I think she’s beautiful. That she is the most intelligent, funny, inspiring person I’ve ever met. That no one’s ever turned me on that much. That I can feel my underwear dampening within seconds of seeing her, my clit aching for her touch, my vagina begging for her fingers inside me.

Some of my straight friends are homophobic. They don’t know this, and they’d probably ram down your throat how accepting and liberal and progressive they are, but they are homo-empathetic only to a certain strain of lesbianism.

They’re disappointed I’m not fucking a femme. They’re disappointed that my lesbian sex doesn’t live up to the patriarchal fantasy that only feminine women are allowed to enjoy each other, and even then only as part of an erection inducing favour.

Friends have shown me pictures of women that are supposedly ‘more my type’ (femme). I’ve been told that I must be attracted to Natalie just because she gave me attention, as she’s ‘not the kind of woman I would be attracted to’ (how crushing it must be for my straight female friends that I can’t share my lipstick and dresses with Natalie!). I’ve been told Natalie’s fat (she’s a size 12), and that while they understand my attraction to (femme) women, they don’t understand my physical attraction to her.

My attraction to Natalie has been undermined and belittled because she’s not feminine enough.

I’ve never had to deal with this push back when I’ve been attracted to men. Attraction to men doesn’t need to be explained, analysed; you like men so fancy whoever you want. I’ve never been told my male partner isn’t ‘what I should be attracted to’. I’ve never been shown a picture of Tom Hardy or Idris Elba and told I should be going for guys ‘more like them’.

In the war over women’s bodies, over who can fuck who, over what we should look like, how we should dress, how we can act, I just never expected to find my female friends disappointed because the woman I love wears a suit.