Are Bisexuals Always Settling?

Are we as bisexuals always going to be settling?

I was recently talking to my dad while I was in town visiting. Rather, he was grilling me about what the future held for me and my boyfriend. After a few too many questions I asked if he hated my partner or something to that extent, as that was the implication all these questions were giving off. My dad assured me that no, he actually does like my partner a fair amount. The problem was the fact that he was worried that I was settling by being with a man.

For a little bit of background, I came out as bisexual when I was 18. My parents took it amazingly well, I couldn’t ask for more supportive people in my life. While I have been with people who identify as women, my only serious (and current) relationship has been with a man. We have been together for nearly two years and have even recently moved in together. For the two of us, it’s going somewhere.

This question managed to take me by surprise. It brought to surface the realization that while my parents love and support me, the term bisexual has certain connotations for them that weren’t necessarily true. I think this misunderstanding can speak to the larger issue that bisexuality is often erased or simplified, and that these myths exist so that people can project them onto others in order to try and understand them without having to have any uncomfortable conversations.

First off, his belief implies that by identifying as bisexual, I will ultimately make some magical transformation to monosexuality, be it straight or gay, and that my time spent as a bisexual is seen as a test period before reaching my final form. Bisexual people generally grow a pretty strong skin towards these “you’re just confused” comments, otherwise a good portion of our lives with be spent deeply sighing and muttering under our breath.

Second, it feeds into the old cliché that bisexuals are greedy, that we can’t be happy just dating one gender. We (apparently) have to have them all. With this line of thinking, no matter who I settle down with, I will always be left with the nagging thought “but there are so many other people I could be with.”

Finally, my dad mentioned that I might be dating my partner in order to please him, or to “fit in” with society. The sheer number of times I have been told that I am no longer part of the queer community because I am now in what appears to be a heterosexual relationship it outstanding, and to hear to it once again from my own family, honestly, it hurts.

I am bisexual. No matter who I am dating, I’m bisexual, and I’m okay with that. It’s not a phase, I’m not just testing the waters. We are not greedy, I have the capacity to know when I have a good thing, and unless my partner and I come to a mutual agreement that we can see other people or both want to have a polyamorous relationship, I currently do not feel the need to go looking for someone else. In addition, regardless of who I am dating, I am still part of the queer community, because I am still queer. It is not something people can take away from me or decide for me based on assumptions. While I am with a man and we may pass as a heterosexual couple, I am not with him to reap the benefits of appearing straight, or to fit into some expectation that my parents may or may not have. Surprisingly, I love the guy, and that is why I stick around. I count myself as pretty damn lucky I managed to find someone who I see a future with. Nothing about spending time with someone I care about comes across as “settling” to me.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

A recent Canadian university graduate trying to still figure it all out.

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