I Got Invited to Diwali and Spent the Whole Time Worrying About Being White.

As a white person trying every single day to be a better white person, I am constantly learning and un-learning ways to be a good ally. Cultural appropriation vs. appreciation is a big Deal with a capital ‘D’ and like allyship in general, it is a never-ending process. I’m guilty of it, we’re all guilty of it but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn from my abundant mistakes and let me tell, there have been many. But what happens when my fear of appropriating cultures gets in the way of appreciating them?

This weekend I was invited by my Indian friends to our university’s Diwali festival and as soon as I heard there was going to be free food, I couldn’t say no. It was an amazing time with performances, stories about the festival of lights itself, traditional sweets, a bollywood DJ, and traditional sweets. Did I mention there were sweets? But I spent the whole time being incredibly self-aware of my white presence. I found myself judging every white person who walked by wearing a bindi or traditional Indian outfit but was even more critical of everything that I participated in.

After prayers, everyone had their hands decorated with henna. Every time I look at my hand I’m so amazed by the intricacy and skills of that old women who sat for hours creating beautiful works of art on all shades of skin. But every time I look at my hand I imagine everyone on the street assuming I’m some ignorant white girl who just flew in from Coachella.

Many of the young girls present had brought saris and were teaching us how to wrap them properly, but it still felt like a costume and I had guilty flashbacks to eleven year-old me dressing up as a “belly dancer” for Halloween because in my rural childhood, I had never been taught cultures are not costumes.

At one point several other postgrad students dressed in their saris brought us up to the dance floor and taught us a traditional dance. It was difficult for the uncoordinated like myself, but so much fun. Afterwards, I was afraid to repeat any moves remotely similar to what they taught us for fear of offending someone.

Learning how to be a better ally takes a lifetime and this weekend taught me a lesson in balance. I understand this is what cultural appreciation looks like; I was invited by the community to participate in their customs under their acknowledgment and supervision. So why do I still feel so guilty? My whiteness and fear of appropriation is certainly not a bad thing but it prevented my from enjoying myself. Interactions with other cultures through first hand experiences and appreciation is how we learn about the world, and I’m not about to stop learning. It’ll just take some time to unlearn that I can be white and appreciate without holding onto the weight of all my past appropriative mistakes.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

Cat enthusiast. Foreign film consumerist. Grad school existentialist.

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